What is narcissism?
Narcissism is a personality disorder characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a need for excessive admiration. People with narcissistic personality disorder have an extreme desire to be recognized for their superiority and are hypersensitive to any criticisms or challenges to their self-image. Their relationships are often troubled due to their tendency to exploit and manipulate others for personal gain. When criticized or confronted, narcissists usually respond with rage, denial, or by attempting to degrade their critic.
Why are narcissists so sensitive to criticism?
Narcissists have an extreme need to protect their grandiose false self. Their inflated self-image is a façade designed to shield their fragile low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy. Even mild criticism threatens their precarious ego defenses because it brings their faults and imperfections to light. Narcissists cannot tolerate any evidence that contradicts their idealized self-image. They can only maintain their superior view of themselves by devaluing those who criticize them.
How do narcissists initially react to criticism?
When first criticized, narcissists often respond with surprise and disbelief. They are so convinced of their own perfection and brilliance that they are genuinely shocked when others point out their flaws or mistakes. Their initial reaction may be utter denial that the criticism has any validity whatsoever. They will dismiss any negative feedback as completely unfair, irrational, or plainly wrong.
Narcissists may also react to criticism with contempt, rage, or efforts to shame their critic. They turn the criticism back on the other person, attack their credibility, assign blame, and make excuses to absolve themselves of any wrongdoing. By invalidating and demeaning the critic, the narcissist reasserts their supposed superiority and perfection.
Denial
One of the most common initial reactions narcissists demonstrate is outright denial. They deny any truth behind the criticism and reject it as false, mistaken, or misguided. Narcissists are unable to accept any criticism of their behavior because it conflicts with their flawless self-image.
Examples of denial include:
- “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
- “You’ve got it all wrong. That’s not how it happened.”
- “I didn’t do anything wrong. You’re imagining things.”
By flat out denying the criticism has merit, the narcissist protects their grandiose facade and avoids taking responsibility for change.
Blame-shifting
Another way narcissists react is by shifting blame away from themselves. They turn the tables back on the critic, hold them responsible, and portray themselves as innocent victims. Examples of blame-shifting include:
- “This wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t provoked me.”
- “It’s not my fault – you set me up.”
- “I made one mistake but you’re the one who sabotaged everything.”
By making themselves out to be wrongly accused, narcissists avoid accountability and invalidate the criticism.
Fury
Criticism often ignites narcissistic rage. They may fly into an angry tirade, scream, yell, or hurl vicious personal attacks. Their excessive reaction is designed to intimidate the critic into silence and submission. Examples of their fury include:
- “How dare you criticize me! Who do you think you are?”
- “I’ve had enough of your belittling attacks. You’re going to regret this!”
- “You are way out of line. No one talks to me that way!”
By reacting with disproportionate rage, the narcissist discounts the criticism and reestablishes dominance.
How do narcissists retaliate against critics?
Once narcissists recover from their initial surprise at being criticized, they launch into action to defend themselves and take revenge. Common tactics narcissists use against critics include:
Smear campaigns
Narcissists frequently engage in smear campaigns to destroy their critic’s reputation. They spread malicious gossip, exaggerated claims, or outright lies to discredit them. Their goal is to inflict maximum damage on the critic’s character and turn others against them.
Gaslighting
Narcissists often gaslight critics by denying events, facts, or conversations related to the criticism. They try to make critics doubt their own memory, perception, or judgment, claiming “that never happened” or “you’re exaggerating” or “you’re too sensitive.” Their gaslighting is an insidious attempt to evade accountability while making the critic appear unstable.
Retaliation
In severe cases, narcissists retaliate against criticism with threats, harassment, bullying, or other abusive behavior. They may sabotage the critic’s reputation, relationships or career. Their vindictiveness is aimed at coercing the critic into compliance and demonstrates the extreme lengths they will go to silence and punish anyone who dares to confront their false image.
Discarding
Narcissists frequently discard or withdraw from critics, including friends, partners and family members, often without warning or explanation. By abandoning the relationship, the narcissist punishes the critic while protecting their fragile ego from further truth-telling.
Why don’t narcissists learn from criticism?
Healthy people are able to reflect on criticism, find truth in it, and make positive changes. But most narcissists are unable to do this for several reasons:
Distorted thinking
Their cognitive distortions do not allow them to process criticism accurately. They dismiss any negative feedback as intolerable attacks on their flawless self-image. Their black-and-white thinking causes them to invalidate all aspects of the criticism.
Lack of accountability
Narcissists avoid taking responsibility for their actions at all costs. Criticism requires them to own their mistakes and flaws, which threatens their entire identity. They refuse accountability to protect their grandiose facade.
Fragile self-esteem
They suffer from deep-rooted insecurities and low self-esteem. Any criticism, no matter how minor or well-intentioned, poses an existential threat to their inflated but fragile ego. Their extreme defensiveness serves to guard against inevitable humiliation.
Inability to change
Being perfect is central to the narcissist’s identity. They cannot acknowledge flaws or try to improve themselves without sabotaging their superior self-image. They would rather attack critics than admit imperfection and make meaningful changes.
What is the best way to communicate with a narcissist?
When communicating with narcissists, keep these tips in mind:
- Avoid direct criticism. Narcissists do not take constructive feedback well. Focus on solutions rather than problems.
- Emphasize their positive traits. Stroke their ego with compliments before bringing up difficult issues.
- Use “I” statements. Say “I feel upset when…” instead of “You make me feel…” to avoid provoking defensiveness.
- Validate their perspective. Show you understand their viewpoint even when you disagree.
- Set boundaries. Make it clear you will not tolerate abusive treatment, threats, or intimidation.
- Stay calm and rational. Don’t match their anger or get dragged into irrational arguments.
However, even the most diplomatic communication often fails with narcissists. Protect yourself by limiting interactions and not expecting true change.
Conclusion
Narcissists perceive any criticism, whether justified or not, as a severe threat to their inflated but fragile self-image. Their extreme defensiveness, denial of responsibility, and vindictive actions toward critics are psychologically protective mechanisms which allow narcissists to discount truth and avoid accountability at all costs. Although difficult, establishing firm boundaries and prioritizing self-care are essential when dealing with narcissists’ predictable responses to criticism.