Narcissistic parents can have a profound impact on their children. Their need for attention and lack of empathy often result in unhealthy parent-child relationships. Understanding how narcissists view and treat their children can help explain the dynamics in these families.
The narcissistic parent’s emotional needs come first
At the core of narcissism is the relentless pursuit of validation and self-esteem. Narcissistic parents see their children as mere extensions of themselves, useful for providing the unconditional love and adoration they crave. Their children’s own emotional needs are irrelevant or viewed as a nuisance.
Narcissistic parents may shower their children with praise when they reflect back a positive image, but are indifferent or demeaning when their children show independence. They may demand perfection, but nothing the child does is ever good enough. Narcissistic parents emotionally manipulate their children and often fully exploit their sensitive natures.
Children are objectified and conditioned
Narcissistic parents objectify their children, treating them more as possessions than people. Children are expected to represent the ideal family the narcissistic parent envisions. The only needs and desires that matter are those of the narcissistic parent.
Children of narcissists learn from an early age to tiptoe around their parent’s fragile self-esteem. They are conditioned to recognize and cater to their narcissistic parent’s needs and whims. Expressing their own emotions or needs often leads to guilt, shame, or dismissal. Children learn to hide their true feelings and walk on eggshells to keep the peace.
Roles are assigned and enforced
Narcissistic parents assign roles to each child and rigidly enforce them. There may be a golden child who can do no wrong. This child is a reflection of the narcissistic parent’s inflated self-image. There may also be a scapegoat who is devalued and receives the brunt of criticism and abuse. Remaining children fill roles like the lost child, mediator, or caretaker who tries to smooth things over in the family.
These roles undermine each child’s ability to develop an authentic sense of self. The golden child may become entitled and learn to exploit others like the narcissistic parent. The scapegoat believes the criticisms directed at them, developing poor self-esteem and self-worth.
Independence and boundaries are punished
Narcissistic parents see children more as extensions or property of themselves, rather than separate individuals with their own identities. Therefore, as children grow older and begin developing their sense of self, they are often met with anger, manipulation, and retribution from the narcissistic parent. Things like expressing opinions different from the parent, making autonomous decisions, developing interests or friendships outside the family may be punished or aggressively suppressed.
Some narcissistic parents actively inhibit their child’s independence out of fear of abandonment. Their sense of self depends so much on their role as a parent that the child asserting him or herself causes the parent to feel threatened, worthless, and depleted.
Achievements and failures are exploited
Everything the child of a narcissist does is exploited for the parent’s benefit. Achievements are bragged about to make the parent look good or taken credit for as evidence of the parent’s essential role in that success. Failures or misbehaviors are harshly criticized and used to prove the child’s ungratefulness or to depict the parent as a long-suffering martyr.
In both scenarios, the child’s feelings are irrelevant. Their accomplishments and failures merely serve as opportunities for the narcissistic parent to glorify or pity themselves. This leaves children feeling like their lives do not fully belong to them.
Love is conditional and unstable
The “love” narcissistic parents show towards their children is highly conditional and unstable. One moment the child may be lavished with praise, gifts, and affection. But the next moment they may be devalued, ignored, or criticized over the smallest infraction. Their sense of security within the family is constantly shifting and uncertain.
Children of narcissists grow up doubting themselves and seeking validation because the parental love they depend on feels so conditional. They often feel desperate to please their narcissistic parents and earn the love they crave. This leads to an anxious attachment style that makes healthy adult relationships a challenge.
Long term impact on children
Being raised by narcissistic parents can have life-long effects on children. Some common struggles faced by adult children of narcissists include:
| Difficulty | Description |
|---|---|
| Low self-esteem | After years of criticism and abuse, children internalize the parent’s damaging messages about them. |
| People-pleasing | Anxiously seeking validation and love from others to fill the emotional void left by their parents. |
| Trust issues | Inability to depend on others after being betrayed so often by their parents. |
| Anxiety | Carrying the emotional turmoil of the unstable, unsafe family environment into adulthood. |
| Difficulty with intimacy | Struggling to build close relationships after the parental bonds were so damaged or non-existent. |
| Perfectionism | Believing they must be perfect to earn love after the impossible standards set by parents. |
Without therapy and establishing healthy boundaries, the child is at risk of repeating dysfunctional patterns in adulthood. They may perpetuate the cycle of abuse with their own children or continually seek unhealthy, one-sided relationships.
Symptoms of narcissistic parenting
Not all narcissists have children, but those that do often exhibit some of the following parental behaviors:
- Feeling envious or threatened by the child’s talents, looks, or success
- Overemphasizing the achievements of the child to live vicariously through them
- Excessively and loudly praising the child to bolster their own image
- Treating the desires and needs of the child as a burden or nuisance
- Pathologically lying about the child or blaming them for family problems
- Expecting the child to read their mind and anticipate their needs
- Reacting with rage and disdain when the child expresses disagreement
- Criticizing the child’s opinions, emotions, or values as stupid or wrong
- Denying promises and emotional abuse with gaslighting phrases like “that never happened”
- Failing to comfort the child when scared, hurt, or upset
These behaviors can cause significant childhood trauma that follows children into their adult lives.
Conclusion
Narcissistic parents see their children more as objects, possessions or extensions of themselves than as individuals with independent identities. Their parenting style is often exploitative and manipulative, centered around unstable and conditional ‘love’, the undermining of autonomy, and an obsession with control. The result is tremendous damage to the child’s self-esteem, emotional development, and ability to maintain healthy adult relationships. Recognizing the traits of narcissistic parents allows us to intervene early and help at-risk children cope and break the generational patterns of abuse.