Falling for someone can be an exhilarating and confusing experience. When you have intense feelings for another person, it’s not always clear whether you’re truly in love or just obsessed. So how can you tell the difference? Here are some signs that can help you determine if your feelings are rooted in genuine love or unhealthy obsession.
You can’t stop thinking about them
It’s normal when you first fall for someone to think about them all the time. You want to analyze every interaction, play back conversations in your head, and imagine future scenarios together. However, if intrusive thoughts about the person start to take over your life and distract you from normal activities, it could be a red flag for obsession. True love allows room for other interests and responsibilities. With obsession, your whole world starts to revolve around one person.
You need constant contact
When you’re first dating someone, it’s exciting to text back and forth all day and night. But requiring constant communication at all times can verge into obsessive territory. If you get anxious, angry, or depressed when you don’t hear back immediately, you may be going overboard. In a healthy relationship, you trust your partner even when they are out of reach for a period of time. And you can focus on your own hobbies and friendships even when they are unavailable.
Your mood depends on them
It’s normal for your mood to brighten when you spend time with someone you love. But if your entire emotional state completely depends on what’s going on in the relationship, that signals an unhealthy attachment. If you oscillate between walking on air when things are going well and feeling desperate and depressed at any hint of distance or discord, you may be obsessed. In a healthy relationship you retain a baseline emotional stability, so that one person does not have the power to utterly devastate or ecstatically excite you.
You put them on a pedestal
Viewing a love interest as absolutely perfect, flawless, and superior to all others is a clear warning sign of obsession. In healthy relationships you are able to see your partner realistically, acknowledging both their strengths and weaknesses. When you put someone on a pedestal it indicates seeing them more as a fantasy than a whole person. It also means you likely feel “less than” and need to keep winning their approval. Sincere love is based on a foundation of equality, respect, and appreciation of each other’s humanity.
You’re spying or stalking
One of the most concerning signs of obsession is feeling compelled to track or spy on someone without their consent. This could include repeatedly driving by their house, looking through their phone or computer, following them on social media using fake accounts, or showing up uninvited to places they frequent. These types of stalking behaviors are invasive, frightening, and often illegal. They demonstrate a disturbing sense of entitlement to someone else’s personal life. Real love does not seek to control or coerce the object of affection.
You’re willing to lose yourself
When you fall head over heels for someone, it’s easy to lose touch with your own needs and identity. But if you reach a point where you’re willing to sacrifice everything that is important to you in order to be with that person, it’s gone too far. For instance, if you are neglecting close friendships, dropping hobbies that bring you joy, or even abandoning career ambitions, you may be obsessed. In healthy relationships, both people retain a sense of self and purpose outside of their partner. True love enhances your life rather than diminishing it.
There are drastic highs and lows
Obsession tends to manifest in extreme highs of euphoria and giddiness when things are going well, followed by deep lows of rage, emptiness, or despair when there is distance or rejection. If the relationship is like an emotional rollercoaster where your feelings go from one intense polarity to the other, it is likely driven by obsession more than love. A healthy relationship provides feelings of security, comfort, support and inner peace. There is mental balance rooted in trust.
You only focus on the positive
When you are obsessed with someone, you often see them through rose-colored glasses. You gloss over their faults and ignore any red flags about their behavior or values. You tell yourself you are meant to be together regardless of any practical obstacles or fundamental incompatibilities. On the other hand, truly loving someone means seeing them clearly, flaws and all. You notice the full person, including imperfections, and accept them for who they are. Love does not require turning a blind eye.
You feel owned or entitled
In extreme cases, obsessive love can make people feel as though they own the object of their affection. They may believe their target is destined to be with them, regardless of whether it is in that person’s interest or will. An obsessive suitor can employ manipulation, aggression or other troubling means in their quest to possess someone. But true love recognizes that no one belongs to you. The person you care about is free to make their own choices about the relationship, even if it hurts. Love requires respecting their autonomy.
You can’t be apart
While it’s enjoyable to spend lots of time together in the first throes of romance, needing to be virtually inseparable is a warning sign for obsession. If you genuinely cannot stand to be apart from someone for even brief periods of time, you may be confusing obsession with love. It is unhealthy and unrealistic to rely entirely on one person for all your social, emotional and physical needs. Stable long-term relationships require room to breathe.
Your plans depend entirely on them
When you are obsessed, your life plans start revolving entirely around the other person. For example, maybe you decide they are your “soulmate” and the person you’ll marry after a few dates – without even discussing if marriage is on their radar yet. Or you desperately transfer to a college or take a job in their city without knowing if the relationship will last. Making huge life decisions based solely on being with someone is a sign you are not thinking clearly or rationally.
You only see the fantasy
Obsession tends to fixate on an idealized version of who you want your romantic interest to be, rather than who they really are. You project fantasies onto them, such as imagining your perfect wedding day together before you’ve even defined the relationship. When reality intervenes with the fantasy, it leads to disappointment. That disappointment can turn to inappropriate anger or entitlement. Love requires seeing a romantic partner accurately.
