Dealing with a narcissist can be incredibly challenging. Their sense of entitlement, need for constant validation, and lack of empathy for others can make having a productive conversation feel impossible. So how do you tell someone who thinks they are perfect that they are actually the problem without them flying off the handle? Here are some tips.
Understand Narcissism
First it is important to understand what narcissism really is. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a mental health condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a need for excessive attention and admiration, and a lack of empathy. People with NPD often come across as arrogant, entitled, and selfish. Their sense of superiority leads them to believe they can do no wrong and it is always someone else’s fault when things go wrong. Understanding the traits of NPD can help you frame the conversation properly.
Common Signs of Narcissism
- Exaggerated sense of self-importance
- Preoccupation with success, power, brilliance, beauty or perfect love
- Belief they are special and should only associate with other special people
- Need for excessive admiration
- Sense of entitlement
- Takes advantage of others to achieve their own ends
- Lack of empathy
- Often envious of others or believes others are envious of them
- Arrogant behaviors or attitudes
If the person you need to speak with displays many of these signs, educating yourself on narcissism can help you approach them more strategically.
Choose the Right Time and Place
When you need to have a serious conversation with a narcissist, carefully consider the timing. Choose a time when they are less likely to be distracted or stressed. Avoid attempting a serious conversation at times when you know they tend to be more irritable or in environments where there is a lot going on.
It is also important to have the conversation in private to avoid embarrassing them which may cause further issues. Ask to speak with them alone without others around who may fuel their defensive reactions.
Adopt the Right Mindset
When confronting a narcissist it is crucial you go into the conversation with the right mindset. If you go on the attack or blame them harshly, you will just trigger their defenses. They are incapable of tolerating criticism or accepting responsibility for their actions. You need to remain calm, stick to the facts, and present them in a helpful manner not an accusatory one.
Here are some tips for the right mindset when confronting a narcissist:
- Remain neutral – do not get emotional or angry.
- Have empathy – understand their disorder makes admitting flaws difficult.
- Focus on how you can work together to solve the problem.
- Present evidence factually not judgementally.
- Believe they can get better – with professional help.
Approaching the conversation from a place of compassion rather than anger gives it the best chance of being productive.
Be Specific with Examples
When pointing out problematic behaviors to a narcissist, it is best to focus on specific recent examples versus generalizations. Backing up what you say with evidence helps minimize room for them to argue. For instance, say “Last week when I asked if you could help me clean up after dinner you said…” vs “You never help me.”
Here are some tips when providing examples of problematic narcissistic behaviors:
- Choose the most recent examples – these will resonate the most.
- Stick to factual events not judgements. For example recount what they actually did and said versus attaching labels like “selfish” or “hurtful”.
- Avoid accusations and blame. Use language like “When this happens I feel…” not “You always…”.
- Focus on how the behavior impacts you and others – narcissists struggle with empathy.
The more specific you can be the better chance they will listen versus immediately dismiss you.
Suggest Solutions
Providing potential solutions makes the conversation feel more like a collaborative effort versus an attack. Suggest respectful actions and compromises that can help address the problematic behaviors in the future.
Here are some tips for suggesting solutions when confronting a narcissist:
- Frame suggestions positively – say “In the future it would really help if…” vs “You need to…”
- Offer options and compromises – provide choices so they feel in control.
- Focus on mutual understanding – “I want to understand your perspective, can we…?”
- Avoid demands or strong judgements – “We need to…” or “You have to…” may shut them down.
- Suggest counselling – having a neutral third party could help you communicate.
The more you can make them feel involved in deciding how to change, versus forcing it upon them, the more likely your suggestions will be well received.
Set Boundaries
If destructive narcissistic patterns continue despite your best efforts, it may become necessary to set firm boundaries and stick to them. Explain clearly which behaviors you will no longer accept and what the consequences will be moving forward.
Here are some tips for setting firm boundaries with a narcissist:
- Be specific – Clearly define the problem behaviors and impact. Do not generalize.
- Make consequences clear – State exactly what will happen if they continue. Follow through consistently.
- Keep emotions in check – Calmly explain the boundaries without anger or judgement.
- Consider space – Limit contact if needed to reinforce new boundaries.
- Get support – Rely on others to stay strong if narcissist tries to manipulate.
Boundaries may cause initial conflict but over time they can inspire change. It is important you enforce them consistently and seek outside support if needed.
Seek Help from Others When Needed
Challenging a narcissist’s behavior will often be met with denial, lies, or anger. Their need to be right combined with lack of empathy makes them highly skilled at rationalizing their actions and manipulating others. You may start doubting yourself.
Turning to trusted friends, family, or professionals can provide needed reality checks. Here are some ways getting outside perspectives can help:
- Get confirmation you are not overreacting so you stay confident.
- Brainstorm strategies for communicating effectively.
- Have an intervention with allies to confront problematic behaviors.
- Get counseling to manage the relationship in a healthy way.
- Find the support needed to distance yourself if patterns remain unchanged.
A narcissist’s skewed perceptions can really distort your own. Leaning on objective outside sources helps provide clarity and strength.
Be Prepared to Walk Away
If despite your best efforts the narcissist refuses to acknowledge their behaviors and nothing changes, walking away may be your only option. Narcissism in its extreme forms is very resistant to treatment. You need to weigh whether continuing the relationship is healthy for you.
Here are signs it may be time to walk away from a narcissist:
- Your emotional, mental, or physical health deteriorates.
- You are constantly feeling anxious, depressed, or walking on eggshells.
- Your needs and feelings are completely disregarded.
- They frequently cross established boundaries.
- You are blamed and criticized constantly but they take no responsibility.
If the relationship drains you without reciprocation it is time to prioritize your own well-being, even if that ultimately means cutting ties.
Conclusion
Telling a narcissist their problematic behaviors are the root cause of relationship issues will likely be met with hostility and denial. Their distorted self-image makes accepting blame or criticism very difficult. However, by arming yourself with empathy, facts, and specific examples you can thoughtfully confront their behaviors while avoiding stirring up further conflict. Offer solutions, set boundaries, and seek outside support. Be prepared though that you may have to walk away despite your best efforts if they are unable to admit their own role in causing disruption in the relationship.