A sexless marriage is typically defined as one in which a couple has sex less than 10 times per year. For many men, this can be incredibly frustrating and take a major toll on their self-esteem and overall happiness in the relationship. While there are many complex reasons why couples may experience a sexless marriage, it’s important to understand how this makes men feel.
Feeling Unwanted and Undesired
One of the most common feelings men report in a sexless marriage is feeling unwanted or undesired by their wife. For men, sex is often closely tied to their self-worth and feeling valued by their partner. When physical intimacy declines or disappears in a marriage, many men take this very personally.
They may wonder “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why doesn’t she want me anymore?” Men are prone to equating sexual desire with how attractive and worthwhile their partner finds them. When sex vanishes, some men have a tendency to believe this means their partner has lost interest in them or is no longer attracted. This perceived rejection can deal a huge blow to a man’s confidence and sense of masculinity.
Experiencing Intimacy Starvation
Even men with the most robust social lives can suffer from lack of physical and emotional intimacy when sex disappears in their marriage. For many men, their wife is the primary – if not the only – source of intimacy and connection. Sexless marriages can leave men feeling touch starved and deeply lonely, even if the rest of the relationship seems fine.
Human beings need intimate physical contact and sexuality for optimal health and well-being. When men are deprived of this for months or years, it can take a psychological toll and leave them starved for the intimacy humans naturally crave. This intimacy starvation is one of the most commonly reported feelings men have when sex vanishes from their marriage.
Frustration and Anger
Frustration and anger often arise when there is a major unmet need in a relationship. For many men, sex is a core need – not just for physical pleasure, but emotional intimacy and connection with their wife. When sex disappears, men can feel deeply upset and angry because this vital need is not being fulfilled in the marriage.
Men may feel betrayed or bait-and-switched, especially if their sex life was once healthy and frequent. The frustration can build into resentment that poisons the relationship. Anger arises when communication breaks down and the problem remains unresolved for months or years on end. This anger may only be expressed indirectly through passive aggressive behavior or shutting their partner out emotionally.
Lower Self-Esteem and Confidence
As mentioned before, many men derive a sense of masculinity and self-worth from their sexuality and ability to please their partner. When sex vanishes, the perceived rejection can batter a man’s self-esteem. He may start doubting his desirability and sexual prowess, which dents his confidence. This can create a ripple effect that spills into other areas of his life.
Lower self-esteem may show up as withdrawn social behavior, less motivation and drive at work, giving up hobbies and interests that previously brought joy, and even depression. The longer the sexless marriage drags on, the more it can corrode a man’s self-image and confidence in all areas of life.
Depression and Anxiety
The feelings of loneliness, inadequacy, anger, frustration, and rejection that often accompany a sexless marriage can snowball into depression and anxiety for many men. Research has long demonstrated sexual intimacy and physical touch produce neurochemicals like oxytocin and dopamine that have anti-depressant and anti-anxiety effects.
When men are deprived of these natural hormonal responses for long periods, they may start exhibiting classic symptoms of depression, such as lost interest in activities, changes in eating and sleeping habits, low motivation, sadness, and hopelessness. Anxiety often arises due to negative thought patterns and the strain on the relationship.
Temptation to Cheat or Porn Addiction
The difficult feelings caused by a sexless marriage leave some men more vulnerable to cheating or relying heavily on pornography. Unmet sexual needs combined with the intimacy starvation make infidelity or porn more tempting for certain individuals. However, pursuing either of these outlets typically leads to more relationship damage, shame, and guilt.
Very few men report positive outcomes from cheating or increased porn use when sex vanishes from their marriage. Nevertheless, the desire to fulfill their needs through these external means does arise for some, which can further deteriorate the relationship.
How Common Are Sexless Marriages for Men?
