Narcissistic cycles refer to the patterns of behavior that people with narcissistic personality disorder go through in their relationships. These cycles involve idealization, devaluation, and discarding. Understanding the length of these cycles can help those in relationships with narcissists know what to expect.
What are the phases of a narcissistic cycle?
There are three main phases in a narcissistic cycle:
- Idealization – This is the start of a relationship with a narcissist where they shower you with praise and adoration. They make you feel like the most special person in the world.
- Devaluation – The narcissist begins to criticize and belittle you. You start to feel like you can never do anything right. The narcissist may gaslight you and try to make you feel like you’re the problem.
- Discarding – The narcissist ends the relationship abruptly and cruelly. They may ghost you or humiliate you as part of the breakup.
These phases form a cycle because the narcissist often comes back after discarding and begins idealizing you again to restart the relationship. This creates a rollercoaster effect for the victim.
How long do the phases last?
There is no definitive timeline for how long each phase lasts. Every narcissistic relationship is different. However, here are some general estimates:
Idealization Phase
The idealization phase usually lasts from 1-6 months when first dating a narcissist. It may be shorter or longer depending on the intensity of the relationship.
In established relationships, narcissists may have shorter idealization periods following devaluation phases. These can last just days or weeks before switching back to devaluation.
Devaluation Phase
The devaluation phase tends to last much longer than idealization. It may take 6 months to a few years before the narcissist discards someone after the initial idealization phase.
In ongoing relationships, the devaluation periods might last weeks or months at a time with brief idealizations in between before building up to a final discard.
Discarding
Once a narcissist discards someone, it is usually permanent. They may try to come back, but it is unlikely the relationship will be fully revived.
Some narcissists will have a final brutal discard followed by months or years of no contact. Others may do a slow fade out or ghost their partner gradually. But the end result is still complete discarding.
What factors influence the cycle length?
Many different factors can influence how quickly a narcissist cycles through the phases with someone:
- The narcissist’s emotional attachment – If they are truly invested, cycles may be longer.
- Availability of new Supply – Having new targets shortens cycles.
- Level of narcissistic traits – More malignant narcissists cycle faster.
- Type of relationship – Romantic relationships often have longer cycles than friendships.
- The victim’s responses – Fighting back may prolong devaluation.
- Substance abuse – Addictions can accelerate cycling.
- Mental illness – More severe NPD symptoms speed up cycles.
The more attached a narcissist feels and the less access they have to new targets, the longer they are likely to idealize someone for. Similar factors affect how quickly they move into devaluation.
Narcissist’s Emotional Attachment
Narcissists are incapable of true love, but they can feel emotional attachment at times. This attachment acts like ” Supply” to them. The more attached they feel to someone, the longer the idealization phase tends to last.
If the narcissist becomes bored or stops idealizing someone, the devaluation phase may also be shorter if they are no longer emotionally invested.
Availability of New Supply
Much of a narcissist’s behavior depends on access to Supply – attention, praise, and validation from others. If a narcissist has new Sources of Supply readily available, they will move through cycles with their current partner more quickly.
Lack of external Supply can prolong idealization and devaluation, since the narcissist relies solely on their victim for maintaining their self-esteem.
Level of Narcissistic Traits
The more malignant a narcissist is, the faster they tend to cycle. More severe NPD symptoms like lack of empathy, pathological lying, and exploitation mean they can idealize and devalue someone extremely fast.
Lower on the spectrum narcissists may have longer idealization phases and slower transitions into devaluation before discarding.
Type of Relationship
Narcissists usually cycle through phases faster with casual relationships like friends or co-workers. They have less invested so can drop these people as Sources of Supply easily.
In romantic relationships, narcissists tend to idealize their partner for longer at the start. They also often endure longer devaluation phases before finally discarding a significant other.
The Victim’s Responses
How the narcissist’s victim responds to the abuse can impact the cycling too. If they cry, fight back, or offer excessive reassurance during devaluation, it can prolong that phase and postpone final discarding.
On the other hand, grey rocking may cause the narcissist to get bored faster and end the relationship sooner.
Substance Abuse
Narcissists who struggle with addictions like alcoholism or drug abuse often cycle through phases more rapidly. Their judgment is impaired, causing them to idealize and devalue erratically.
Getting clean may lengthen the idealization phases and make cycling less extreme.
Mental Illness
More severe mental health symptoms can accelerate narcissistic cycling. Narcissists who also have bipolar disorder cycle rapidly between idealization and devaluation during their manic and depressive episodes.
Other co-morbid disorders like Borderline or Antisocial PD may also intensify cycling between extremes.
Are there ways to extend or reduce cycle lengths?
While there is no proven way to dramatically extend or reduce narcissistic cycles, some tactics may help:
Ways to Extend Cycles
- Give them excessive praise and validation
- Isolate yourself from other friends and family
- Agree with everything they say
- Accept their unrealistic expectations
- Offer reassurance when they need it
These methods may prolong idealization but lead to much worse devaluation in the long run.
Ways to Shorten Cycles
- Create distance from the narcissist
- Set firm boundaries
- Don’t react emotionally to their provocations
- Cut off their access to you as Supply
- Expose their lies and manipulations
These techniques may shorten devaluation and encourage earlier discarding, allowing you to escape the abuse.
How long do narcissistic relationships last on average?
It’s difficult to pinpoint an exact average duration for relationships with narcissists given all the variables. However, some general timeframes are:
- Friendships: 6 months – 1 year (from idealization to final discard)
- Dating: 1 – 2 years
- Co-parenting: 3 – 15 years (until children grown)
- Marriage: 5 – 20 years
Narcissists have shorter relationship lifespans with those they are less invested in like friends or dating partners. Long-term commitments like marriage or having children together can extend the time frame.
Are there any ways to permanently stop narcissistic cycles?
The only way to permanently stop the cycles of idealization, devaluation, and discarding is to end the relationship completely and prevent any further contact or hoovering attempts.
Low contact or medium chill contact may reduce the intensity of cycling but not eliminate it. The narcissist is likely to keep repeating their patterns unless there is complete no contact.
When should you expect the final discard?
There are some key signs that the final discard is coming:
- The devaluation lasts longer with no idealization periods
- They have secured new Sources of Supply and admiration
- They are completely indifferent to you and your feelings
- You stop providing the narcissistic supply they want
- Your mental health is deteriorating
- You create strong boundaries against their abuse
The final discard often feels sudden, but these signs suggest it is imminent. Mentally preparing for it can help you detach and move on.
Conclusion
Narcissistic cycles can seem endless when you are stuck in them. But understanding what impacts the cycle length can provide clarity. Getting support, setting boundaries, and planning your exit strategy can help you take back control. With time, patience, and self-care, you can break free from the narcissist’s painful patterns for good.