People pleasers, also known as approval seekers, are individuals who go out of their way to avoid conflict and ensure that the people around them are happy. This often involves putting other people’s needs and preferences before their own in order to gain acceptance and validation. But does this tendency mean that people pleasers inherently avoid confrontation at all costs?
What is a people pleaser?
A people pleaser is someone who continually puts other people’s needs and desires before their own in order to gain external validation. Their actions are motivated by an excessive need for approval and appreciation from others. People pleasers have an intense fear of disappointing others and upsetting the social order. As a result, they often struggle with setting healthy boundaries and asserting their own wants and needs.
Common signs that someone is a people pleaser include:
- Having difficulty saying “no” to requests
- Going out of their way and making excessive sacrifices to satisfy or help others
- Suppressing their own emotions and opinions to avoid conflict or tension
- Apologizing excessively even when they have no need to
- Downplaying their own talents or needs so they don’t seem self-serving
- Making themselves emotionally or physically available at any time others need them
People pleasers base much of their self-esteem and identity around meeting other people’s perceived expectations. Their fear of disappointing others and sense of obligation to put others first leads to compulsive caretaking, self-neglect, and repression of their true feelings.
Do people pleasers avoid confrontation?
In many cases, yes – people pleasers actively avoid confrontation whenever possible. There are several key reasons for this:
- Fear of conflict: People pleasers dread tension, arguments, or rocking the boat socially. Confronting others risks stirring up interpersonal conflict, which people pleasers fear intolerably.
- Fear of disapproval: People pleasers depend heavily on getting validation and appreciation from others. Confronting someone risks provoking their anger or disapproval, which would be devastating.
- Guilt and shame: Many people pleasers experience irrational guilt and shame when standing up for themselves. They mistakenly equate confrontation with being hurtful or selfish.
- Lack of boundaries: People pleasers often lack a strong sense of identity and personal rights. This makes it extremely difficult for them to recognize when confrontation may be justified or necessary.
As a result of these core fears, people pleasers are prone to avoidance, deference, passive aggression, or even lying to dodge potential confrontation. They have a very high threshold for what they will tolerate before speaking up assertively – if they ever do.
How do people pleasers avoid confrontation?
There are many different avoidance strategies people pleasers may use to steer clear of confrontation, conflict, or expressing their authentic needs and opinions to others. These include:
- Agreeing quickly: People pleasers may reflexively agree with others’ suggestions to bypass any debate or argument.
- Making excuses: They may make up white lies or excuses to get out of expressing disagreement or dissatisfaction.
- Ignoring issues: People pleasers may pretend not to notice issues or concerns to avoid having to confront them.
- Delaying responding: When confronted, people pleasers may hem and haw or say they need time to think rather than address the issue promptly.
- Ghosting: They may avoid someone who confronts them or brings out conflicted feelings by cutting off contact.
- Self-silencing: They may minimize their own preferences or feelings around others to avoid any chance of confrontation arising.
- Changing the subject: When others raise a confrontational topic, people pleasers may swiftly divert the conversation elsewhere.
- Keeping the peace: They may actively prevent disagreements between others from escalating further to avoid overall social conflict.
When might a people pleaser confront someone?
Though generally conflict avoidant, there are certain situations and conditions where a people pleaser may be pushed to confront someone, including:
- If someone close to them, like a family member or friend, is being harmed
- If an issue directly and seriously impacts their personal rights, values, or boundaries
- If failing to confront someone would cause significant, irreparable damage
- If they have strong, principled objections to a person’s actions
- If unexpressed anger and resentment has built up extensively over time
- If the need for approval is outweighed by the perceived need to confront
- If they feel externally compelled or forced to confront by circumstances
- If they have role obligations that require confrontation, like being a manager
Even when driven to confront over such issues, people pleasers often feel extreme discomfort and anxiety about doing so. They may spend a great deal of time trying to find the “right” words, tone, and approach to minimize any strife or disapproval from the other party.
