What is BPD?
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a condition characterized by difficulties regulating emotions and instability in relationships, self-image, and behavior. People with BPD often engage in impulsive and risky behavior such as substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating, and unprotected sex. They also have intense and unstable relationships.
Some key symptoms of BPD include:
- Frequent mood swings
- Explosive anger or feeling misunderstood
- Chronic feelings of emptiness
- Fear of abandonment
- Unstable sense of self
BPD affects about 1.6% of adults in the United States. It is more common in women, with about 75% of people diagnosed with BPD being female. The average age of onset is in the late teens to mid 20s.
Do people with BPD rush into relationships?
Yes, people with BPD do tend to rush into relationships more quickly than those without the disorder. This is for a few key reasons:
Fear of abandonment
One of the hallmark symptoms of BPD is an intense fear of abandonment. People with BPD become very attached very quickly in relationships. They desperately want intimacy, comfort, and security from their partner. This leads them to come on very strong early on in dating. They may confess undying love after only a few dates or feel like they can’t live without their new partner.
Black and white thinking
People with BPD tend to see things in extremes, with very black and white thinking. When they start dating someone new, they immediately see that person as their perfect soulmate and the relationship feels magical. The other person seems absolutely ideal at first. This overly idealized view makes them want to get serious right away before the magic ends.
Impulsivity
Impulsivity and reckless behavior are common with BPD. This applies to relationships too. People with BPD can be impulsive when it comes to intimacy, like jumping into bed before really knowing the person. They may also make big relationship steps like moving in together very quickly. Their impulsivity overrides more cautious steps to see if the relationship is a good fit before going all in.
Unstable self-image
Those with BPD often have a fragile and wavering sense of self. They lack a strong sense of who they are. A new relationship makes them feel valued, loved, and confident – like it defines them. Rushing into the relationship becomes a way to cling to that desired sense of identity and self-worth.
Oversensitivity
People with BPD are often extremely sensitive. Small perceived slights can feel like major personal attacks. When dating someone new, the tiniest things feel like deep intimacy and a sign the person understands them. They believe they have found someone who “gets” them, so they desperately attach to the person to keep that feeling.
How soon is too soon for people with BPD?
There are no definitive timelines dictating when it is too soon for people with BPD to progress in a relationship. The rate that is best varies by the individuals involved and their specific circumstances.
However, some general guidelines from experts include:
- Waiting at least 3 months before becoming exclusive with commitment
- No talk of marriage before 9 months to 1 year of dating
- Living together should happen only after 1 year or more together
- Meeting each other’s families within the first 6 months is often too soon
While tempting and exciting, experts caution against excessive quick relationship progression like:
- Saying “I love you” before 1 month of dating
- Moving in before 6 months of commitment
- Proposals before 1 year
- Making big joint purchases soon after meeting
- Getting matching tattoos during the honeymoon phase
The ideal pace is slow enough to allow each person to demonstrate reliability, trust, commitment, and truly get to know each other. This provides some protection against painful abandonment if the other person proves untrustworthy or incompatible.
Why is taking it slow important?
It’s important for people with BPD to pace their relationships slowly because:
- It takes time to truly get to know someone’s character.
- Rushing often leads to missing or overlooking red flags.
- Fast emotional/physical intimacy can cloud judgment.
- The early honeymoon phase will fade – the bond must go deeper.
- Impulsive choices can lead to pain, regret.
- Slow development allows feelings to deepen gradually.
- Each person needs space to keep perspective.
- Goes against fears of engulfment/loss of identity.
The more time that passes, the more realistic the view of the partner and relationship becomes. Slowing down counters the skewed, idealized perceptions common with BPD when dating. It allows both people to retain a sense of self.
Tips for people with BPD to pace relationships
It can be challenging to combat intense BPD urges to rush into romance. Some strategies that can help include:
Get to know yourself first
Focus on your own growth, interests, and identity outside of relationships. Build up your sense of self-worth.
Notice red flags
Don’t ignore or make excuses for questionable behaviors or signs of instability in partners. Watch for patterns.
Establish boundaries
Set clear limits on what you will and won’t accept in treatment from others. Don’t compromise standards/values.
Manage triggers
Find healthy ways to cope with emotions like loneliness, emptiness, or abandonment fears. Address triggers directly with a therapist.
Talk it out
Verbally explain your BPD and relationship style to partners. Discuss a reasonable pace. Keep communicating.
Take space
Make regular time apart from each other a priority, even when you don’t want to. Foster outside interests.
Don’t make exceptions
Stick to timelines you set. Don’t change the rules or make excuses to jump ahead.
Get support
Share your struggles with a trusted friend. Ask them to check any irrational thoughts about relationships.
Practice mindfulness
Stay present oriented when getting to know someone. Don’t obsess or catastrophize about the future.
Keep busy
Fill your schedule with positive hobbies, activities, and platonic social connections.
Avoid alcohol/drugs
Reduce or abstain from substance use that lowers inhibitions and self-control around relationships.
Try therapy techniques
Use strategies from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), positive psychology, and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to develop relationship skills.
Are rushed relationships doomed to fail for people with BPD?
No, rushed relationships are not necessarily doomed for those with BPD. With work, effort, and commitment from both partners, it is possible to develop a healthy long-term relationship even if things moved quickly at first.
However, research does suggest taking it slow generally leads to better outcomes. One study found that how long you know someone before committing is linked to marriage satisfaction and stability:
| Commitment point | % satisfied with marriage | % still married after 7 years |
|---|---|---|
| Married after less than 6 months of dating | 48% | 33% |
| Married after 2 years of dating | 71% | 70% |
While difficult, if both partners actively work to:
- Improve communication skills
- Develop more trust
- Deal with issues directly
- Regulate emotional reactions
Rushed relationships can become healthy. But taking the time upfront to build a solid foundation is wise.
Tips to improve a rushed BPD relationship:
- Acknowledge regrets transparently
- Reset the timeline, start over
- Attend therapy together
- Discuss triggers openly
- Respect each other’s space
- Don’t make impulsive decisions
- Focus on friendship first
- Let go of judgements
- Listen without defensiveness
- Validate each other’s feelings
With mutual compassion, patience, hard work, and professional help, rushed BPD relationships can still become healthy, stable bonds over time. The key is slowing down and taking it one day at a time.
Conclusion
In summary, people with BPD do commonly rush into relationships too quickly due to their emotional sensitivity, impulsivity, abandonment issues, and unstable self-image. Relationship milestones that may take typical couples 6 months to 2 years can happen in just weeks or months for those with BPD. However, while challenging, pacing relationships slowly is not impossible with mindfulness, communication skills, and therapeutic support. Rushed relationships are not necessarily doomed to fail if both partners commit to creating a healthy foundation. Taking it slow and steady provides the greatest odds for long-term relationship success and satisfaction for people with BPD.