Codependency is characterized by sacrificing one’s own needs to try to meet the needs of others. It often manifests in relationships where one person enables another person’s self-destructive behavior. Codependency can be thought of as an unhealthy dependence on the needs, thoughts, behaviors, or even mental illness of another person. It is associated with placing a lower priority on one’s own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.
What is codependency?
Codependency is not officially classified as a mental disorder, but is considered a relationship dysfunction and unhealthy pattern of relating to others. Codependents often have low self-esteem and derive feelings of self-worth from other people and how needed they feel by them. This leads them to become overly involved in other people’s issues and problems, while neglecting their own needs.
Common signs of codependency include:
- Feeling responsible for other people’s thoughts, feelings, actions, and well-being
- Neglecting one’s own needs to meet the needs of others
- Having difficulty establishing or maintaining healthy boundaries
- Enabling or covering up for another person’s self-destructive habits
- Constantly trying to control or change someone else’s behavior
- Experiencing anxiety about other people’s problems
- Having low self-esteem or deriving self-worth from other people
- Feeling afraid of abandonment or having trouble being alone
- Difficulty asserting one’s needs and setting boundaries
What causes codependency?
There are several factors that are thought to contribute to codependency:
- Childhood experiences – Growing up in a dysfunctional family or experiencing abuse, neglect, or enmeshment as a child can lead to codependent patterns later in life.
- Low self-esteem – Feelings of low self-worth make it more likely for someone to become overly focused on pleasing others and meeting their needs.
- Empathy and caretaking tendencies – Being highly empathetic and drawn towards caretaking others can lead some people to become codependent.
- Cultural factors – Social conditioning that promotes self-sacrifice and gender role expectations can play a role.
- Attachment issues – Insecure attachment styles stemming from childhood are linked to codependency.
Is codependency common?
Codependency is quite common, though exact estimates vary. Research suggests:
- About 1 in 3 adults in the general population has elevated levels of codependency traits.
- Codependency is more common among women than men.
- Up to 90% of alcoholics have been estimated to exhibit codependency tendencies.
- Codependency is also very common among partners of those with depression, anxiety disorders, personality disorders, and other mental illnesses.
So while a sizeable minority of the overall population exhibits some codependent tendencies, they appear to be especially prevalent among those in relationships with individuals suffering from addiction, mental illness, or other dysfunctions.
Why can codependency be problematic?
There are many reasons why codependency can be harmful and considered a red flag:
- Loss of self – Codependents overly focus on others at the expense of their own needs and sense of self.
- Unhealthy boundaries – They have difficulty maintaining healthy boundaries and asserting their own needs.
- Enabling – They enable dysfunctional behavior in others rather than letting natural consequences take their course.
- Excessive responsibility – They take on too much responsibility for others’ choices and lives.
- Anxiety and stress – Their excessive worrying over loved ones leads to chronic anxiety.
- Resentment – They may build up resentment from feeling unappreciated.
- Dysfunctional relationships – It contributes to an imbalance of power and unhealthy dynamics.
- Caregiver fatigue – Constant caretaking is exhausting and unsustainable.
In essence, codependency results in neglect of one’s own needs, constant stress and anxiety, development of resentment, and dysfunctional relationships where both people’s needs are not equally addressed.
When is codependency a red flag to end a relationship?
Mild to moderate levels of codependency do not necessarily warrant ending an otherwise healthy relationship. But here are some signs that codependency may be a red flag signaling an unhealthy relationship:
- You compromise your values, goals, or self-respect to meet the other person’s needs
- Your own physical or mental health is declining as a result of the constant caretaking and lack of boundaries
- The other person shows no signs of taking responsibility and your attempts to help only enable their dysfunction
- You feel trapped, underappreciated, and chronically anxious and stressed
- The relationship feels very one-sided, with your needs unmet or dismissed
If the codependency is causing significant harm to your well-being and the relationship feels dysfunctional, draining, and non-mutual, it may be time to re-evaluate it or seek professional help.
How can you overcome codependency?
If you identify as codependent, here are some tips that may help:
- Seek professional counseling or peer support groups to understand the roots of codependency and learn new coping skills
- Practice self-care – focus on meeting your own needs for health and happiness
- Work on self-esteem and self-worth not based on others’ opinions
- Learn to set and enforce healthy boundaries with others
- Don’t take on too much responsibility for others’ choices and lives
- Speak up for your own needs and assert yourself
- Make time for activities and hobbies unrelated to your role as caregiver
Overcoming deeply ingrained codependency takes time and commitment. Professional counseling can help identify unhealthy patterns and gradually make shifts towards secure attachment, mutual support in relationships, and meeting your own needs. With patience, self-compassion, and by prioritizing your wellbeing, it is possible to overcome codependency.
Conclusion
Codependency involves an excessive preoccupation with the needs and problems of others, often at the expense of one’s own needs and mental health. Mild codependency is common, but more severe codependency can contribute to dysfunctional relationships, chronic stress and anxiety, loss of self, enabling self-destructive behavior, and caregiver fatigue. If codependency is significantly impacting your self-esteem and wellbeing, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship. Seeking professional help to overcome unhealthy thought patterns, assert one’s needs, establish boundaries, and nurture one’s own growth is key. With commitment, codependent tendencies can be unlearned, fostering healthier and more mutual relationships.