People pleasing is the tendency to prioritize the needs and desires of others over one’s own. It often involves suppressing one’s true feelings, opinions, and desires to gain the validation and approval of others. This pattern of behavior can lead to resentment over time.
What is people pleasing?
People pleasing typically stems from a desire to be liked, loved, and accepted. Pleasers often:
- Say “yes” when they want to say “no”
- Go along with others’ suggestions and plans even if they’re inconvenient
- Avoid expressing their true feelings or needs to avoid conflict or disappointing others
- Apologize and take responsibility for things that aren’t their fault
- Try very hard to meet the perceived expectations of others
People pleasing tendencies often originate in childhood as a survival mechanism. As children, gaining the validation and approval of caregivers is critical for getting our basic needs met. This pattern can persist into adulthood.
How people pleasing breeds resentment
Always putting others first and suppressing one’s own needs and preferences may lead to feelings of anger, bitterness, and resentment over time. Here’s how:
Unmet needs
When pleasers regularly neglect their own wants and well-being to please others, their own needs often go unmet. This can build up intense feelings of frustration, sadness, loneliness, and resentment – towards both themselves and others.
Lack of reciprocity
People pleasers will go out of their way for others, but often receive little in return. The imbalance of giving more than receiving in relationships generates resentment.
Loss of autonomy
Always capitulating to others’ desires can lead pleasers to lose touch with their own preferences. This loss of autonomy and sense of self further feeds resentment.
Lack of assertiveness
Burying one’s true thoughts and feelings robs pleasers of the ability to assert themselves. Stuffing down the need to say “no” breeds anger and bitterness.
Feeling invisible
When others get used to a people pleaser’s compliance, they may stop considering their actual needs and desires. This dismissal leads the pleaser to feel invisible, engendering great resentment.
Feeling manipulated or used
Some individuals recognize and take advantage of people pleasers’ difficulty saying “no.” Being unable to set healthy boundaries leaves pleasers vulnerable to manipulation – further stoking resentment.
Unrewarding relationships
One-sided relationships where the people pleaser gives excessively while their needs go unmet are ultimately dissatisfying. The accompanying feelings of being unappreciated generate resentment.
How resentment manifests for people pleasers
This brewing resentment may reveal itself both internally and through behavior changes:
- Cynical or pessimistic attitude
- Envy and jealousy towards those who can say “no”
- Frequent irritation and anger
- Passive-aggressiveness
- Withdrawing from others
- Lashing out at loved ones
- Self-loathing
- Depression or anxiety
- Resentment turning inward as self-blame
The risks of unaddressed resentment
If feelings of resentment remain unexamined and suppressed, people pleasers face numerous psychological risks including:
- Damaged self-esteem
- Loss of identity
- Inability to connect in authentic relationships
- Bottling up emotions until one explodes
- Holding grudges and bitterness
- Increased anxiety or depression
- Physical illness from chronic stress
Unchecked resentment can breed destructive thoughts and behaviors that sabotage careers, relationships and overall well-being.
Breaking the cycle of resentment
If not acknowledged and addressed, the resentment caused by chronic people pleasing becomes a vicious cycle. Here are some ways for people pleasers to break free of this destructive pattern:
Examine the roots
Explore where the need to please others at your own expense comes from. Was it necessary for survival at some point? How is it no longer serving you?
Set boundaries
Start expressing your real needs and wants. Learn to say no to requests that overstep your boundaries. Be willing to disappoint people.
Manage expectations
Clarify your priorities and limitations with others. Be upfront when their expectations exceed what you can reasonably give.
Speak up
Don’t let grievances build up. Voice your resentment early in a constructive manner before it spirals.
Assert yourself
Stand up for yourself as an equal. Don’t automatically surrender your preferences to others.
Take space
Spend time alone focusing inward on your feelings and needs instead of outward on others.
Receive support
Ask loved ones for support and understanding as you work through feelings of anger and hurt.
Know your worth
Remember your inherent value as a human being. Don’t base your self-worth on pleasing others.
Practice self-care
Make your needs a priority. Engage in regular activities that nourish you like exercise, hobbies, relaxation, and time with supportive friends.
Get professional help
Enlist the guidance of a therapist if feelings of resentment persist and continue impacting your mental health and relationships.
The benefits of addressing resentment
Exploring and expressing resentment in healthy ways can lead people pleasers to:
- Develop self-confidence
- Discover their authentic selves
- Establish mutual, fulfilling relationships
- Release bottled up emotions
- Set healthy boundaries
- Gain the freedom to say no
- Uncover and pursue their true desires
Conclusion
A lifetime of suppressing one’s own needs and preferences to please others frequently culminates in intense resentment. This bitterness stems from unfulfilled needs, imbalance in relationships, loss of self, and more. If not addressed, the resentment can fester, undermining mental health and relationships. But by exploring the root causes, expressing oneself, and making self-care a priority, people pleasers can break free of resentment and create authentic, balanced connections.