Marriage can be one of the most fulfilling but also one of the most challenging relationships in life. When things get tough, you may find yourself at a crossroads, wondering if you should stick it out or call it quits. Here is an in-depth look at the pros and cons of divorcing versus staying married to help you make the right decision for you.
The pros of divorcing
Getting a divorce can provide certain benefits that may make it seem like the better option in some situations, such as:
1. Ending constant conflicts
If you and your spouse fight constantly and can’t seem to resolve your differences, divorce may be the only way to end the turmoil. The peace and quiet that can come after divorce may feel like a welcome relief.
2. More independence
After a divorce, you only have yourself to think about when making major life decisions. You can change jobs or move to a new city without having to compromise.
3. Potentially finding a more compatible partner
Once divorced, you are free to date and look for a new partner who is a better fit for who you are now. You have the chance to have a relationship with better compatibility.
4. Improved mental health
If the marriage was emotionally abusive, divorce can lead to improved self-esteem and relief from anxiety or depression. Ending an unhappy marriage may allow you to be happier and healthier.
5. Financial benefits
While going through a divorce is expensive, the financial outcome may be in your favor, such as receiving spousal or child support. You also don’t have to share assets acquired after the split.
The cons of divorcing
Despite the potential upsides, divorce also has many drawbacks to consider, including:
1. Emotional turmoil
The grief and stress of ending a marriage can be devastating. The adjustment period involves complex emotions that may take years to fully resolve.
2. Complications with children
Divorce can be extremely difficult on children, both emotionally and logistically in terms of joint custody. Kids are often caught in the middle and may blame themselves.
3. Social changes
Getting divorced can mean struggling with single parenthood, a change in social circles, and complications with in-laws. Some may feel stigmatized or lonely after the split.
4. Financial struggles
The cost of divorce itself plus setting up two households and losing combined income can lead to lowered living standards and financial distress, especially if child support or alimony payments are inadequate.
5. Doubts about the decision
It’s natural to question yourself and deal with guilt. These thoughts may lead to regrets later on if you aren’t 100% sure divorce was the right choice.
The pros of staying married
In many cases, sticking it out can be beneficial. Here are some potential upsides of remaining married:
1. Provides family stability
By staying married, you keep your family intact and maintain stability. This benefits children and helps them feel more secure.
2. Prevents major lifestyle changes
Remaining married allows you to maintain your current lifestyle. You avoid all the disruptive effects of dividing property, spousal support payments, child support, etc.
3. Incentivizes working on problems
Choosing to stay married provides motivation to actively address problems. The effort put in can strengthen the relationship.
4. Fulfills vows and values
Sticking it out upholds your commitment to the marriage vows. It also aligns with religious or cultural values that discourage divorce.
5. Less complicated legally and financially
Working through issues is simpler and cheaper than going through a divorce. No need to navigate complex legal processes.
The cons of staying married
While staying married can work well in many cases, there are also some potential drawbacks:
1. Prolongs unhappiness
Choosing to stay in an unhappy marriage means continuing to endure the issues and arguments causing discord. This emotional toll can impact your well-being.
2. Prevents exploring other relationships
By staying married, you may have to suppress desires for intimacy and companionship if your needs are no longer met by your spouse.
3. Requires compromise
Making a marriage work involves lots of compromise which can feel like sacrificing your needs. For example, you may have to give up where you want to live.
4. Risks trust being broken again
If the problems stemmed from betrayal, e.g. infidelity, staying means trusting your spouse again. You may get hurt if history repeats itself.
5. May discourage change
Staying together when things aren’t working out well doesn’t always motivate partners to make necessary changes to improve the relationship.
Key factors to consider
There are several important factors to take into account when deciding whether to get a divorce or remain married:
Whether abuse is present –
Get out of abusive relationships as safety is the top priority.
Length of marriage –
Divorcing after being together 40 years feels very different than after only 5 years.
Quality of relationship –
How well you communicate, support each other, argue, etc. impacts if the relationship is worth preserving.
Presence of children –
Kids often want parents to stay married if possible. The impact on them should be carefully weighed.
Chance of resolving issues –
Consider if problems could be repaired with counseling or effort on both sides.
Religious beliefs –
Some faiths discourage divorce so religious views should be factored in.
Financial stability –
The financial viability of separating versus staying together is key.
Family/community expectations –
Societal norms about marriage longevity matter to some more than others.
Desire to date others –
Wanting to see other people indicates declining attraction to your spouse.
Expert tips for deciding
Marriage experts suggest the following when trying to decide whether to divorce or stay together:
Reflect deeply
Take time to reflect without making a knee-jerk choice based on anger or a recent fight. Consider your values, priorities, and future goals.
Assess with your spouse
Have honest conversations about what you both want in the future and whether divorce is on the table. Listen without blaming.
Enlist professional help
See a couples counselor to get an objective opinion. Individual counseling can also provide clarity.
Consider a trial separation
Trying a separation can test if you are really better off apart before fully committing to divorce.
Explore reconciliation
If both partners are open to it, pursue sincere efforts at reconciliation before divorce. Frequently re-evaluate.
Weigh the alternatives
Reflect realistically on your other options if you split up or stay together. What would each choice look like 5 years down the road?
Focus on self-care
Reduce stress through exercise, social support, proper sleep and diet to make the best decision with a clear head.
List pros and cons
Make a list of how you and others would be impacted by divorce or reconciliation. Review it when you have doubts.
Consult a financial advisor
Discuss budgets, assets, costs of splitting up, child support amounts, etc. to understand the financial realities.
Talk to trusted confidants
Friends or family who know you well can provide another perspective on which choice may lead to more happiness.
Conclusion
There are compelling reasons to get divorced, like ending constant conflict and gaining independence. But, there are also many good reasons to stay together, such as keeping the family stable and upholding your vows. Overall, the right choice depends on weighing factors like abuse in the relationship, having children, financial stability, your ages, values, and willingness to reconcile. If the decision is unclear, seek counseling or trial separation before definitively deciding to divorce. With compromise from both partners, many challenging marriages can be repaired, leading to happier spouses and families.