Being someone’s second option or backup plan in a relationship can be a painful and confusing experience. You may start to question your self-worth and if this person genuinely cares for you. Here are some signs that indicate you may be a second choice rather than a priority in your partner’s eyes:
They are still emotionally attached to an ex
If your partner frequently brings up their ex in conversation, reminisces about the good times they had together, or seems to be stuck in the past, it could be a red flag. Even if they claim to be over their ex, they may be keeping that door open or hoping to rekindle that old flame someday. You deserve someone who is completely focused on you.
Your relationship lacks effort and investment
A priority partner will make you a priority. If your partner rarely initiates contact, planning dates or meaningful conversations, it may be because you are not a top choice for them. They may be putting more time and energy into other interests or potential relationships. Take note if your efforts to connect are one-sided.
You only hear from them when it’s convenient
Someone who genuinely cares about you will make spending time together a consistent priority, not just when it fits their schedule. If you only hear from them late at night, or they tend to cancel plans at the last minute, it could mean you are a second thought to them. They may be fitting you in between other commitments.
There is a lack of future planning
If your partner avoids talking about the future or making plans beyond the short-term, they may not see you as a long-term choice. There may be a lack of discussion around important milestones like meeting each other’s families, moving in together someday, or vision planning for the future.
You don’t know where you stand
A priority partner will make their feelings and intentions clear to you, whether through words or consistent actions. If someone keeps you at arm’s length emotionally, frequently pulls away, or runs hot and cold, they likely have one foot out the door. You deserve security and reassurance in a relationship.
Your gut feeling tells you something is off
Trust your instincts. Deep down, you likely know if you are not a top choice and are being kept around only when it suits them. Pay attention if you constantly question where you fall on their priority list or feel unvalued. Those gut feelings exist for a reason.
Signs They Have Stronger Feelings For Someone Else
It can be even more painful if you suspect your partner has stronger romantic feelings or attraction toward another person. Here are some potential indicators of this:
They become distant, distracted or emotionally withdrawn
If your once attentive and engaged partner suddenly becomes difficult to reach, wants more alone time, or seems closed off, it could signal they have feelings for someone else. Emotional distance is often a sign of either cheating or emotional investment in another person.
They take extra care in their appearance/grooming
You notice your partner has started putting more time and effort into their hairstyle, clothing selection, gym routine and overall appearance. They may be trying to impress another person or encourage romantic interest.
You catch them lying or notice inconsistencies in their stories
Obvious lies, shady behavior and story inconsistencies often point to infidelity or interest in someone else. Pay attention if details of their day suddenly change or don’t add up. Where were they? Who were they with? Why weren’t you invited?
guarding of phone/electronics
If your transparent and trusting partner suddenly becomes extremely protective of their phone, constantly anxious when you are near it, that can signal inappropriate communications with someone else. They may also change passwords or add extra security.
More nights out without you
An increasing number of recreational activities, social outings or business trips without you may mean they have found another romantic interest. The absence allows them to connect one-on-one with someone else under the guise of a normal outing.
Less intimacy/romantic connection with you
Growing emotional and physical distance in your own relationship is a possible red flag. If romantic gestures, physical intimacy and quality time together have noticeably decreased, it may be because their energy is focused elsewhere.
How To Respond If You Are The Second Choice
Discovering you are likely a second option can be painful. Here are some tips for self-care and evaluating whether to continue the relationship:
Make your needs and expectations clear
Have an open and honest conversation with your partner about what you need in a relationship to be happy and feel valued. If they care, they will listen and try to meet those needs. If not, you have your answer.
Focus on self-care and boosting self-esteem
Being a backup plan can damage your confidence. Counteract this by doing things that make you feel empowered, beautiful and happy. Surround yourself with people who appreciate you.
Give yourself time and space if needed
You do not need to make any rushed decisions. It is healthy to take a temporary break from the relationship if needed to gain clarity and perspective on if this dynamic is acceptable long-term.
Consider if this relationship is right for you
Think deeply if being someone’s second choice aligns with your relationship values and vision. Weigh the pros and cons. Do the heartbreak and doubts outweigh the positives of the relationship?
Know your worth and set boundaries
Remind yourself that you deserve to be someone’s first choice and number one priority. Set boundaries around how you expect to be treated in a relationship. Stand up for yourself.
Leave if your self-worth continues to suffer
You may decide to stay in this relationship or give your partner a second chance. But if being the second option severely damages your self-esteem over time, it may be healthiest long-term to leave.
Conclusion
Being the second choice in a relationship can undermine your self-confidence and fill you with constant uncertainty. While there may be occasions where working through this dynamic is worthwhile, truly evaluate whether you are comfortable with this long-term. A fulfilling relationship requires openness, trust, mutual investment and assurance that you are a top priority in your partner’s eyes. You deserve nothing less.