Marriages becoming sexless is an issue that affects many couples. Research shows that 15-20% of married couples are in sexless marriages. This refers to couples having sex 10 or fewer times per year. While the reasons vary, a sexless marriage can take an emotional toll on both partners over time if not addressed. Understanding the scope of the issue and why it happens can help couples facing this challenge.
What is considered a sexless marriage?
There is no definitive timeframe that defines a sexless marriage. However, experts often describe it as when couples have sex 10 or fewer times per year. This equates to having sex less than once per month on average. The term “sexless marriage” is sometimes used interchangeably with terms like celibate marriage or intimacy-starved marriage.
A sexless marriage is typically considered problematic when one or both partners are unhappy with the frequency of sex. Partners may have mismatched libidos, meaning one spouse desires more intimacy than the other. Over time, this mismatch can breed resentment and frustration. However, some couples may be satisfied with having sex rarely. The main consideration is whether infrequency of sex is negatively impacting the relationship.
What percentage of marriages are sexless?
Estimates vary on the exact number of marriages that become sexless. However, research suggests it affects a significant portion of couples:
- An Archives of Sexual Behavior study found approximately 15 percent of married couples have not had sex with their spouse in the past 6-12 months.
- A study in the journal Social Science & Medicine reported that about 20 percent of married couples have sex fewer than 10 times per year.
- The University of Chicago’s General Social Survey found that roughly 12 percent of married couples haven’t had sex in the past year.
Based on this research, it’s estimated that somewhere between 12-20 percent of married couples meet the definition of a sexless marriage. However, some studies have reported higher or lower percentages. The exact figures may vary based on the definition of sexless used and demographics studied.
Does the likelihood increase with age?
The risk of a marriage becoming sexless does appear to increase with age and length of the relationship. Here are some statistics on this:
- For couples under 30, approximately 6 percent are in sexless marriages.
- For couples in their 30s, 10 percent are sexless.
- The rate increases to over 20 percent for couples in their 60s.
Likewise, couples married 10 years or less have a lower chance of being sexless compared to those married 20+ years. However, age and length of marriage do not guarantee a sexless union. Some older and long-term couples maintain an active intimate bond. But on average, the longer couples are married, the higher the risk of developing a sexless dynamic.
Does this differ by gender?
There are some gender differences in how sexless marriages are experienced and viewed:
- Wives report lower sexual desire and satisfaction compared to husbands in sexless marriages.
- Husbands tend to report feeling rejected when sex decreases. Wives more often feel their partners are demanding too much sex.
- When sexual desire discrepancies occur, they are more commonly due to the wife having lower desire.
- However, some studies find husbands and wives are equally likely to be the partner unhappy with the frequency of sex.
Overall the research shows that both husbands and wives dislike the pattern of sexlessness. But they may interpret the causes and solutions differently based on gendered viewpoints.
Does having children increase the risk?
Having children poses some risks for decreasing intimacy between spouses. Parents of young children often report lower sexual frequency, satisfaction and desire compared to non-parents. This can be due to factors like:
- Fatigue from caretaking
- A shift in priorities toward parenting
- Less privacy and alone time
Mothers tend to experience a more drastic decrease in sexuality postpartum compared to fathers. However, this baby-induced decline in intimacy usually stabilizes about a year after birth. As children get older, couples often regain energy and privacy that supports their sex life.
So while having kids can temporarily increase the chances of entering a sexless dynamic, it does not predestine couples to long-term sexlessness. Maintaining intimacy post-children may just require more planning and effort.
Does infidelity cause sexless marriages?
In some cases, infidelity can damage the emotional intimacy between spouses and lead to sexual disconnection. After an affair, the betrayed spouse may have difficulty regaining trust and interest in sex with their partner. The unfaithful spouse may also withhold sex or affection post-affair.
However, infidelity does not always cause a sexless marriage. According to a study in the Journal of Marriage and Family, only 17 percent of marriages became sexless after an affair. Some couples are able to rebuild physical intimacy after one partner has cheated, through counseling and open communication.
