Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a complex mental health condition characterized by difficulties with emotion regulation, unstable relationships, and impulsivity. People with BPD often experience intense emotions and can struggle to cope when relationships end. This leads some to believe that those with BPD tend to “move on” from relationships quickly. However, the reality is more nuanced.
What is BPD?
Borderline personality disorder is a condition marked by intense emotions, impulsive behavior, and unstable interpersonal relationships. Some key symptoms include:
- Intense fear of abandonment, real or imagined
- Unstable self-image and sense of self
- Impulsivity and risk-taking behavior
- Intense anger and difficulty controlling anger
- Chronic feelings of emptiness
- Self-harming behaviors
- Intense and highly changeable moods
- Black-and-white thinking
- Problems with interpersonal relationships
People with BPD often have trouble regulating their emotions. They may feel emotions intensely yet have difficulty identifying exactly what they’re feeling. Their emotions tend to change rapidly and seemingly without reason. Intense joy can quickly turn to anger or sadness, for example. This emotional instability causes problems in relationships.
Do people with BPD move on quickly after a breakup?
There is a commonly held belief that people with BPD tend to “move on” rapidly after the end of a romantic relationship. However, this is an oversimplification. The reality is more complex.
On one hand, some behaviors may make it seem as if people with BPD move on quickly. For example:
- Impulsivity – Impulsive behaviors like jumping into a new relationship or rebounds may give the appearance of moving on fast.
- Numbing behaviors – Those with BPD may try to numb painful emotions after a breakup with things like substance abuse.
- Acting out – Some people with BPD react to painful emotions by acting recklessly or self-destructively. This may look like moving on.
On the other hand, those with BPD often experience breakups as intensely painful and struggle to cope:
- Fear of abandonment – People with BPD have an intense fear of abandonment. Breakups can feel earth-shattering.
- Emotional reactivity – The emotional sensitivity of BPD means relationships ending can feel overwhelming.
- Difficulty regulating emotions – Without healthy coping skills, breakups may throw them into chaos.
- Black-and-white thinking – They may view ex-partners as all good or all bad, toggling rapidly between love and hate.
How people with BPD cope with breakups
In reality, after a breakup people with BPD often struggle to manage their emotional pain. Some ways they may try to cope include:
- Acting out – Using behaviors like binge drinking, drug use, reckless sex, or self-harm to deal with the pain.
- Relying on new relationships – Jumping into a new relationship quickly to ease feelings of abandonment.
- Excessive contact – Trying to remain in contact with the ex, including stalking or harassment.
- Anger and blaming – Managing sadness by turning pain into anger and blaming the ex.
- Learning healthy coping skills – With therapy, some people with BPD can learn skills to healthily self-soothe after a breakup.
In many cases, the pain of the breakup remains raw and intense for someone with BPD. Their attempts to cope may backfire or make the situation worse. Intense emotions combined with impulsivity mean the period after a breakup can be turbulent.
The attachment style of people with BPD
One reason people with BPD struggle after breakups is due to their attachment style. Attachment style describes how people form bonds with others. Those with BPD tend to have an insecure anxious/preoccupied attachment style. Key features include:
- Intense worry about abandonment
- Difficulty trusting others
- Unstable sense of self
- Idealizing romantic partners
- Needing excessive reassurance from partners
This intense attachment anxiety leaves them especially vulnerable after a breakup. They may “move on” quickly in search of a new attachment figure due to abandonment fears. But underneath they are likely still struggling.
The grief and recovery process
In many ways, recovering from a breakup is similar to the grief process. People with BPD may cycle rapidly between different emotional stages like denial, anger, and acceptance. Some key points about the recovery process include:
- Intense initial reaction – They are likely to react in extreme ways at first. This may include desperate attempts to get the partner back or erratic lashing out.
- Rollercoaster emotions – Their feelings may shift rapidly from sadness to relief to anger and back again. Moving on is unlikely to be linear.
- Difficulty letting go – Even after an initial intense reaction, they may struggle to stop contacting the ex or fantasizing about reconciliation.
- Prolonged recovery – Due to the intensity of their emotional attachments, it likely takes people with BPD longer to fully process and recover from a breakup.
Instead of quickly moving through grief, they are more prone to getting “stuck” in certain stages. Their recovery process is typically more rollercoaster-like rather than linear.
Factors influencing how people with BPD move on
There are a variety of factors that influence how a person with BPD is likely to cope after a breakup. These include:
- Who initiated the breakup – Breakups initiated by their partner may be especially traumatic for fears of abandonment.
