What is narcissistic personality disorder?
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, lack of empathy, and a need for attention and admiration. People with narcissistic personality disorder often have an exaggerated sense of superiority and entitlement, and they tend to exploit personal relationships for personal gain. Going “no contact” with a narcissist refers to cutting off all communication and contact with someone who has narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder.
Some quick facts about narcissistic personality disorder:
- Affects about 6% of the population
- More common in men than women
- Often triggered by childhood experiences like excessive pampering, neglect, or abuse
- Marked by lack of empathy, need for admiration, and grandiose sense of self
- Causes problems in relationships, work, and finances
- Treatment focuses on talk therapy like cognitive behavioral therapy
Why go no contact with a narcissist?
There are several reasons why someone might choose to cut contact with a narcissist, including:
To protect your mental health
Being in a relationship with a narcissist can take a major toll on your self-esteem and overall wellbeing. Narcissists frequently put others down to boost themselves up. They gaslight, belittle, criticize and manipulate. This kind of psychological abuse can lead to anxiety, depression, PTSD and other issues. Going no contact protects your mental health from further damage.
To take back control
Narcissists like to be in control and get their way. By going no contact, you take back control over your life and relationships. Instead of constantly adapting to the narcissist’s needs, you can focus on your own wants and priorities. It’s empowering to set boundaries and stand up for yourself.
To uphold your values
Healthy relationships are built on mutual care, respect and trust. Narcissists are unable to develop authentic connections. Going no contact affirms your values and need for reciprocity in relationships.
To stop the cycle of abuse
Narcissistic abuse tends to follow a cycle of idealization, devaluation, abuse and then fake apologies. The narcissist lures you in, then systematically erodes your self-worth. No contact is often the only way to permanently stop this destructive cycle.
To protect others
By cutting contact, you also protect friends, family members and new potential partners from the narcissist’s manipulation and toxicity. This can prevent the narcissist from causing further harm.
How to go no contact with a narcissist
Going no contact requires planning and commitment. Here are some tips:
Ghost them
One option is to “ghost” the narcissist – stop responding to their attempts to contact you and block their number. This sends a clear message the relationship is over. However, narcissists don’t like losing control. Expect protests, hoovering attempts, threats or other reactions.
Send a final message
If you prefer closure, send a final text or email explaining you wish to cut contact and not to reach out again. Keep it brief, unemotional and unambiguous.
Block them on all channels
This includes their number, email, social media and any other avenues they could use to contact or monitor you. Ask mutual connections not to share information about you.
Remove reminders
Get rid of gifts, photos or other objects that remind you of the narcissist. This can help you move forward.
Seek support
Turn to close friends, family members or mental health professionals. Support networks are crucial when leaving any abusive relationship. Therapy can also help undo damage from narcissistic abuse.
Anticipate difficulties
Expect the narcissist to lash out through smear campaigns, threats, hoovering or other means. Stay strong, stick to no contact and remember why you made this decision.
Stay busy
Fill your schedule with activities and people that bring you joy. Idle time makes it harder to maintain no contact. Pick up a new hobby, make new friends, travel – do things that boost your self-worth.
What to expect when going no contact
Going no contact with a narcissist can be challenging, especially when you’ve been bonded to the person. Here’s what to expect:
Withdrawal symptoms
Like with any breakup, you may grieve the end of the relationship. It takes time to detach. You may pine for the narcissist or experience mood swings, insomnia or other issues. Know these symptoms should pass.
Hoovering attempts
The narcissist doesn’t want to lose their source of validation, so they will try to suck you back in. Stay strong against hoovering attempts like sweet messages, faux apologies or veiled threats.
Smear campaign
The narcissist may retaliate by spreading lies about you or trying to turn others against you. Be prepared to do damage control with a preemptive counter-narrative.
Self-doubt
Narcissistic abuse erodes self-worth. You may doubt whether going no contact was the right move. Stay confident in your decision. The manipulation was real.
Anger and frustration
Anger is a natural reaction to being mistreated. Journaling, therapy and exercise can help process these feelings in a healthy way.
Eventual relief
While the initial aftermath may be tough, most people feel immense relief once no contact is well-established. You’ll regain a sense of freedom, control and peace.
Tips for sticking to no contact
It takes commitment and resilience to maintain no contact with a narcissist long-term. Here are some tips:
Set firm boundaries
Be clear on what forms of contact you will and won’t allow. Stick to your guns – don’t give into persuasion or manipulation.
Remove reminders and mementos
Get rid of anything associated with the narcissist – gifts, photos, old emails, voicemails, etc. This reduces temptation to slip up on no contact.
Keep busy
Fill your schedule with activities and people unrelated to the narcissist. Maintain no contact by focusing your energy elsewhere.
Journal about the relationship
Writing can help objectively see the narcissist’s toxic patterns. Refer to these records if you experience moments of doubt.
Talk to supportive friends
Confide in friends who can validate your experiences with the narcissist. Their perspective can reinforce your decision.
See a therapist
Work with a professional to unpack trauma from the relationship. They can also help you recognize and overcome urges to contact the narcissist.
Practice self-care
Nourish your mind and body – eat well, exercise, meditate, join a support group. Don’t neglect needs that the narcissist dismissed.
Keep a no contact letter
Write a letter explaining why you cut contact and why resuming the relationship would be unhealthy. Re-read it when feeling weak.
Focus on your growth
Spend time developing yourself in the ways you couldn’t with the narcissist – explore new horizons, nurture talents, create something meaningful.
Celebrate small wins
Reinforce yourself each time you get through a hoovering attempt or feel tempted but stay strong. Every day of no contact is an accomplishment.
Should you ever resume contact?
Resuming contact with a narcissist is generally ill-advised. In rare cases, limited contact may make sense if:
- The narcissist was less toxic or manipulating
- The narcissist has shown authentic effort in changing their behaviors through therapy
- Strict boundaries can be maintained
- Interactions are brief and centered around necessity like co-parenting
- You have strong detachment, self-worth and resistance to old patterns
Even in these situations, most experts recommend keeping the narcissist at arm’s length and minimizing contact as much as possible. Resuming full, unrestricted contact rarely ends well.
Conclusion
Cutting off a narcissist is difficult but often necessary to protect your mental health and stop the abuse cycle. While no contact brings challenges, it ultimately provides immense relief and freedom. Set firm boundaries, get support and focus on self-care and personal growth. With time and perseverance, you can regain your sense of self and thrive without the narcissist.