Many men assume a sexless or low sex marriage is rare. But various studies have tried to pin down how often this occurs and for how long:
| 15-20% | Percentage of marriages that are described as “sexless” – having sex less than 10 times per year |
| 33% | Percentage of men aged 18-29 reporting sex 10 times or fewer in the past year with their spouse |
| 15% | Percentage of men aged 30-49 reporting sex 10 times or fewer in the past year with their spouse |
While there is a range based on age, suffice to say a significant percentage of married men find themselves in a sexless or low sex relationship at some point. Studies typically show sexlessness is more common in middle-aged and older couples, but younger couples in their 20s and 30s are still impacted.
Reasons Why Men’s Needs Aren’t Met
There are a myriad of reasons why men’s needs for physical intimacy and sex go unmet in marriages, including:
Prioritizing Children
Many couples see their sex lives take a nosedive after having kids. Exhaustion, postpartum depression, distraction with child-rearing, and differing sexual interests can push couples toward platonic co-parenting roles.
Stress
Daily stressors like jobs, finances, housework, relationship issues, health problems, trauma, and mental health conditions can all hamper sexual desire and frequency. For women, stress is a major libido killer.
Normal Differences in Sex Drives
Men tend to have higher innate sex drives than women. These natural differences can cause conflict when women’s interest wanes due to other factors.
Physical Issues
Sexual problems like erectile dysfunction, low testosterone, vaginal dryness, and pain during sex often contribute to sexless marriages. Medical problems also play a major role for some couples.
Lack of Emotional Intimacy
Prolonged disconnect and poor communication erodes intimacy between partners. Resentment, loneliness, lack of romance, and unresolved conflicts can create barriers to sexuality and connection.
Affair Recovery
Recovering after an affair often necessitates a stretch of sexlessness while trust is rebuilt. This process frequently lasts longer than the unfaithful partner prefers.
Pornography Overuse
Some wives feel hurt and turned off when their husband excessively uses porn. This can dampen both partners’ interest in sex with each other.
Asexuality
A small number of couples stop having sex because one partner identifies as asexual – lacking interest in or desire for sex.
How Men Cope with a Sexless Marriage
Men use a variety of strategies – some more healthy than others – to cope with the difficulties of a sexless marriage:
Burying Themselves in Work
Some focus intensely on their job as a distraction from the relationship problems and unhappiness at home. While this can provide temporary relief, it leads to burnout and doesn’t fix the underlying issues.
Watching More Pornography
Porn may satisfy sexual release and validation in the moment. But it breeds shame and disconnect if the partner feels betrayed. It also ignores the root problem of emotional intimacy breakdown.
Engaging in Affairs
Seeking sex outside the marriage brings temporary excitement and fulfillment of unmet needs. But ultimately destroys trust and fractures the relationship.
Abusing Alcohol or Drugs
Some turn to substance abuse as an unhealthy coping mechanism and escape from relationship unhappiness. This only breeds more problems.
Talking to Their Wife
Open, honest communication about the sexual disconnect and how it makes them feel can help both partners gain understanding, even if major change is slow.
Trying Marriage Counseling
Getting support from a trained therapist is often instrumental in rebuilding intimacy and addressing barriers – even when just one partner participates.
Initiating Non-Sexual Affection
Hugging, kissing, cuddling, massage and other affectionate touch – without the pressure of sex – can help fulfill the need for physical connection.
Focusing on Themselves
Prioritizing their own health, hobbies, social life, personal growth can boost confidence and self-worth outside the marital problems.
Conclusion
In summary, sexless marriages take a major toll emotionally and psychologically for the vast majority of affected men. Feelings of rejection, loneliness, anger, inadequacy, temptation to cheat, and depression are very common. There are many complex reasons couples become sexless, some of which husbands can help address.
No single coping strategy alleviates all the frustrations men experience in sexless marriages, but a combination of communication, professional help, and focusing on their own growth and well-being can help men navigate this difficult challenge. The healthiest solutions involve fixing the root intimacy issues together with their partner.