What is the no contact rule?
The no contact rule is a strategy used after a breakup to help both people move on and heal. It involves cutting off all communication with an ex for a certain period of time, usually 30 days or more. The goal is to give both people space to process their emotions and start to move forward.
Why do people follow the no contact rule?
There are several reasons why someone may follow the no contact rule after a breakup:
- To help get over and move on from an ex. Not talking or seeing each other helps reduce romantic feelings.
- To gain perspective and clarity. Distance helps people see the relationship more objectively.
- To work on yourself independently. No contact allows people to focus on their own goals and healing.
- To re-establish power and control. Taking space sends a message you’re strong and can let go.
The no contact rule helps provide the space and detachment needed to start healing and stop fixating on an ex. It essentially “resets” the relationship to create distance.
What are the guidelines for no contact?
For the no contact rule to work, here are some key guidelines to follow:
- Cut off all communication, including texts, calls, social media, etc.
- Avoid seeing or hanging out with your ex in person.
- Ask mutual friends not to pass along messages or relay information.
- Remove reminders and hide old photos of your ex if needed.
- Focus on your own hobbies, friends, goals, and interests.
- Don’t try to be manipulative or use no contact as a power play.
The more completely you can cut contact for a while, the more effective it will be. You want to provide the space to heal without your ex consuming your thoughts and emotions.
Is one week of no contact enough?
When it comes to the no contact rule, one week is generally not enough time to reap the full benefits. Here’s why:
It takes time to process the breakup
One week is a very short period right after a breakup. Most people are still in an emotional fog and focused on their ex during this time. They may still be in denial, feel desperate to get them back, or go through rollercoaster emotions. One week doesn’t allow enough time or perspective to fully absorb the impact of the breakup.
Withdrawal symptoms can linger
It’s common to go through withdrawal from an ex as if you were coming off an addiction. Science shows that losing a partner activates similar brain regions as cocaine addiction! Symptoms like obsessive thoughts, sadness, anxiety, and physical cravings for your ex take time to subside. One week is often not long enough to move past these withdrawal symptoms.
Change takes longer than a week
The goal of no contact is to fundamentally change the way you relate to and think about your ex. It takes time to make that mental shift. Whether you want to move on or try reconciling, a week is an insufficient timeframe to integrate these changes. You’ll likely slip back into old thought patterns and behaviors.
Many experts recommend 30 days or more
While no set rule exists, most experts recommend at least a full 30 days of no contact, if not longer. 30 days allows enough time for reflection, physiological withdrawal symptoms to resolve, and a mental reset. Some even suggest 2-3 months for deeper relationships. One week, on the other hand, is a relatively trivially short period of time by comparison.
The benefits of a longer period of no contact
Extending no contact beyond just one week has many advantages:
Allows more time to grieve and accept the breakup
Rushing back into communication skips the grieving people should do after a breakup. More time, even a few weeks, permits people to fully process their emotions. This reduces chances of staying stuck in denial or false hope.
Detaches you more completely
A full month without your ex in your life allows their hold over you to fade. With enough time, you’ll be more detached and able to think about the relationship objectively. This detachment can make moving on easier.
Greater personal growth and development
More time for yourself enables positive growth and change. You can nurture new hobbies, friendships, and goals without your ex factoring into the process. This builds confidence and independence.
Space to address issues that led to breakup
With a longer no contact period, each person can work on underlying issues that may have damaged the relationship, like poor communication or commitment issues. This is valuable whether you eventually reconcile or move on.
Determines if getting back together is right
A longer time period provides space to determine if you genuinely should reconcile or if you want your ex back only out of habit. It allows romantic feelings to fade so you can judge the relationship more objectively.
More control over future contact
When you eventually contact an ex after an extended period, you are in greater control. You will have had more time to heal and can approach interactions calmly. A brief 1-week separation doesn’t offer this perspective.
Prevents emotional pitfalls of premature contact
Rushing back into contact when unhealed often leads to emotional confrontations, false starts, platonic dating, and getting re-hurt. A longer no contact period minimizes these risks.
How to make the most of an extended no contact period
Here are some tips to make the most of a longer no contact break:
- Block your ex everywhere to avoid temptation and relieve anxiety about them reaching out.
- Focus fully on your own goals like career, education, health, finances, and self-development.
- Nurture platonic relationships with friends and family to strengthen your support system.
- Pick up an old passion or try something new like joining a club, taking a class, or traveling.
- Start a journal, write about the relationship and your emotions to help process it all.
- Read relationship books and content that help you gain wisdom and grow.
- If needed, see a counselor for guidance about the breakup, grief, and moving forward.
- Be patient with yourself and understand that healing takes time. Have compassion for your feelings.