It is also common for sexlessness to predate infidelity. A lack of physical intimacy may motivate someone to seek sex outside the marriage. So infidelity can be both a cause and consequence of a sexless couple dynamic.
Is pornography use a factor?
Some research indicates pornography use can potentially contribute to sexlessness between partners in some cases. For example:
- A study in the journal Psychology of Men & Masculinity found female partners perceived their spouse’s porn use as the reason for decline in sexual intimacy.
- Frequent porn use has been linked to lower relationship commitment and sexual satisfaction with partners.
- Porn-induced erectile dysfunction can make arousal and intimacy with a partner difficult.
However, moderate porn use does not create sexual problems for most couples. Heavy use to the exclusion of a partner may signal pre-existing lack of intimacy in a marriage. Like infidelity, compulsive porn use can be both a symptom and potential aggravation of a sexless dynamic between spouses.
Is sexlessness always problematic?
While most experts define sexless marriages as problematic, that is not universally true. Some important considerations:
- Asexual couples who engage in romantic but not sexual bonding may be content without sex.
- Illness or disability can make sex difficult, but couples may adjust through openness and adaptability.
- Cultural or religious beliefs may discourage sex, and partners abide peacefully.
- Temporary sexlessness due to things like pregnancy, stress or depression may resolve without harming the relationship.
Sexlessness only rises to the level of concern when it leaves one or both partners continuously unhappy. Willingness to communicate, compromise, and seek help when needed often determines if couples move past periods of sexlessness.
How does sexlessness impact marriages?
Sexlessness can start subtle but deeply damage marriages over time when left unresolved. Potential consequences include:
- Emotional disconnect: Lack of sex deprives couples of oxytocin and neurotransmitters released during intimacy. This can weaken the bond between partners.
- Resentment: Mismatched libidos and perceived rejection often breed resentment between spouses.
- Loneliness: Sex provides a sense of closeness. Without it, spouses may start to feel emotionally lonely in the relationship.
- Infidelity: One or both partners may be tempted to seek intimacy outside the marriage to fill the void.
- Dissatisfaction: Partners stuck in sexless marriages report lower happiness and life satisfaction.
- Divorce: Research suggests sexless couples have a higher risk of separation and divorce.
That said, some sexless couples find ways to sustain the relationship through affection and openness. But in the majority of cases, the prognosis worsens the longer sexlessness persists without intervention.
What are some solutions for sexless marriages?
Reviving intimacy in a sexless marriage is possible through strategies like:
- Communication: Talk openly about needs and emotions around sexlessness. Set aside judgements to understand each other’s viewpoints.
- Compromise: Partners may need to meet halfway on sexual expectations. This may require sacrificing some needs while seeing efforts from the other person as well.
- Date nights: Make time for romance without pressuring sex. Enjoy activities together that connect you emotionally and physically.
- Therapy: Counseling provides tools for managing pain points, enhancing desire, and improving sexual technique.
- Medical help: Doctors can address issues like hormone imbalances, erectile dysfunction, or pain during sex that create barriers.
- Relationship counseling: Work through underlying marital issues with a professional’s guidance to rebuild trust and passion.
The key is a willingness for both spouses to acknowledge the problem and take proactive steps. This prevents resentment from poisoning the relationship to an unfixable point. With consistent effort, many couples move past the “sexless” status to revive intimacy.
Conclusion
While percentages vary across studies, research suggests a significant minority of marriages, likely 15-20 percent, become sexless. This risk increases with age and relationship length, though no group is immune. Men and women tend to have differing perspectives on sexless marriages. Kids, infidelity, porn use, and health problems can potentially contribute to the problem. But sexlessness is not inherently dysfunctional. The danger lies in leaving it unaddressed when one or both partners are unhappy. With communication and professional help, many sexless couples can rekindle physical intimacy and improve marital satisfaction.