Narcissists tend to be charming and alluring at the start of a romantic relationship. They shower their partners with praise and attention, make grand gestures, and say all the right things. However, as the relationship progresses, the narcissist’s true colors begin to show.
Love Bombing
Narcissists often use an extreme tactic called “love bombing” to hook partners early on. This involves overwhelming someone with flattery, gifts, words of appreciation, and promises for the future. The goal is to quickly secure a partner’s affection and dependence. However, once the narcissist feels they have gained control, the love bombing often stops abruptly.
Hot and Cold Behavior
Narcissists tend to engage in a push-pull pattern, alternating between being very loving and exceptionally cruel or indifferent. One day they idealize their partner, and the next they may devalue, criticize, ignore, or otherwise mistreat them. This dynamic keeps partners off-balance and insecure in the relationship.
Lack of Empathy
A core trait of narcissism is a lack of empathy and inability to truly connect with others’ feelings. Narcissists may pay lip service to caring about their partners’ needs, but their actions demonstrate a focus on their own interests. Partners often feel alone, unseen, and invalidated.
Manipulation and Control
Narcissists frequently try to exert control in relationships. This can involve gaslighting, triangulation, emotional blackmail, isolation from friends and family, monitoring a partner’s activities, and other manipulative behaviors. The goal is to dominate the relationship and gain superiority.
Exploitation
Narcissists tend to objectify and exploit their romantic partners. They see partners as sources of validation, status, and other rewards to benefit themselves. Partners may be used for money, prestige, sex, household help, and other self-serving purposes.
Blaming and Shaming
Narcissists rarely take responsibility for wrongdoings. They are quick to blame partners for relationship problems, faults, and anything that makes the narcissist look bad. They may use shaming, guilt-tripping, and other tactics to put their partners on the defensive.
Addiction to Drama
Narcissists often stir up drama in relationships. They seem to feed off of chaos, jealousy, fighting, and high-running emotions. They may pick unnecessary fights, be drawn to love triangles, or constantly create conflict out of nothing.
Lying and Secretiveness
Narcissists tend to have a loose relationship with the truth. They embellish stories, omit unflattering details, or fabricate information for their own gain. They also tend to be secretive about their activities, plans, and contacts outside of the relationship. This further strains a partner’s trust.
Infidelity
Given their sense of entitlement and need for validation, narcissists are more likely to be unfaithful in romantic relationships. Infidelity allows them to gain attention and satisfaction outside of the primary relationship while avoiding true intimacy. This can be deeply damaging for the partner.
Intense Jealousy and Control
Even as narcissists may cheat on and manipulate their partners, they often become intensely jealous and controlling in efforts to “keep” their partner. They may try to restrict a partner’s social life, friendships, hobbies, or career pursuits. This serves to further isolate the partner.
The Silent Treatment
When upset, narcissists frequently give their partners the cold shoulder and ignore them for days or weeks on end. This is meant to punish the partner and communicate the narcissist’s superiority. The partner is left confused, distressed, and seeking to make amends.
Projection
Narcissists tend to project their own flaws and misdeeds onto their partners. For example, a narcissist who is unfaithful may accuse their partner of cheating. This allows them to deflect blame and feel better about their own transgressions.
Rage
When feeling criticized, deflated, or inadequate, narcissists often fly into a rage. Their reactions can range from seething silence to screaming fits to physical violence. The partner typically bears the brunt of the narcissist’s wounded ego.
Playing the Victim
Narcissists frequently portray themselves as victims in the relationship to garner sympathy. They blame partners for making them look bad or claim their partners don’t support them enough. This again puts responsibility on the partner.
Stonewalling
When confronted with their harmful behaviors, narcissists are prone to shut down emotionally and refuse to discuss issues further. Partners are left confused, frustrated, and with no resolution. Narcissists refuse to be held accountable.
Self-Pity Parties
Narcissists love to hold melodramatic pity parties where they lament how hard their life is, how unappreciated they are, how they were wronged, and so on. This again centers the attention on them and their exaggerated grievances.
No Accountability
Ultimately, narcissists are unable to have mature discussions about relationship problems. They cannot take criticism nor admit wrongdoing. Partners end up acquiescing and enabling the narcissist’s behaviors just to keep the peace. This builds tremendous resentment.
Conclusion
In summary, narcissists engage in an array of toxic and manipulative behaviors that erode a romantic partner’s self-esteem, dignity, and autonomy. Their actions force the partner into a subservient role that caters to the narcissist’s endless needs. Partners suffer tremendous emotional trauma yet struggle to hold narcissists accountable. Extracting oneself from the relationship and seeking support in recovery become critical.