Conclusion
Falling for someone is a powerful experience. When it leads to true love, it enhances our lives. But when strong feelings spiral into obsession, it causes pain and instability. The differences between healthy and unhealthy bonds are sometimes subtle. But an honest self-assessment can help reveal whether you’ve crossed over into obsessive territory. The most important question is whether your affection for this person stemmed from a sincere connection, or from an internal void you are attempting to fill. If your intentions are pure, then nurture it and allow love to blossom at its own pace.
Tips for dealing with obsessive love
If you recognize that you have become obsessed rather than truly loving someone, there are ways to deal with it constructively:
- Seek professional help to understand the root causes driving the obsession, whether it be self-esteem issues, unresolved trauma, mental health challenges like OCD, or something else.
- Remove yourself physically from temptation by avoiding contact with the person until you regain equilibrium. This may mean unfollowing them on social media, not frequenting places they go, ceasing communication for a period of time.
- Build a support system by surrounding yourself with trusted friends and family who can provide reality checks.
- Channel obsessive impulses into healthy new activities such as exercise, hobbies, or community service.
- Keep a journal to gain insight into your thought patterns and feelings. Writing can help you process them in a therapeutic way.
- Be compassionate with yourself but also challenging. Recognize that obsession is causing harm, and you have the power to move forward in a healthy manner.
With patience and dedication, you can break the cycle of obsessive love. You may still care deeply about this person. But you can come to see them, and yourself, more clearly. In the end, they are responsible for their choices, and you for yours. Rather than losing yourself in someone else, you can regain balance. And with that equilibrium comes the capacity for real intimacy.
Signs of healthy love
In contrast to the signs of obsession, here are indicators that your feelings are rooted in sincere and healthy love:
You support each other’s growth
Rather than needing to be together constantly, you encourage each other’s independent pursuits and friendships. You want what’s best for them, even if it means time apart.
You are equals
You see each other realistically, without putting anyone on a pedestal. You take care of the relationship together, as true partners.
You feel at peace
When you are with this person you feel an inner sense of comfort, calm, and contentment. The relationship does not provoke anxiety, mood swings, or obsessive thinking.
You laugh together
You genuinely enjoy each other’s company and share a playful, fun-loving vibe. Your Partner helps you smile more.
You accept imperfections
You recognize your partner is not perfect, and they accept the same about you. You don’t expect either of you to be flawless or meet unrealistic expectations.
You share core values
You have ethical compatibility, similar worldviews and life philosophies. You see the big picture in a similar way.
You can communicate openly
You discuss feelings and issues openly, honestly and calmly. Even when you disagree, you treat each other with respect.
You trust each other
You feel secure and comfortable in the relationship. You don’t worry about wavering affections or betrayal when apart.
You have room to breathe
While you enjoy spending time together, you retain independence and personal identity outside the relationship. You don’t need to be attached at the hip.
You want the best for them
You care deeply about their well-being, growth, and fulfillment – even beyond the scope of your life together. Their long-term happiness matters to you.
You accept life’s changes
While the future is uncertain, you are committed to cherishing each moment together in the present. You take life one day at a time.
Key Differences Between Love and Obsession
Here is a table summarizing some of the main differences between healthy love and unhealthy obsession:
| Love | Obsession |
|---|---|
| Sees whole person, flaws included | Puts person on a pedestal |
| Values their needs and desires | Feels entitled to them |
| Patient and trusting | Impatient and jealous |
| Empowers partner | Tries to control partner |
| Relaxed and content | Anxious and volatile |
| Values boundaries | Disregards boundaries |
| Supports their interests | Demands constant attention |
| Companionship | Codependence |
| Stability | Extremes |
| Equal partnership | Desperation |
When to seek help
In milder cases, becoming aware of the difference between obsession and love may be enough for someone to snap out of obsessive patterns and refocus on personal growth. But in some situations, professional help is warranted:
- If obsession leads to dangerous or illegal stalking behaviors
- If it provokes severe depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts
- If someone cannot function normally in school, work or relationships
- If it continues despite negative consequences to health, well-being or personal freedom
- If it stems from an underlying psychiatric disorder like clinical OCD, mania, or substance abuse
- If someone lacks self-awareness about their unhealthy fixation and its destructiveness
- If detachment from the obsession seems impossible without intervention
Some of the professionals that can provide help for obsessive love or stalking behaviors include:
- Psychologists or counselors – can help gain insight, develop coping strategies, and address underlying issues fueling the obsession
- Psychiatrists – can diagnose if a clinical disorder is present and prescribe medications if needed
- Life Coaches – can create targeted action plans for finding purpose and fulfillment beyond the obsession
- Support groups – connecting with others struggling with similar issues reduces isolation and provides community
- Law enforcement – may need to get involved in cases of stalking or criminal harassment
With compassionate support and determination, even the deepest obsessions can be overcome in favor of forging healthy relationships. The first step is acknowledging when ordinary affection has gone awry. Once the distinction between love and obsession is clear, it is possible to let go of unhealthy attachments and work towards authentic connection.