Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by a pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. Narcissists often have difficulties sustaining healthy relationships, and marriages involving a narcissistic partner can be especially challenging. When one spouse has narcissistic traits, they may exhibit certain behaviors that can strain the marital relationship and undermine intimacy. Understanding common narcissistic behaviors within marriage can help identify issues and potentially improve the situation through therapy or counseling.
What are some key traits of narcissism?
Some key traits and behaviors seen in narcissists include:
- An exaggerated sense of self-importance and entitlement
- An excessive need for praise, attention, and admiration
- Taking advantage of others to achieve their own goals
- Exaggerating achievements or talents
- Being preoccupied with delusions of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love
- Believing they are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people
- A lack of empathy towards others and their needs and feelings
- Feelings of jealousy and the belief that others are jealous of them
- Arrogant or haughty attitudes and behaviors
These traits can manifest themselves in different ways but become evident through narcissists’ patterns of relating to others and perceptions of themselves. A key factor is that they struggle to empathize with others’ perspectives. Their focus remains on themselves, along with a sense of entitlement that can disregard and undermine intimate relationships.
How do narcissists typically behave in romantic relationships?
Narcissists have difficulty maintaining healthy, long-term relationships. Though initial infatuation and passion may seem strong, narcissists struggle to connect emotionally. Their selfishness, need for admiration, and lack of empathy become more evident once the early excitement fades. Their attitudes and treatment of others can be inappropriate, hurtful, or even abusive when their needs aren’t being met.
Common narcissistic behaviors in relationships include:
- Beginning the relationship strongly, bombarding their partner with affection, flattery, and gifts (love bombing)
- Expecting constant praise and admiration from their partner
- Exaggerating their own accomplishments and belittling their partner’s success or achievements
- Taking advantage of their partner’s time, resources, compassion, or status
- Flirting with others, seeking attention outside the relationship
- Disregarding the partner’s feelings, needs, and boundaries
- Controlling or demanding behavior regarding finances, social interactions, etc.
- Blaming their partner when something goes wrong
- Using guilt, dishonesty, or manipulation to get their way
- Threatening to leave as a way to control the partner
- Punishing the partner through emotional abuse, withdrawal of affection, rage, or destructive behavior
These patterns of self-focused, inconsiderate conduct can deeply hurt the partner as well as undermine intimacy and trust within the relationship. The narcissist puts their own desires first, while devaluing and exploiting their partner.
How does narcissism affect marriage?
Marriages involving a narcissistic spouse face distinct challenges and difficulties:
- The narcissist feels entitled to special treatment, compliance, admiration, and service according to their wishes and timelines. This creates an imbalanced dynamic where the narcissist makes unreasonable demands.
- Lack of empathy from the narcissist leaves the partner feeling lonely, unsupported, and uncared for. Their emotional needs go unrecognized.
- The narcissist’s criticism and demands erode the partner’s self-esteem. Their sense of self becomes diminished by mistreatment.
- The narcissist is prone to dishonesty and deception. It becomes difficult to trust them.
- The partner feels like they are walking on eggshells, afraid to upset the narcissist. The narcissist may rage or give silent treatment in response to perceived slights.
- The narcissist resists accepting responsibility for wrongdoing. They blame the partner, deny facts, or twist narratives to cast themselves as the victim.
- The narcissist exhibits jealousy regarding the partner’s time, attention, and external relationships. Isolation from normal social connections may increase.
- The narcissist engages in manipulative behaviors. The partner may doubt their own perceptions or feelings under the narcissist’s gaslighting influence.
- The narcissist lacks motivation to address issues. They see nothing wrong with their conduct and refuse therapy or marriage counseling.
These dynamics lead to constant tension, arguments, anger, confusion, and unhappiness. The partner suffers from the narcissist’s behaviors and inability to have an equal, caring relationship.
What are some common behaviors narcissists demonstrate within marriage?
Some common narcissistic behaviors exhibited within marriage include:
1. Dominance and control
Narcissists expect submission and deference from their spouse. They make unilateral decisions about finances, social plans, housing, etc. Their sense of entitlement means they believe their authority should not be questioned. Partners experience demands, not requests, from the narcissist.
2. Superiority and condescension
The narcissist believes their abilities and attributes are above average. They speak and act in arrogant ways that convey contempt and disdain for others. Their attitude toward their spouse is often patronizing or haughty. They believe their spouse is lucky to be with someone of the narcissist’s caliber.
3. Craving admiration
Narcissists have an insatiable craving for affirmation of their superiority from their spouse. A wife may constantly have to reassure her narcissistic husband that he is intelligent, attractive, and successful. But even ample praise is never enough for the narcissist spouse’s fragile ego.
4. Lack of accountability
Narcissists refuse to accept blame or responsibility for wrongdoings. They deflect fault, make excuses, justify their conduct, or twist the narrative to avoid accountability. Admitting imperfection or apologizing is very difficult for them. They blame their spouse rather than looking inward.
5. Exploitation and manipulation
The narcissistic spouse uses their partner as a means to fulfill their own desires, needs, and ambitions. For example, a narcissist husband may pressure his wife to take out loans to finance his business venture. The narcissist spouse manipulates through guilt, deception, aggression, mind games, or other tactics to coerce their partner.