- Availability of support – Strong social support helps with healthy coping versus isolation.
- History of relationships – Those with a trauma history may react worse to breakups.
- Presence of other mental health issues – Co-occurring disorders like depression or PTSD influence outcomes.
- Access to treatment – Ongoing psychotherapy helps people develop healthy coping mechanisms.
- Self-awareness – Insight into their own BPD behaviors promotes healing.
Can people with BPD move on healthily?
With effective treatment, people with BPD can learn to cope with breakups in healthier ways and eventually move on. Some positive steps include:
- Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) – DBT is the gold-standard therapy for BPD. It teaches distress tolerance and emotional regulation skills.
- Processing the breakup – Taking time to grieve the loss and make sense of what happened can bring closure.
- Focusing on self-soothing – Rather than acting out, learning to self-soothe through activities like journaling, exercise, time with friends, etc.
- Establishing boundaries – Setting clear limits with the ex and mutual connections helps prevent prolonged clinging.
- Being mindful – Staying present focused instead of ruminating on the past or fantasizing about the future.
While the intensity of BPD makes breakups extra challenging, healing is certainly possible. With professional help developing healthy coping skills, those with BPD can come through the other side and eventually move on in a healthy way.
How long it takes to move on with BPD
There is no set timeline for when someone with BPD will be able to move on completely after a breakup. The length of recovery depends on many individual factors. However, some general timelines include:
- 1-3 months – Getting past the initial intense and chaotic grieving period.
- 6 months – Processing the bulk of feelings and adjusting to life post-breakup.
- 9-12 months – Regaining a sense of identity not tied to the lost partner.
- 1-2 years – Fully moving on and re-establishing stability in life.
Those with strong social support, treatment access, and good self-awareness may heal on the faster end of this timeline. Those lacking resources or with additional complicating factors may take longer to fully process the breakup.
The important thing is not the exact timeframe, but the progress made. With help, those with BPD can develop mindfulness about the process and come through it in a healthier place.
Tips for coping with breakups when you have BPD
Here are some tips that can help when recovering from a breakup with BPD:
- Get professional support through therapy focused on BPD and relationships.
- Avoid behaviors that provide only temporary relief like substance abuse.
- Identify triggers and warning signs that make you emotionally escalate.
- Develop a plan for when you identify triggers, like self-soothing activities.
- Practice radical acceptance of the reality of the breakup.
- Establish strong boundaries with the ex like going no contact.
- Fill your time nourishing your physical, mental, and social health.
- Find ways to express your feelings like journaling or art.
- Don’t rush into a rebound relationship just to cope with feelings.
- Remember your worth comes from within, not another person.
When to seek professional help
It’s important to seek professional help if you or a loved one are really struggling to cope with a breakup. Signs it may be time to get support include:
- Inability to function at work/school from emotional distress
- Engaging in self-harm behaviors like cutting
- Thoughts of suicide
- Stalking or harassing your ex
- Drug or alcohol abuse
- Being violent or destructive
- Sinking into severe depression or anxiety
- Withdrawing from family/friends
A therapist can provide tools to help manage BPD symptoms during this turbulent time. They can also monitor risky behaviors and help develop healthy coping strategies. For some, medications may help stabilize intense emotions or treat co-occurring conditions like depression.
Supporting a loved one with BPD after a breakup
If you have a loved one with BPD going through a breakup, there are ways you can support them. Here are some dos and don’ts:
Do:
- Listen without judgment
- Validate their feelings
- Gently suggest therapy if needed
- Provide distractions like outings when they’re spiraling
- Set healthy boundaries if they are contacting their ex excessively
- Offer to attend a therapy session for tips on how to help
Don’t:
- Blame or criticize them
- Glorify or put down their ex
- Gossip about the details of the breakup
- Allow abusive or excessive contact with ex
- Enable dangerous coping behaviors
- Give simple fixes like “just move on”
The key is providing caring support and encouraging professional help as needed during this challenging transition.
Conclusion
In summary, the notion that people with BPD rapidly “move on” after breakups is overly simplistic. The reality is they often struggle deeply to cope with the loss for long periods due to the intensity of their emotional attachments. However, those with BPD can heal with time and treatment. Developing healthy coping skills and a strong support system enables eventually moving on in a positive way. Patience, self-compassion, and professional help facilitates recovery after a painful breakup for those with BPD.