Saying “I love you” is often considered one of the highlights of a romantic relationship. However, people have varying opinions on when it is appropriate to say it. Some say it too soon and others hold off saying it for a long time, preferring to wait until the moment feels right. So how long should you date someone before uttering those three big words?
The average time for saying “I love you”
According to a survey by Match.com, men take an average of 88 days (about three months) to tell a partner “I love you,” while women take an average of 134 days (about 4 1/2 months). However, there was quite a lot of variation in the time. Here is a breakdown of how long people reported waiting before saying “I love you”:
| Timeframe | Percentage of Participants |
|---|---|
| Less than a month | 12% |
| 1-2 months | 22% |
| 3-6 months | 34% |
| 6-12 months | 17% |
| 1-2 years | 10% |
| 2+ years | 5% |
As you can see, a majority of people (68%) reported saying “I love you” within the first 6 months of dating someone, but 9% said it took over a year. This goes to show there are no hard rules about when to say it.
Does the age or gender matter?
The answer is yes – both age and gender seem to correlate with how long people wait before saying “I love you.” Here are some key differences that emerged from the Match.com survey data:
- Men tend to say “I love you” first, and on average are quicker to profess their love than women.
- Younger generations tend to say “I love you” earlier on in relationships than older generations.
- The average man starts thinking about professing his love around day 87 of a new relationship, whereas women start thinking about it closer to day 97.
- Younger millennials (ages 18-24) say “I love you” after about a month of dating someone, compared to older generations that on average wait nearly 4 months.
So in summary, men and younger generations are more likely to profess their love sooner into a new relationship when compared to women and older generations.
Does the length of time matter?
Is it better to say “I love you” early on or wait until much later? There are good arguments on both sides of this debate. Here are some potential pros and cons to telling someone you love them early on versus later:
Potential pros of saying it early:
- It’s romantic and exciting in new relationships.
- It can deepen intimacy early on.
- If reciprocated, it builds confidence in the relationship.
- Your feelings are genuine in the moment.
Potential cons of saying it early:
- Your partner may not be ready for it.
- They may question if you really mean it.
- It puts pressure on your partner to say it back.
- The relationship may fizzle out after the initial “honeymoon phase.”
Potential pros of waiting a while:
- You are more sure of your feelings.
- Your partner has time to develop feelings.
- It feels more special and meaningful when you wait.
- You have evidence that the relationship is sustainable.
Potential cons of waiting too long:
- Your partner may question your feelings.
- The relationship lacks emotional intimacy.
- You miss out on an exciting part of new love.
- It may start to feel awkward to say it later on.
As you can see, both saying it early and waiting for a substantial time have their advantages and disadvantages. There are also a lot of individual differences between people and relationships that determine when it feels right to profess love.
How do you know if you are ready?
Rather than focusing on a specific timeframe, many experts suggest looking to these signs that indicate you are ready to say “I love you”:
- You feel very emotionally close to your partner.
- You trust them and are comfortable being vulnerable around them.
- Your feelings seem strong enough that you want to express them.
- You would be upset if the relationship were to end suddenly.
- You want to make a deeper commitment to the relationship.
- You can imagine a future together.
However, feeling ready doesn’t guarantee your partner will react positively. Before saying “I love you,” consider your partner’s feelings too. Look for signs like:
- They express how happy you make them.
- Your goals and interests seem compatible long-term.
- They open up emotionally and want more closeness.
- They make an effort to advance the relationship.
- They share words and gestures of affection toward you.
Timing it when you both feel ready and expressing your feelings in a loving, genuine way can make saying “I love you” a beautiful moment you’ll remember forever.
How to know if it’s too soon
Some key signs it may be too soon to drop the L-bomb include:
- You have been dating less than a couple months.
- Either of you are still actively seeing other people.
- You don’t fully trust them or feel vulnerable around them yet.
- The relationship seems unstable or undefined.
- You have not had a discussion about exclusivity.
- They avoid talking about the future or commitment.
Saying “I love you” prematurely may scare them off if they aren’t ready for that level of commitment. Give your partner time to catch up with your feelings if needed. Or have a talk about where you both see the relationship going.
How to encourage your partner if you are ready first
If you feel ready to tell your partner you love them but want to give them more time, you can encourage their feelings in subtle ways like:
- Plan thoughtful dates focused on their interests and happiness.
- Write little love notes for them to find later.
- Compliment their qualities you admire.
- Make gestures and gifts just because.
- Invite them to important events and introduce them to family/friends.
- Discuss future plans including them.
However, don’t keep excessively pressuring your partner after they know how you feel. Patience and understanding will make it more special when you both feel ready to say those three little words.
Dealing with a partner who says it too soon
It can be awkward if your partner says “I love you” too soon when you aren’t ready yet. To handle it sensitively, you can respond with phrases like:
- “You’re so special to me.”
- “I really care about you.”
- “I’m so happy with what we have.”
- “Let’s give it more time and enjoy the journey.”
Reassure them without feeling forced to echo the exact words back immediately. Talk about wanting to be sure of your feelings before expressing deeper commitment. If they care about you, they will give you the space to catch up to their feelings. Continue building intimacy at a comfortable pace for both of you.
What if months or years go by without them saying it?
It’s common for one partner to be ready to profess their love long before the other. If it’s been months or even years, don’t panic – that doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings for you. Some people are extra cautious about expressing deep emotions or shy away from vulnerability. Here are some tips if you’re waiting on your partner:
- Don’t take it personally or get upset with them. Everyone moves at their own pace.
- Try to be patient and understanding. Forcing or guilting them will backfire.
- Keep nurturing intimacy, trust and affection in the relationship.
- Consider subtly expressing you have loving feelings to encourage them.
- Give positive reassurance if they open up about being afraid to say it.
With time, your partner will likely become more comfortable articulating their feelings for you. But pressuring them excessively could make them feel resentful. Show you care in other ways until they are ready.
Is there such a thing as saying “I love you” too late?
There are no universally agreed upon “deadlines” for saying “I love you.” It’s based on each person, relationship and circumstances. However, a few scenarios where it may be considered “too late” include:
- After getting married – it seems odd to marry someone you haven’t confessed love to.
- Years into a committed relationship – your partner likely expects love by this point.
- When trying to repair a struggling relationship – your partner may doubt its sincerity.
- After infidelity – your partner may interpret it as manipulation.
- When ending the relationship – it may seem like mixed signals.
Otherwise, it’s never truly “too late” if you genuinely have fallen in love with your partner. Timing matters less than the sincerity and emotion you express when you finally utter the words “I love you.”
Conclusion
Despite strong cultural expectations, there aren’t necessarily “right” or “wrong” times to say “I love you.” Statistics show anywhere from three months to four years is considered normal by couples. Factors like age, gender, past experiences and where each partner is in the relationship all influence the timing. While some prefer professing their love right away, others are more cautious and take years before expressing those feelings. Ultimately, it’s most important that you and your partner are both genuinely ready when those three little words are spoken.