6. Compulsive lying and secrets
Narcissists demonstrate a lack of honesty and transparency. They cover up information, tell half-truths, spin tales, or outright lie to their spouse. This may concern finances, activities, whereabouts, or new romantic prospects. Their compulsive deception erodes marital trust.
7. Volatile temper
Narcissists have difficulty regulating their emotions. Seemingly minor criticisms can provoke their rage. Their outbursts include yelling, threats, throwing things, or breaking objects. The spouse must walk on eggshells to avoid provoking them, creating a climate of fear.
8. Hypersensitivity and defensiveness
Narcissists have little ability to handle any critiques or feedback. They interpret contrary opinions from their spouse as personal attacks. Their reflex is to lash out in anger or sink into wounded self-pity because their fragile ego is unable to integrate flaws or mistakes.
9. Emotional neglect and abandonment
Despite requiring excessive admiration, narcissists are unable to genuinely care about their spouse’s needs and feelings. They lack basic empathy and interest in their partner’s inner life. Emotional neglect, disregard, criticism, and contempt often leave the spouse feeling lonely, worthless, and invisible.
10. Infidelity and jealousy
Narcissists often lack fidelity and engage in flirtations, affairs, and secret liaisons outside the marriage. However, they also become irrationally jealous regarding their spouse’s time, attention, and external friendships. Their duplicity, projection, and possessiveness further damage the marital bond.
How does the narcissist’s spouse typically react and feel?
The spouse of a narcissist in a marriage often experiences profound emotional turmoil and suffering from the relationship dynamics. Typical feelings and reactions include:
- Feeling lonely within the marriage despite the narcissist’s presence
- Doubting themselves and struggling with low self-esteem
- Depression, anxiety, fear, and walking on eggshells
- Anger at the narcissist’s behaviors but also blaming themselves
- Confusion from the narcissist’s version of events vs. their own experience
- Isolation from friends and family due to the narcissist’s demands
- Exhaustion from the narcissist’s needs and from trying to keep the peace
- Trauma symptoms from the emotional abuse and manipulation
- Feeling unloved, ignored, and used by the narcissist
- Financial and career setbacks from placating the narcissist
- Believing the narcissist will change or things will improve
- Self-doubt and denial about the true severity of the situation
The spouse struggles to reconcile their love for the partner they once knew with the torment of their current narcissistic behaviors. The narcissist conditions them to blame themselves and try harder to please the narcissist. This rarely brings the empathy, consideration, and intimacy they crave.
What are some coping strategies and healthy boundaries for the narcissist’s spouse?
Here are some tips to protect your sense of self and establish healthy boundaries when married to a narcissistic partner:
- Give up trying to convince the narcissist to change. Focus on your own healing.
- Refrain from over-functioning for the narcissist. Avoid doing tasks for them they can do themselves.
- Commit to making decisions in your best interest, not merely placating the narcissist.
- Reject the narcissist’s version of events and honor your own perceptions and emotions.
- Limit contact with the narcissist; interact only as necessary. Keep communication brief and emotionally neutral.
- Build connections with empathetic friends and family. Don’t isolate yourself.
- Get support through counseling, therapy groups, or online communities for spouses of narcissists.
- Boost your self-esteem through positive affirmations, pursuing goals, self-care activities, exercise, etc.
- Educate yourself about narcissistic abuse tactics through books, articles, and videos.
- Consult legal and financial experts to protect assets and potential custody concerns if considering separation.
- Make a safety plan if you ever feel physically threatened by the narcissist’s rage.
While you cannot control the narcissist’s behaviors, you can empower yourself with knowledge, resources, and emotional support. This enables you to disengage, establish healthier boundaries, and potentially exit the relationship.
Is there hope for change in a marriage with a narcissist spouse?
It is very difficult for a narcissist to recognize their behaviors as problematic. Their distorted self-image means they firmly believe in their superiority and entitlement. Suggesting counseling often offends narcissists or prompts more manipulative behaviors. Even if a narcissist enters therapy, progress is typically slow and limited. Any positive change requires great motivation and intensive long-term intervention.
For most narcissistic spouses, their behaviors remain static. Or the spouse’s increasing independence may prompt the narcissist to discard the relationship and pursue a new source of validation. Meaningful change ultimately depends on the narcissist’s willingness to reckon with their disorder. It should never come at the expense of the spouse’s safety and well-being. Those married to a narcissist often feel so worn down that creating distance is the healthiest option.
Conclusion
Marriages affected by one spouse’s narcissism face chronic issues from the resulting imbalanced dynamics. The narcissist spouse requires constant validation, lacks empathy, feels entitled to special treatment, and exhibits manipulative behaviors that undermine trust and intimacy in the marriage. The other spouse often feels lonely, confused, and emotionally drained from coping with the narcissist’s misconduct and inability to have a healthy, loving relationship.
Establishing boundaries, seeking empathetic support, and prioritizing their own needs are constructive steps for the spouse of a narcissist. The narcissist rarely changes substantially without intensive therapy. For many, accepting the narcissist’s limited capacity for change and ending the dysfunctional marriage ultimately brings relief despite the challenges involved. A spouse should be cautious leaving any marriage with a narcissist and ensure their safety, legal, and financial positions are protected. But removing themselves from the narcissist’s torments and pursuing a more fulfilling life is often in their best interests.