Trust is a fundamental building block of any relationship. When trust is broken, it can feel like the very foundation of the relationship has crumbled. Rebuilding trust is possible, but it takes time, effort and commitment from both people involved. The most important factors in rebuilding trust are taking responsibility for the breach of trust, listening without judgment, following through on promises, and being willing to wait for trust to fully recover.
How long does it usually take to rebuild trust?
There is no set timeline for how long it takes to rebuild trust – it’s different for every relationship and situation. Some studies have suggested it can take from 18 months to 3 years. Generally, the more significant the breach of trust, the longer it takes to recover. Rebuilding trust after a major betrayal like infidelity or financial misdeeds can take years of effort. More minor lapses in honesty may recover trust in several months.
The most important factor is commitment from both people to restore the relationship. If the person who broke trust isn’t willing to change their behaviors long-term, trust likely can’t be rebuilt. And if the person whose trust was broken isn’t open to forgiving, reconciliation will be very difficult. Both parties need to consistently demonstrate trustworthy actions over an extended time to truly mend the relationship.
What factors influence how long it takes?
Several key factors impact the length of time it takes to rebuild trust:
Type of trust breach
– Minor broken promises may take weeks or months to recover from.
– Significant lies or violations of relationship values can take 1-2 years.
– Major betrayals like cheating or financial infidelity have the longest recovery times, often multiple years.
History of the relationship
– Newer relationships don’t have as much trust built up, so breaches may not be as impactful.
– Long-term relationships with significant history make violations of trust more damaging.
Commitment to the relationship
– If one or both individuals isn’t fully committed to reconciliation, rebuilding trust will be very difficult.
– High levels of commitment to the relationship on both sides will enable trust to recover more quickly.
Responsiveness to rebuild efforts
– If the hurt party remains closed off and resentful, trust won’t recover.
– If they are open to rebuilding efforts and respond positively, reconciliation happens faster.
Steps the trust breaker can take
For the person who violated trust, rebuilding it requires consistent effort and genuine change. Here are steps they need to take for trust to recover:
Take full responsibility
– Don’t make excuses or attempt to justify the behavior. Acknowledge wrongdoing fully.
– Apologize genuinely without blaming the hurt party. Express sorrow for harm done.
Identify causes and commit to change
– Look inward to understand why the violation occurred. Seek help if necessary.
– Make concrete plans to modify behaviors long-term so the harm won’t recur.
Offer transparency
– Be open about activities and whereabouts. Share passwords and access if applicable.
– Give the hurt party opportunities to voice questions and get information.
Follow through consistently
– Do what you say you’ll do, every time. Follow through promptly on promises and commitments.
– Consistency over time shows trustworthiness.
Give it time
– Don’t demand trust immediately. Acknowledge recovery takes significant time.
– Make amends patiently and persistently. Don’t give up.
Steps the hurt party can take
For the person whose trust was violated, rebuilding trust requires openness to reconciliation, communication, and a commitment to letting go of resentment over time. Steps they can take include:
Communicate feelings honestly
– Express hurt, anger and sadness. Communicate needs clearly. But avoid blaming.
– Share doubts and fears to allow the trust breaker to understand damage done.
Give the benefit of the doubt
– When given reason, offer trust in small increments before fully trusting again.
– Focus on each kept promise as signs of commitment to rebuild.
Work on forgiveness
– Let go of bitterness and vengefulness. Those feelings only undermine reconciliation.
– Forgiveness doesn’t mean instantly restoring trust. But it enables forward movement.
Commit to rebuilding effort
– If fully wanting to reconcile, participate in trust building activities.
– Therapy, workshops and books on trust recovery can help the process.
Show appreciation
– Express gratitude for trust building efforts, however small. Positive reinforcement helps.
– Verbalize noticeable progress and reaffirm shared commitment.
Actions that demonstrate trustworthiness
Specific behaviors rebuild trust. Consistency with these actions over time is key:
Honesty and transparency
– Admit mistakes quickly and tell the full truth.
– Share thoughts and feelings freely and accurately.
Reliability
– Do what you say you’ll do, when you say you’ll do it. Follow through.
– Come through in difficult moments. Honoring commitments builds trust.
Accountability
– Take responsibility when you make a mistake. Don’t shift blame.
– Hold yourself to the highest standard. Behave ethically.
Openness
– Allow questions and give details. Provide access (to devices, accounts, etc).
– Initiate communication often. Check in frequently.
Reassurance and validation
– Affirm feelings and needs. Validate them as legitimate and important.
– Verbalize understanding of hurt caused. Sympathize.
Signs that trust is re-established
How do you know when trust is fully re-established? Signs include:
– Resumption of intimacy, both emotional and physical
– The hurt party feels the relationship is once again safe and secure
– There is freedom to communicate openly and honestly again
– Previous anxieties, suspicions and resentments fade away
– Forgiveness feels complete, not forced
– Both parties are committed to maintaining trustworthiness
– The broken trust feels like “ancient history” instead of an active pain
Conclusion
Rebuilding trust after a major violation takes anywhere from 18 months to several years. It requires consistent honest communication, reliable behavior, and commitment from both parties. With mutual dedication and effort over time, trust can be restored at a level equal to or even stronger than before the breach occurred. While the process is challenging, most relationships can recover from betrayals given adequate time and intention to heal.