The no contact rule works best when you focus fully on your own growth and direction during the absence of your ex. Don’t let them become your sole focus. Invest time and energy into your own fulfillment.
Signs you may be ready to break no contact
While allowing a full month or more of no contact is ideal, there are some signs that indicate you may be ready to reach out again sooner if needed:
- You go full days without thinking about your ex at all.
- You feel genuine happiness, optimism, and motivation about life again.
- Seeing old photos or texts from your ex don’t trigger strong emotions.
- You regain interest in dating others or no longer idealize your ex.
- You can identify issues in the relationship and your own mistakes objectively.
- The thought of your ex dating others doesn’t provoke jealousy.
- You forgive your ex and wish them well, even if you don’t want to reconcile.
When you’ve reached this level of acceptance and healing, you may be ready for limited contact if needed, like exchanging belongings or formal closure.
Dangers of ending no contact too soon
Reinitiating contact with an ex prematurely often backfires or causes setbacks in the healing process. Potential risks include:
- Romantic feelings quickly resurfacing once you reconnect.
- Feeling rejected or hurt again if your ex is cold or unresponsive.
- Confusion about sending “mixed signals” before you both have space to gain clarity.
- False hope about getting back together before underlying issues are solved.
- Obsessive thoughts or emotional outbursts due to unresolved grief about the breakup.
- Loss of power and diminished self-esteem if you break no contact first.
- Plunging back into the same toxic relationship dynamics.
Ending no contact too early often feels like taking “one step forward, two steps back” in the healing process. Wait until you have a calm sense of acceptance before reopening communication.
How and when to break no contact properly
When the time comes to resume contact after a period of no contact, here are some tips:
- Start slow, such as an email or text to check in, not a marathon phone call.
- Keep it casual and light at first, don’t dive right into deep relationship talks.
- Suggest meeting up in a neutral public place if you do meet up.
- Don’t automatically assume you’ll reconcile. See if you still have chemistry after space apart.
- Be mentally prepared for rejection or lack of interest from your ex.
- Have six months passed? At that point, move forward if your ex hasn’t reached out.
- Focus on closure if needed, not getting back together at first.
The healthiest mindset is to use the end of no contact as a low-pressure opportunity to catch up and continue healing while staying open to all outcomes, including just friendship or permanent separation.
Does no contact work if your ex is seeing someone else?
Learning your ex is dating again before no contact ends can complicate the situation:
It can reopen wounds
Discovering your ex has seemingly moved on so quickly can create setbacks in your own healing, bringing back painful feelings. You may question if no contact has made your ex forget about you.
It may impact your feelings about reconciliation
Knowing your ex is romantically involved with someone else may dampen your enthusiasm or willingness about potentially reconciling down the line. Feelings of jealousy can also emerge.
You shouldn’t necessarily end no contact
Even if your ex is dating, you should still maintain no contact for your own healing. While painful, try seeing their new relationship as confirmation the romantic connection is over. Refocus on your own growth without them.
It doesn’t always mean they’ve fully moved on
Sometimes exes jump into rebounds or situations that are more about distraction than a genuine new connection. So try not to read too much into it long-term. Focus on your own path.
You can still reconcile down the line
Even if an ex gets involved with someone new during no contact, that relationship may fizzle out. Feelings can resurface for you months later. But let any reconciliation happen organically rather than forcing it.
Overall, your ex dating again is painful but shouldn’t alone dictate when you break no contact until you have sufficiently healed and detached. Prioritize your own growth and mindset.
How to restart no contact if you mess up
It’s common to slip up and break no contact, especially early on. Here’s how to restart if you mess up:
- Acknowledge it as a temporary setback, don’t be hard on yourself.
- Identify what triggered the contact and make a plan to avoid that trigger in the future.
- Block your ex everywhere immediately to help reinforce no contact.
- Refocus fully on your daily goals and sources of fulfillment outside your ex.
- Journal about what emotions came up and let the experience be one to learn from.
- Consider telling close friends and family you are reinstating no contact to hold yourself accountable.
- Remember that one brief slip up won’t erase all the progress you made during the initial no contact period.
The most important thing is to quickly implement no contact again rather than dwelling on the mistake. Each day is a chance to recommit.
Conclusion
While no definitive rules exist, one week is generally too short of a no contact period to gain the full benefits. Allowing yourself several weeks or a full month without your ex in your life provides greater opportunity for perspective, personal growth, healing, and clarity. It minimizes risks of getting re-hurt or setbacks by resuming contact prematurely. Be patient, focus on self-care, and use the no contact time to strengthen your sense of independence. When the time eventually feels right to reach back out, do so cautiously and with acceptance that all possible outcomes, including just friendship or indefinite separation, may result. Trust that following a thoughtful no contact process will help guide you down a healthy path, whichever direction that may take.