Figuring out if a narcissist wants to rekindle a relationship can be complicated. Narcissists tend to be self-centered and manipulative, making their motives difficult to discern. However, there are some telltale signs that may indicate a narcissist’s interest in reconciliation.
1. They make contact after a period of silence
One of the strongest indicators is when a narcissist contacts you again after a period of silence or no contact. For example, if your ex stopped communicating with you for a few weeks or months after a breakup, but then suddenly reaches out or responds to you, it could suggest they are open to reconciling.
Narcissists often use the “silent treatment” as a manipulation tactic after a breakup. By disappearing for a while and then reappearing, they hope to regain the upper hand and control in the relationship.
So if your narcissistic ex-partner abruptly breaks a period of silence, they may be testing the waters to pursue you again. Beware, however, that this could be motivated by their desire to have power over you, not authentic interest.
2. Their social media activity shows they are thinking of you
Social media stalking unfortunately gives a direct window into the narcissist’s world. If your ex has been posting quotes, songs, images, or updates that relate to your relationship, it can signal they have reconciliation on their mind.
For instance, if their online activity is focused on love, heartbreak, missing someone, getting back together, etc., it may be a ploy to catch your attention. Narcissists love using social media to manipulate.
Some social media activity that may indicate interest:
- Posting old pictures of the two of you together
- Sharing relationship quotes or song lyrics
- Vaguebooking about how much they miss their ex
- Following, commenting on, or liking your posts and photos
Essentially, they are going out of their way to ensure you see how much they “care”. Take this behavior with a grain of salt, as it is often just for show.
3. Their attempts to make you jealous
A huge red flag is if the narcissistic ex tries to stir up feelings of jealousy in you. They may flaunt new romantic partners, talk about dating other people, post photos looking cozy with strangers, or brag about getting attention.
This demonstrates they are thinking about you, and trying to get your attention. However, provoking envy is extremely toxic and never worth engaging.
Some signs of attempted jealousy:
- Bragging about hookups or new boyfriends/girlfriends
- Flirting with others in front of you
- Talking about getting hit on
- Saying how happy they are without you
Narcissists live for drama, and making you jealous gives them supply. Give them no reaction.
4. Their criticism and belittling turns to praise
A huge tactic narcissists use is criticism and belittling. This lets them control you and chip away at your self-esteem. So if their demeanor shifts from nasty criticism to praise and flattery, it can signal they want to get back in your good graces.
For example, if they used to insult your looks, talents, personality or embarrass you publicly, but then suddenly start complimenting you, take it with extreme caution. Love bombing is often used to manipulate.
Some examples of sudden praise:
- “You look so beautiful today.”
- “I really miss how funny and smart you are.”
- “I took you for granted.”
- “I’ve never felt as happy and alive as I did when I was with you.”
This drastic change in tone shows they view you as a source of supply, and will say anything to obtain it. Remember, actions speak louder than words.
5. You have a strong gut feeling
In many cases, you may simply have an overwhelming intuitive sense that the narcissist wants you back. Especially if you were involved for a long time, you likely understand the nuances of their behavior patterns.
Pay close attention to any intuition or gut feelings that surface. Only you know the relationship’s history and undercurrents.
Some signs your intuition may be telling you:
- You run into them more frequently than normal
- They ask probing questions about you
- They get defensive if you talk about moving on
- They seem to be hanging around your social circles
Trust yourself. You probably recognize the attempts to manipulate, even if they are subtle or covert.
6. They express feelings of regret or sadness
In a rare moment of authenticity, the narcissist may confess regret about how things ended between you. They may admit to feeling depressed, empty or lonely without you in their lives.
These statements can come across as vulnerable, but proceed with wisdom if they do. Narcissists may use these declarations to prey on your empathy and get back with you.
Some statements of regret:
- “I should have treated you better when we were together.”
- “Losing you was the biggest mistake. I don’t know how to get over it.”
- “I took you for granted. I’ll always regret losing you.”
- “My life has felt so empty without you. I don’t feel like myself anymore.”
While these admissions may be genuine, they can also be ploys to manipulate you. Judge the person by their actions more than anything.
7. Their body language when you meet
When encountering the narcissist in person, their body language and nonverbal cues can reveal a lot about their intentions. Do they seem nervous? Are they more fidgety or animated? Do they stare at you from across the room?
Look for subtle signs like:
- Facing their body towards you
- Making strong, prolonged eye contact
- Smiling constantly at you
- Laughing loudly to get your attention
- Hovering around your personal space
These nonverbal signals can indicate romantic or sexual interest. Pay attention if their body language differs from how they used to act around you.
8. Their hoovering attempts through friends
“Hoovering” refers to when a narcissist tries to suck you back into a relationship through manipulation and persuasion. Often, they will use third parties like shared friends, family members or colleagues to hoover you indirectly.
For example, the narcissist may spread lies that they are devastated without you, or that they are trying to change. They know this gossip will trickle back to you.
Some hoovering attempts through others:
- Telling a mutual friend they want to get coffee to “catch up”
- Lamenting loudly to your mom how much they miss “being part of the family”
- Posting old photos with you on social media where colleagues can see
- Telling people at your gym they regret “how toxic things became”
Consider going low or no contact if you find the narcissist trying to hoover you through secondary sources. Protect your peace.
9. Their exaggerated promises of change
When a narcissist wants to get back in your good graces, they will often promise exaggerated (and false) changes in their behavior. They will swear they can become a new person.
Some common claims they will make:
- “I’m going to therapy so I can be better for you.”
- “I cut all those toxic people out of my life.”
- “I stopped drinking/doing drugs.”
- “I know how wrong I was and I’ll never make those mistakes again.”
- “I’ve changed completely, you’ll see.”
While these commitments to growth may sound appealing initially, know they are likely empty words. A narcissist rarely follows through with meaningful change. Judge on demonstrated improvements, not future faux promises.
10. They offer gifts and favors
A narcissist may also attempt to butter you up with gifts, favors or niceties when they want to win you over again. This is a form of love bombing – they shower you with attention, affection and compliments to get power.
Some examples:
- Buying you expensive jewelry or flowers
- Offering to take care of tasks and chores for you
- Treating you to fancy dinners, vacations, etc.
- Promising to lend you money or resources
While these gestures may seem sweet on the surface, they can be a calculated tactic to manipulate you and allow access back into your life. Be very wary.
Conclusion
In summary, some signs a narcissist may want you back include:
- Breaking a period of no contact
- Flaunting themselves on social media
- Trying to make you jealous
- Shifting from criticism to praise
- Expressing regret or sadness
- A strong gut feeling
- Using body language to get attention
- Hoovering through friends
- Promising exaggerated change
- Love bombing with gifts
However, the motivations of a narcissist are often murky. Approach any reconciliation attempts with extreme caution, and do what is best for your mental health and well-being.