Going through a divorce can be an extremely difficult and traumatic experience for many people. The ending of what was once thought to be a lifelong partnership often brings up intense emotions like sadness, anger, guilt, and anxiety. It’s normal to grieve the loss of the relationship, and this grief process can take time to work through. So how long does the trauma from divorce typically last?
The Initial Shock and Denial Stage
In the beginning of the divorce process, it’s common to experience shock and denial about the reality of the marriage ending. Even if the relationship had significant problems, the finality of divorce can be jarring. This initial stage of processing the loss usually lasts anywhere from a few weeks to a couple months.
Some signs of the shock and denial phase include:
- Feeling numb, empty, or disbelief about the situation
- Minimizing the seriousness of the divorce
- Thinking the divorce is a temporary setback
- Avoiding talking about or dealing with the reality of the divorce
While the denial reaction helps buffer the immediate distress of the life change, it can become problematic if it goes on too long. Processing through the grief in a healthy way is important for moving forward.
Anger, Bargaining, and Depression
As the reality of the divorce starts to sink in, powerful emotions often emerge. Anger, bargaining, sadness, anxiety, loneliness, guilt, and depression are all common during the weeks and months after the separation.
Some signs of this difficult emotional phase include:
- Extreme mood fluctuations
- Constantly thinking about what went wrong
- Feeling resentment and bitterness towards ex-spouse
- Regret and thoughts of wanting to reconcile
- Withdrawing from normal activities
- Difficulty concentrating and lack of motivation
- Changes in appetite and sleep patterns
Working through the turbulent feelings rather than avoiding them or letting them fester is important during this phase. Helpful coping strategies include talking to supportive friends and family, joining a divorce support group, seeing a counselor, and allowing yourself to fully grieve the loss.
Rebuilding and Acceptance
As the grieving process runs its course, most people naturally start to adapt to their new life situation. While sad moments still arise, there is increasing room for positive emotions and a renewed sense of purpose.
Signs of this rebuilding stage include:
- Being able to think about other things besides the divorce
- Enjoying old hobbies again
- Feeling hopeful about the future
- Having more energy and motivation
- Sense of relief and letting go
- Re-establishing a routine
Instead of constant painful rumination about the past, people in this phase begin reengaging with life and making plans. Joining new social groups, taking trips, and trying new activities can all help with the transition. Dating again is also frequently part of this stage for some people. Overall, enjoyment and meaning begin returning to life.
How Long Does It Take to Recover?
There is no set timeline for grieving a divorce. Many factors affect the healing process, including:
- Who initiated the divorce
- Length of the marriage
- Presence of children
- Level of conflict throughout separation
- Personal coping abilities
- Quality of support system
- History of emotional issues like depression
For most people, the deepest feelings of grief tend to improve after about 6 months to a year. However, for many, remnants of sadness, anger, or regret can occasionally resurface years later around milestones like holidays or child-related events.
Here is a breakdown of the general timeline:
| Stage | Time Period |
|---|---|
| Shock and denial | A few weeks to 2 months |
| Acute grief and distress | 2 to 6 months |
| Rebuilding and acceptance | 6 months to 1 year |
| Occasional resurfacing of grief | 1 to 2 years, especially around milestones |
However, there are always exceptions. Some people take less time to recover, while others may take longer if the relationship was abusive or extremely long-term. Seeking professional counseling is recommended if your grief becomes immobilizing.
Tips for Coping with Divorce Trauma
Here are some proactive tips for navigating the emotions of divorce in a healthy way:
- Give yourself time to grieve. Rushing through the pain or trying to suppress it will likely just prolong the process.
- Lean on your support system. Surround yourself with positive people who will listen.
- Consider therapy or support groups. Discussing with others facing similar challenges can help.
- Practice self-care. Focus on sleep, healthy eating, exercise, and relaxing activities.
- Find new hobbies and pursuits. Experiment with fun new activities to distract yourself in positive ways.
- Change up your environment. Try redecorating your living space to symbolize your new start.
- Look for meaning. Identify lessons from the marriage that can promote personal growth.
