What is a narcissist?
A narcissist is someone who has an inflated sense of self-importance and lacks empathy for others. They tend to be very self-centered and demand constant attention and admiration. They often take advantage of others for personal gain. Some key characteristics of narcissists include:
- An exaggerated sense of self-importance
- A constant need for attention and praise
- An inability to recognize the needs/feelings of others
- Arrogance and a sense of entitlement
- Envy of others and belief that others envy them
- Exploitative behavior towards others
Narcissism exists on a spectrum, with narcissistic personality disorder at the extreme end. Not all narcissists have a personality disorder, but they do tend to struggle with maintaining healthy relationships due to their self-centered attitudes and behaviors.
Do narcissists apologize?
Narcissists generally avoid apologizing or admitting fault. There are a few key reasons for this:
- Admitting wrongdoing conflicts with their exaggerated sense of self. Narcissists think very highly of themselves and admitting imperfection does not mesh with their self-image.
- Apologizing means placing themselves in a one-down position relative to the person they’ve wronged. Narcissists always seek to dominate and control.
- Taking responsibility for hurting someone requires empathy. Narcissists struggle with understanding others’ perspectives or feelings.
- Their sense of entitlement leads them to avoid accountability when they exploit or manipulate people.
So in summary, genuine apologies are rare from narcissists because their core traits center around self-importance, lack of empathy, and avoiding vulnerability. Apologizing contradicts their very nature.
When do narcissists apologize?
Narcissists may offer apologies in some cases, but they tend to be empty gestures or mimicries of what they think a real apology should look like. Here are some examples of when a narcissist might apologize:
- When their image has been threatened – For example, if they fear others see them negatively, they may offer an apology to save face.
- As a way to return to a position of power – After abusive behavior, they may apologize and promise change to manipulate their victim into staying in the relationship.
- When their needs aren’t being met – They may apologize as a tool to get someone to continue providing them with attention, praise, or resources.
- To maintain control over someone – An apology may be strategically used to keep someone bonded to them.
- To get out of trouble – They will often apologize out of convenience rather than remorse when facing consequences.
The motivations behind these apologies tend to be self-serving rather than showing genuine remorse or empathy. Narcissists may know what to say in an apology, but they rarely mean it sincerely.
| Genuine Apology | Narcissistic Apology |
|---|---|
| Accepts full responsibility | Minimizes, makes excuses, or blames others |
| Shows empathy for the hurt caused | Centers on self, lacks remorse |
| Offers to make amends | Superficial and/or temporary change |
| Respects if person needs space | Pressures for reconciliation |
This table summarizes key differences between a heartfelt, accountable apology and one delivered insincerely by a narcissist.
How can you tell if their apology is genuine?
It can be challenging to discern whether a narcissist’s apology is authentic or manipulative. Here are some ways to try to gauge the sincerity of a narcissist’s apology:
- Look for change over time – An apology should be supported by improved behavior over the long term. Empty apologies are often followed by a return to old patterns.
- Watch for accountability – Do they take full responsibility without excuses or deflecting blame? Minimizing fault undermines sincerity.
- Assess their tone – Genuine remorse has a somber, humble tone versus sounding arrogant, insincere, or forced.
- Notice if they center themselves – Real apologies focus on the hurt caused to you, not their own guilt or desires.
- Consider their motivations – Apologies driven by self-interest are less credible than those motivated by empathy.
While these signs may help discern sincerity, it’s wise to be cautious given a narcissist’s manipulative tendencies. Pay more attention to long term actions over empty words or promises.
What if they never apologize?
It’s preferable, yet sadly uncommon, for narcissists to recognize their hurtful patterns and apologize sincerely. However, most narcissists will not acknowledge faults or validate others’ feelings at their expense.
If you’re hoping a narcissist will apologize for past wounds they have inflicted, it may be in your best interests to:
- Accept their limitations for growth and remorse.
- Give up any expectations that they will recognize how they’ve harmed you.
- Stop looking to them for validation, empathy, or closure.
- Focus on your own healing journey separately from them.
- Surround yourself with people who do treat you with care and respect.
Letting go of the need for a narcissist’s apology can be an empowering, if painful, way to move forward. Their inability to apologize says much more about them than it ever says about your worth.
Healthy responses when dealing with a narcissist
Interacting with a narcissist who refuses to apologize for their actions can be challenging. Here are some tips for responding in a healthy way:
- Avoid getting sucked into arguments trying to explain their impact – they likely won’t recognize it.
- Don’t expect them to validate your feelings or needs.
- Let them experience the natural consequences of their actions when possible.
- Set clear boundaries around what behaviors you will and won’t accept.
- Watch out for gaslighting or shifting blame onto you – remember reality.
- Speak your truth calmly without needing their agreement.
- Spend time with kind, validating people to counteract their toxicity.
The less you expect or need from a narcissist, the less power they will have over you. Invest in caring relationships and your own self-worth.
Conclusion
Due to their exaggerated egos and lack of empathy, narcissists rarely apologize genuinely. They may occasionally offer empty apologies when it serves their self-interest. However, lasting behavioral change, accountability, and remorse are unlikely from narcissists as it conflicts with their core traits.
Rather than hoping narcissists validate your feelings, focus on your own healing and surround yourself with people who treat you with the care you deserve. Limit interactions with narcissists as much as possible. Accepting their limitations to apologize can help free you from the frustration of expecting empathy they may never be capable of providing.