Can people pleasers become more confrontational?
Yes, with consistent effort, people pleasers can become better able to confront when needed. Some key tips include:
- Acknowledging that everyone has rights, needs, and boundaries deserving of respect
- Understanding that healthy relationships require honesty, not just avoidance of disagreement
- Learning to distinguish niceness from being overly deferential and conflict avoidant
- Building a stronger sense of self-confidence and self-efficacy
- Working through guilt and stand up for oneself more
- Role-playing and practicing confronting others in small, low-risk situations
- Cognitive restructuring around thoughts like “confrontation is always bad”
- Seeking professional help via counseling or assertiveness training workshops
With practice, people pleasers can get more comfortable engaging in constructive confrontation when warranted. However, it often requires challenging deeply ingrained tendencies and mindsets.
Do all people pleasers avoid confrontation?
No, not all people pleasers universally avoid or fear confrontation. There can be differences based on factors like:
- Severity of people pleasing tendencies: Milder people pleasers may be willing to confront more than those with intense approval seeking compulsions.
- Self-esteem and assertiveness skills: People pleasers with more confidence and communication skills may find confrontation less intimidating.
- Social contexts: People pleasers may confront more around family than strangers.
- Communication styles: Some people pleasers may take passive aggressive or manipulative approaches to confrontation.
- Temperament: People pleasers prone to anxiety or explosiveness may struggle more with confrontation.
- Gender roles: Cultural gender norms around niceness and deference may influence confrontation avoidance.
Additionally, the specific relationship and circumstances can make some people pleasers more willing to confront particular individuals in particular situations, despite their general evasiveness.
What are the effects of avoiding confrontation?
While avoiding confrontation may seem easier in the moment, this approach can lead to a number of adverse personal and interpersonal consequences for people pleasers, including:
- Unmet needs and simmering resentment from lack of self-expression
- Loss of self-respect and confidence in standing up for oneself
- Exploitation or mistreatment by others who realize they won’t confront issues
- Anxiety from unresolved interpersonal problems and buried feelings
- Enabling destructive or harmful behavior by not confronting it
- Damaged relationships as authenticity and honesty are avoided
- Increased loneliness and social isolation over time
- Worsening depression or physical health problems linked to chronic stress
Research on confrontation avoidance and interpersonal functioning confirms that the inability to confront leads to poorer psychological health, relationships, and life outcomes over time.
Psychological effects
Some common psychological effects of confrontation avoidance include:
- Self-esteem issues from lack of self-respect and assertion
- Heightened stress and anxiety around conflict situations
- Resentment and anger from uncommunicated grievances
- Increased depression due to repressed needs and feelings
- Distrust, fear, or hostility towards others who may harm or exploit
- event, agoraphobia due to mistrust of handling conflict away from home
Interpersonal effects
Some common interpersonal effects of confrontation avoidance include:
- poorer friendships and family relationships
- social anxiety and withdrawal
- distrust, resentment, and isolation in relationships
- detachment and estrangement from uncommunicated issues
- enabling destructive behavior by not confronting it
- perception of being a pushover, target for exploitation
Health effects
Some common health effects linked to confrontation avoidance include:
- chronic stress from unresolved problems
- weakened immune system function
- insomnia
- headaches
- gastrointestinal issues
- high blood pressure
- fatigue and low energy
Letting conflicts and issues build up without outlet or resolution can place considerable physical strain on the body over time due to the health impacts of high cortisol and chronic anxiety.
Conclusion
In summary, many people pleasers actively avoid confrontation whenever possible due to a deep fear of interpersonal tension, disapproval, or consequences. However, while avoiding confrontation may seem easier in the short-term, this approach leads to significant psychological, social, and physical costs over time if crucial issues remain unaddressed. With therapeutic support and concerted practice, people pleasers can learn to engage in healthy, constructive confrontation when needed while upholding their core values of compassion and harmony.