- Be patient. Recognize that ups and downs are normal and full recovery takes time.
When to Seek Professional Help
Most people recovering from divorce-related trauma can manage with self-care strategies and support from friends and family. However, it’s advisable to consider professional counseling if you experience:
- Severely depressed mood and withdrawal from activities for an extended time
- Inability to carry out normal responsibilities for over a month
- Excessive feelings of worthlessness or shame
- Thoughts of death, suicide, or self-harm
- Panic attacks, constant anxiety, or PTSD symptoms
- Obsessive focus on getting the ex back after an extended period of time
- Domestic abuse during the relationship that requires specialized support
Therapy provides objective guidance and support for addressing dysfunctional thought patterns. For some, medication may also be helpful in managing symptoms of depression or anxiety after divorce.
Using Your Social Support System
Your close friends and family members can be invaluable sources of support during marital dissolution. However, it’s important to use them appropriately and not damage these relationships in the process. Some tips include:
- Don’t constantly make them take sides between you and your ex. Remain as objective as possible.
- Try not to use them just for venting and expressing anger. Ask how they are doing as well.
- Pick just one or two trusted confidants for discussing sensitive divorce issues.
- Respect it if they don’t want to talk about divorce details sometimes.
- Remember that excessive negativity can strain friendships. Focus on solutions too.
- Don’t expect friends and family to be 24/7 therapists. Seek professional help if needed.
Nurturing these supportive bonds instead of turning these relationships into therapy sessions is key. They want to see you get to a healthy place.
Using Healthy Escapism
Taking a temporary break from divorce thoughts is healthy, as long as it doesn’t become constant avoidance. Fun diversions like the following can provide needed relief:
- Engrossing movies, shows, books, video games
- New physical activities like sports, hiking, dance classes
- Creative outlets like music, art, writing
- Meeting positive new friends who aren’t connected to the divorce
- Vacations to new places unassociated with the ex
The key is to use escapism to recharge your batteries for a while, not permanently run away from your problems. Addressing emotions eventually leads to long-term healing.
Being Patient with Yourself
Recovering from divorce-related trauma takes time and energy. There will inevitably be dark days mixed in with positive ones. Try to exercise patience and self-compassion throughout the rollercoaster ride. Some ways to be kind to yourself include:
- Letting yourself cry when you feel like crying
- Understanding you may not be as productive at work for a little while
- Eating healthy comfort foods that make you feel better
- Taking breaks from social media so you don’t compare yourself to seemingly happy couples
- Enjoying nostalgic activities from your past
- Spending quality alone time reconnecting with yourself
- Allowing yourself to feel whatever you feel in the moment
The healthiest recoveries embrace the full range of emotions rather than bottling them up. Victimizing or shaming yourself will only extend the grief process. With compassionate patience, the intensity of the hurt naturally diminishes over time.
When You Have Children
Going through a divorce with kids presents additional challenges. Besides dealing with your own grief, you must also help your children adapt to the major life change. Some tips for managing the divorce as a parent include:
- Reassure them the divorce is not their fault in any way.
- Let them express their feelings instead of bottling them up.
- Try to keep communication with co-parent civil in front of them.
- Maintain a consistent schedule and routines with them when possible.
- Don’t put them in the middle of your conflicts with your ex.
- Get them counseling if you notice school issues or emotional problems.
- Tell them it’s understandable to feel sad or angry sometimes.
Helping your kids process the challenging emotions in a healthy way empowers them to thrive despite the circumstances. Keeping communication open and positive with them makes a big difference.
Conclusion
Recovering from a divorce takes time and commitment to self-care. While the acute feelings of grief and life disruption tend to improve after 6 months to a year, remnants may occasionally resurface for a while after that. It’s important not to rush the healing process. Seeking counseling support, nurturing your social bonds, allowing yourself escapism at times, and being compassionately patient with yourself can all help smooth the transition. With resilience and effort, most people find meaning again after divorce. If you or your children are struggling with the transition, don’t hesitate to seek professional guidance. With the right help, the pain dissipates and brighter days ultimately return.