How can you tell if you're married to a narcissist?

It can be difficult to determine if your spouse is a narcissist, especially when you are emotionally invested in the relationship. However, there are some key signs that may indicate you are married to someone with narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder.

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What is narcissistic personality disorder?

Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration. People with NPD tend to have an exaggerated sense of superiority and are often arrogant and haughty. They often feel entitled to special treatment and have a strong desire for attention and admiration from others.

Signs your spouse may be a narcissist

Here are some common signs that your spouse may be a narcissist:

They have an over-inflated ego and an exaggerated sense of self-importance.
They constantly seek validation and need to be the center of attention.

They often take advantage of others to achieve their own goals.
They lack empathy and don’t recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
They have a sense of entitlement and often act entitled or expect preferential treatment.

They tend to exploit and manipulate people close to them.
They are obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, power, beauty, etc.
They believe they are superior to others and often treat people with contempt.

They constantly seek compliments and affirmations from others.
They become jealous easily and believe others are jealous of them.
They set unrealistic goals and exaggerate their achievements.

They are arrogant and haughty in their behaviors.
They often react with rage or contempt when challenged or criticized.

How narcissism affects a marriage

When one spouse is a narcissist, it can have significant detrimental effects on the marriage:

Lack of empathy leads to neglect of partner’s needs.
Sense of entitlement strains marital resources.
Manipulation erodes trust between spouses.

Need for validation results in criticism of partner.
Grandiose fantasies make reality of marriage disappointing.
Arrogance and superiority lead to emotional abuse.

Obsession with self prevents authentic intimacy.
Exploitation of partner tears the marriage apart.
Envy and belief in spouse’s envy breeds paranoia.

Ultimately, narcissism starves a marriage of the affection, closeness, and genuine fulfillment that couples expect. The narcissist’s excessive self-focus undermines the relationship.

Signs your narcissistic spouse is causing marital problems

Here are some signs a narcissistic partner may be damaging your marriage:

You feel lonely, isolated or depressed in the relationship.

You often feel used or taken advantage of.
Your self-esteem has diminished since marriage.
You feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells.

You apologize often and take the blame for problems.
You have given up interests or friends to avoid your spouse’s anger.
Your spouse belittles your interests, needs, or feelings.

You feel you can never live up to your spouse’s expectations.
Your spouse neglects your needs but expects royal treatment.
You don’t feel emotionally intimate with your spouse.

Your spouse rages or sulks when challenged or criticized.

These types of behaviors create an imbalanced relationship that destroys mutual love and respect over time.

Questions to reflect on

If you are concerned your spouse may be a narcissist, here are some questions to reflect on:

Does your spouse lack empathy and seem oblivious to your feelings?
Do you feel manipulated or exploited in the relationship?
Does your spouse have an exaggerated sense of self-importance?

Do you feel your needs come second to your spouse’s needs?
Does your spouse often fish for compliments?
Does your spouse believe rules or social conventions don’t apply to him/her?

Does your spouse rage or retaliate when challenged, rejected, or criticized?
Do you find yourself constantly apologizing to keep the peace in your marriage?

If you answered yes to many of these questions, it could indicate you are married to someone with narcissistic traits.

Some things to try if you are married to a narcissist

Being married to someone with NPD can be challenging, but there are some things you can try to cope:

Set boundaries and firmly stick to them.
Wait for a calm moment and talk to your spouse about how their behaviors make you feel.

Seek validation from trusted friends rather than your spouse.
Don’t take the narcissistic behaviors personally.
Reflect on your own self-worth.

Attend counseling by yourself if your spouse is unwilling to attend.
Join a support group to realize you are not alone.

While coping tools can help, it may be healthiest in the long run to leave a marriage that is emotionally abusive. But take time to consider what is best for you.

When to seek help

Seeking help from a mental health professional can assist if:

Your spouse’s behaviors are emotionally abusive.
Your self-esteem is suffering due to the marriage.

You need help setting and enforcing healthy boundaries.
Their narcissism causes relationship problems you don’t know how to address.
You feel like you are walking on eggshells and fear triggering outbursts.

You need guidance on how to leave the marriage safely.

A professional can provide objective insight and advice. They can also diagnose whether your spouse meets the criteria for NPD.

Conclusion

Marriages with a narcissistic spouse can be challenging and emotionally taxing. The narcissist’s extreme self-focus often comes at the expense of their partner’s well-being. However, by educating yourself on the signs of narcissism and seeking support, you can take steps to improve your situation. With help, you may be able to establish healthy boundaries, communicate better, or safely end an abusive relationship. Just know you deserve to have your needs fulfilled in a supportive and loving marriage.