Marriage takes a lot of work to maintain a healthy and happy relationship. Over time, the stress of daily life, unresolved conflicts, communication issues, shifting priorities, and stagnancy can drain the passion and fulfillment out of even the strongest of marriages. Knowing when you’ve hit a rough patch versus realizing you’re completely checked out and tired of your marriage can be confusing. Here are some signs that indicate you may be ready to call it quits.
You’ve fallen out of love
It’s not uncommon for that initial spark of infatuation and passion to fizzle after being together for many years. But when you no longer feel any emotional intimacy or affection for your spouse whatsoever, it could mean you’ve fallen out of love. You don’t look forward to spending time together, you’re no longer sexually attracted to them, and the idea of being affectionate feels forced or unnatural. Falling out of love doesn’t necessarily mean divorce is inevitable – it may be possible to rekindle those feelings with effort. But if you’ve felt this way for a long time with no change, it likely means you’re no longer compatible.
Constant fighting and toxicity
All couples argue from time to time. But when your relationship has deteriorated to the point where you’re constantly at each other’s throats, that’s a giant red flag. Frequent fighting over minor issues, screaming matches, name calling, stonewalling, and other toxic behavior creates an unhealthy and stressful environment for both of you. If you walk on eggshells to avoid setting off your partner’s anger, or no longer feel safe being vulnerable around them, those are signs it may be time to walk away. Healthy marriages require mutual understanding and respect.
Cheating
Infidelity doesn’t always mean a relationship is doomed. If it was a one time lapse in judgement, some couples are able to move past cheating with counseling, rebuilding trust, and re-committing to each other. However, serial cheating or emotional affairs are usually deal breakers. Being intimate with someone else involves deception and violates agreed upon boundaries and trust in the relationship. It shows a lack of respect, care, and commitment to your spouse and the marriage itself. While some marriages can heal after infidelity, most are unable to regain that broken trust.
You have grown apart
People change tremendously throughout their lives. The person you were when you first got married may be very different from who you are now. Over the years, you and your spouse may have grown into people with diverging values, interests, life goals, and worldviews. Married couples should evolve together with shared experiences. If you’ve grown into individuals who no longer relate well and have little in common anymore, that disconnect can make you feel isolated and lonely in your marriage.
Lack of intimacy
Intimacy encompasses more than just sex – it involves emotional and spiritual closeness as well. When you no longer connect intellectually, struggle to communicate openly, avoid affection, and don’t make time for romance, it drains the intimacy right out of your marriage. People have differing libidos and sex drives that ebb and flow. But if you’re not interested in physical or emotional intimacy with your spouse for months or years on end, it may mean you’ve checked out of the relationship.
Unhappy more often than not
Every relationship will have ups and downs. But if you find yourself unhappy and unfulfilled by your marriage more often than not, it could mean you’re better off going separate ways. Being stuck in a marriage that constantly makes you feel depressed, lonely, resentful, or angry prevents you from experiencing joy and living your best life. Life is too short. While counseling can help improve some relationships, if fundamental aspects like mutual love, respect and compatibility are truly missing, you may be better off leaving.
Nothing changes despite effort
Before deciding to end a marriage, couples should put effort into addressing issues through open communication and marriage counseling. If one partner expresses discontent, but nothing ever changes despite repeated attempts over a long period of time, the marriage may be unsalvageable. When feelings go unheard and problems remain unresolved, the cycle of misery continues. At some point, you have to recognize you’ve hit an impasse and further efforts to save the marriage will only breed more resentment.
You fantasize about life apart
Fantasizing about freedom, dating again, moving away, or a different partner could signal you’ve already checked out of the marriage mentally. You go through the motions of married life, but are emotionally detached and ready to move on. If thoughts about starting fresh and leaving your spouse behind excite you more than working on repairing your marriage, it may be time to move on.
Your needs aren’t being met
Healthy marriages involve compromise and supporting each other’s needs. But when fundamental needs like love, respect, affection, emotional intimacy, trust, support, acceptance, and partnership go unfulfilled for long periods, it takes a heavy toll. Feeling lonely or taken for granted in your marriage can lead to bitterness and exhaustion. If repeated attempts to articulate your needs are dismissed, it may be time to find a partner who can meet them.
You have irreparable differences
Couples can productively work through all sorts of issues when there is mutual understanding and willingness to compromise. However, some differences truly are irreconcilable and can fracture a marriage. Disagreements about having kids, financial views, intimacy needs, ambition, geographic location, religion, politics, and other core values are often insurmountable. If you and your spouse are fundamentally incompatible in one or more central areas with little room for compromise, divorce may be the healthier option.
You feel relief at the thought of divorce
If you feel a huge sense of relief when you think about ending your marriage, it’s a sign it may be the right path for you. Staying with your spouse out of comfort, finances, kids, societal expectations, or guilt when you’re deeply unhappy and unfulfilled takes an enormous toll on your emotional well-being. The prospect of divorce may seem scary or sad initially. But if after reflection, the predominant emotions are optimism and excitement about a fresh start, that’s very telling.
Your self-esteem has eroded
Marriages built on love, mutual care and respect uplift both partners and make them feel secure. When that foundation erodes, being in an unhappy marriage can destroy your self-confidence. Feeling constantly criticized, belittled, disrespected or ignored by your spouse can make you feel worthless. Recapturing your sense of self, joy, and purpose may require leaving the relationship that is dragging you down and rebuilding your self-esteem.
Your health is declining
Studies show being in an unhappy marriage takes a significant physical and emotional toll that manifests in numerous health problems. The constant stress of marital conflict weakens the immune system and can lead to cardiovascular disease, insomnia, depression, anxiety, obesity and other chronic conditions. If your health has steadily declined during your marriage, it could be an indicator it’s time to let go before more damage is done. Your well-being must come first.
You feel trapped
When you’re merely staying in a marriage you’re unhappy in due to fear, societal expectations, finances, children, or other constraints it breeds resentment, apathy, and sadness. The feeling of being stuck and unable to live your life with agency, purpose, and joy is stifling. If you’re only sticking it out because you feel trapped without better options, it may be time to take control of your life again, even if that means separation.
Table summarizing signs you may be tired of your marriage:
| Signs You’re Tired of Your Marriage |
|---|
| You’ve fallen out of love |
| Constant fighting and toxicity |
| Cheating |
| You have grown apart |
| Lack of intimacy |
| Unhappy more often than not |
| Nothing changes despite effort |
| You fantasize about life apart |
| Your needs aren’t being met |
| You have irreparable differences |
| You feel relief at the thought of divorce |
| Your self-esteem has eroded |
| Your health is declining |
| You feel trapped |
Conclusion
Marriages go through natural ups and downs. But if your relationship has deteriorated to the point that you’re questioning how much longer you can endure unhappiness, lack of affection, constant conflict, or other chronic issues, it may be your body and mind telling you it’s time to let go. Partnerships built on mutual love, trust and respect should lift you up and make you feel secure – not drain you. While counseling can be helpful for some couples, if you’ve tried to address core problems without success, separating may be healthiest path forward to restore joy and fulfillment in life.