Dating with a chronic skin condition like hidradenitis suppurativa (HS) can be challenging, but it is definitely possible to have a fulfilling romantic life. HS is a long-term skin condition that causes painful abscesses and scarring on areas like the armpits, groin, and under the breasts. While HS does not affect your ability to have healthy relationships, it does require some extra communication and planning when navigating intimacy and dating. With the right approach, you can find partners who understand your needs and build strong bonds despite the limitations of your condition.
Should you disclose your HS when dating?
Deciding whether to tell a new partner about your HS is a very personal choice that depends on your comfort level. There are pros and cons to disclosing early on versus waiting until you know someone better:
- Disclosing early allows you to gauge if a partner will be understanding and compassionate about HS from the start.
- Waiting to tell someone gives you time to establish an emotional connection first before revealing something so personal.
- Bringing up HS early on can “weed out” people who would react poorly or not be supportive.
- Discussing it too soon may lead to over-focusing on the condition rather than getting to know each other.
There are no right or wrong approaches, but in general, sharing about your HS once you start discussing intimacy is a good middle ground. This gives you time to establish trust while also preparing a partner before physical intimacy occurs.
How to bring up HS with a new partner
When you feel ready to start a conversation about your condition, choose a time when you are both relaxed. You may want to begin by explaining generally that you have a chronic skin condition, and give a simple overview of areas impacted and your main symptoms. Share briefly how HS affects your daily life or any important self-care routines.
Make it clear that HS is not contagious or life-threatening, and emphasize that you are just like anyone else in what you want out of a relationship. Offer to answer any questions, while noting your partner may need time to process. Bringing informational material or directing them to online resources about HS can also help increase understanding.
Try not to overload someone with a large info dump right away. Gauge their initial reaction, and disclose more details gradually as your intimacy progresses. With a compassionate partner, being open about your HS can improve communication, trust, and comfort in your relationship.
Navigating physical intimacy
It is normal to feel self-conscious about exposing HS affected areas during physical intimacy. Some key tips include:
- Keep skin clean and dry to reduce odor, discomfort, and risk of infection.
- Cover active HS lesions with dressings or bandages.
- Take oral antibiotics or pain medication preventatively if needed.
- Discuss preferences for positioning or modifications to avoid rubbing on lesions.
- Have low lighting, or leave some clothing on if it makes you more comfortable.
- Schedule intimacy for times when your symptoms are milder.
- Use humor to laugh off any awkward moments and keep perspective.
If certain types of sex are too uncomfortable, focus on what brings you pleasure – there are always alternatives like oral sex, mutual masturbation, or massage. Communicate openly with your partner about what feels good or aggravating. With creativity and honesty, you can maintain an active, satisfying sex life.
Coping with HS flares
Even if you take precautions, HS flares may still disrupt intimacy at times. Try not to get frustrated with yourself or your partner. Explain what you are experiencing and how it limits your sexual activity for the time being. Explore other forms of physical intimacy like cuddling, stroking each other’s hair, giving massages, or taking a bath together.
Emotional intimacy is just as important as physical. Spend quality time together focused on conversation, shared activities, or support during flares. With patience and adaptability from both people, you can stay deeply connected through all phases of HS symptoms.
Finding the right partner
Living with a chronic condition means finding a compassionate, emotionally mature partner is especially important. Look for someone who prioritizes communication, respects your boundaries, and focuses more on who you are as a person versus just physical appearance. HS can sometimes act as a “filter” for poor relationship fits.
Avoid partners who make you feel ashamed or self-conscious about your body. The right person will make you feel accepted, desirable, and loved holistically – HS and all. You deserve to be with someone you feel 100% comfortable with, who gives you confidence and strength.
Enriching your relationship despite HS limitations
While HS may limit certain physical activities, prioritize enriching your bond emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. You can:
- Have in-depth conversations or debates about meaningful topics.
- Cook meals together, listen to music, watch movies and discuss them afterwards.
- Take turns planning creative dates based on your shared interests.
- Give each other massages or acupuncture treatments at home.
- Go for walks in nature holding hands, or simply relax in the sunshine outdoors.
- Explore spiritual practices like meditation, prayer rituals, reading poetry, etc.
- Work on DIY projects, art, or volunteer work side-by-side.
Instead of focusing on your restrictions, discover new ways to foster intimacy that nourish you as whole people – mind, body and soul.
Seeking support
Having HS does not mean you are destined for loneliness or an unsatisfying love life. But it does require courage, vulnerability, and communication when dating. Lean on friends or family for support when needed. Consider joining HS support groups to learn from others navigating relationships with this condition.
With time, you will discover partners worth opening yourself up to, who see you as so much more than your skin. Have faith that the right people will embrace every part of you with compassion. You are worthy of love, intimacy, and joy – HS does not diminish that.
Conclusion
Dating with hidradenitis suppurativa has unique challenges, but lasting relationships are absolutely achievable. Being open about your HS once trust is established, taking precautions during intimacy, adapting activities based on your symptoms, focusing on emotional connection, and finding caring partners are key. With the right balance of communication, creativity, and confidence, you can have satisfying, enriching romantic experiences despite your condition.