Finding out if someone is having secret conversations can be tricky. Oftentimes, people who are hiding something will go to great lengths to cover their tracks. However, there are some signs you can look for that may indicate secret communications are taking place.
They are Protective of Their Phone or Computer
One of the most obvious red flags is when someone suddenly becomes very protective of their phone or computer. For example, they may start bringing their phone into the bathroom with them when they shower, or they may position their computer screen so it’s not visible when you walk by. If your partner or friend seems to be shielding their devices from your view, it could mean they are hiding secret conversations.
Their Device Habits Change
Another sign of secret conversations is a change in device habits. For instance, perhaps your partner normally leaves their phone unattended, but now they are carrying it everywhere. Or maybe your friend used to stay logged into Facebook on their computer, but now they promptly log out every time they walk away. Any major shifts in how someone interacts with their technology could be a red flag.
They Seem Distracted
Sometimes the easiest giveaway that secret communication is happening is that the person seems distracted or not fully present. You may notice that your partner’s gaze keeps drifting to their phone when you are trying to talk to them. Or your friend is glued to their computer screen late into the night. Being disengaged from real life in favor of virtual interactions can be a sign of hiding something.
Conversations Stop When You Enter the Room
If your partner is on the phone but abruptly says “I’ll call you back” when you walk into the room, that behavior should raise some questions. Similarly, if your child is chatting on their computer but quickly clicks to a different screen when you approach, it may mean they don’t want you to see who they were talking to. Any sudden interruptions or changes in demeanor upon your arrival could suggest secret communications.
Their Schedule Doesn’t Add Up
Sometimes secret conversations are happening not via technology, but in real life meetups. Pay attention if your partner says they are going to one place but you later find out they were somewhere else entirely. Unexplained gaps of time away or schedule inconsistencies can mean they are meeting up with someone they don’t want you to know about.
You Notice Other Signs of Cheating
Secret conversations often go hand-in-hand with cheating and infidelity. So if you are noticing other classic signs like increased privacy, changes in sex life, hiding financial transactions, or dressing up more, that should raise your suspicion too. Where there are other signs of cheating, there may also be clandestine communications facilitating it.
Their Social Media Doesn’t Match Up
These days, many secret communications happen over social media apps and sites. If you notice your partner has been communicating with someone frequently on social media, but has never mentioned that person, it’s worth investigating further. Also, pay attention if their social media posts don’t match up with where they said they were or what they said they were doing. The inconsistencies could point to secret interactions and meetups.
Trust Your Instincts
Perhaps most importantly, don’t ignore your intuition. If something feels off or secretive, pay attention to that instinct. You may subconsciously notice small behavioral or language changes that give away hidden communications. While none of these signs guarantee secrecy, they are red flags to investigate further.
Ways to Confirm Secret Conversations
If you suspect secret conversations, here are some steps you can take to try to confirm whether they are really happening:
- Check phone/computer history when possible. Look for frequently contacted numbers, emails, usernames, apps, websites, etc. that seem suspicious.
- Physically check their devices if you have the opportunity. But keep in mind this risks increasing distrust.
- Monitor social media activity. Use another account to check interactions if necessary.
- Use spyware or monitoring apps at your own discretion. These come with moral dilemmas, so use carefully if at all.
- Follow or physically surveil them. Only do so without crossing legal or ethical lines.
- Hire a computer forensics expert. They can conduct professional investigations into device history and usage.
- Check phone bills for recurring unknown numbers or accounts. Use online account records if helpful.
- Ask open-ended questions and watch for inconsistent or defensive reactions.
- Fake a call or message and gauge their response. See how they explain who contacted.
When to Confront Someone about Secret Conversations
If you believe you have enough proof of clandestine communications, you may want to confront the person. Here are some things to consider first:
- Get your facts straight. Only accuse them of what you can concretely prove.
- Decide if you are willing to reveal how you obtained your information. It may raise trust issues.
- Try to stay calm when discussing your discoveries. Don’t jump to conclusions.
- Think about what you want from the confrontation. Are you willing to work through this issue with them?
- Practice what you want to say ahead of time. Focus on using “I” statements about how this makes you feel.
- Have a plan for potential retaliation or denial. They may try to turn blame around on you.
- Find a private moment to initiate the conversation, not mid-conflict or publicly.
- Get support. Talk to someone you trust before and after confronting your suspicions.
When to Walk Away from Secret Conversations
Discovering a partner or friend’s hidden communications may indicate a serious betrayal of trust. In some cases, it may be healthiest to walk away from the situation entirely. Consider leaving if:
- The secret conversations clearly cross established relationship boundaries and cannot be repaired.
- There are other compounding factors like emotional abuse, gaslighting, violence, or addiction issues.
- They exhibit no remorse and continue the secrecy even after confronted.
- Your physical health or safety feel jeopardized by staying.
- The relationship involves minors being victimized or criminal behaviors.
- You have given them repeated chances to change which they refuse.
- The relationship has been deteriorating anyway and this was the last straw.
- There are no kids, financial ties or other barriers stopping you from leaving.
How to Rebuild Trust After Secret Conversations
If you want to try to rebuild your relationship after discovering secret communications, it takes time and concentrated effort. Both people must be committed to transparency and honesty going forward. Some tips for restoring trust include:
- Get counseling, individually and as a couple if possible.
- Limit technology use within the relationship, keeping conversations face-to-face.
- Agree on open access to each other’s devices moving forward.
- Check in frequently about how you each are feeling as you process this betrayal.
- Write out a plan detailing boundaries and expectations around secrecy.
- Commit to total honesty about activities, whereabouts, finances, communications, etc.
- Be understanding that trust may need to be rebuilt slowly over consistent actions.
- Forgive each other, but don’t forget. Let go of anger but acknowledge if anything seems amiss going forward.
Conclusion
Discovering secret communications from a partner, friend or family member can seriously damage trust. While rebuilding relationships after betrayal takes time and effort, it is possible in many cases for both people to eventually move forward. With consistent transparency, honesty and counseling, you can get your relationship back on track if both parties are truly committed to change.