Narcissism is a personality trait characterized by grandiosity, pride, egotism, and a lack of empathy. Narcissists tend to have an inflated sense of self-importance and entitlement. They also tend to be exploitative in their relationships with others. One of the hallmark behaviors of narcissists is blaming others for anything that goes wrong in their lives. In this article, we will explore the tendency of narcissists to blame shift and not take responsibility for their actions.
The narcissist’s sense of entitlement
At the core of the narcissist’s tendency to blame others is their inflated sense of entitlement and self-importance. They believe they deserve special treatment and that rules don’t apply to them. When things don’t go their way, they are quick to blame others rather than accept responsibility. They don’t believe they should have to experience negative consequences for their actions.
For example, a narcissistic boss may blame their employees for poor sales numbers rather than examine their own role in driving the team’s performance. Or a narcissistic spouse may blame their partner for relationship problems rather than look at their own insensitive or neglectful behavior.
Blame shifting protects their fragile self-esteem
Narcissists also blame shift to protect their fragile self-esteem and fantasies of power and brilliance. Accepting responsibility for failures or mistakes would shatter their grandiose self-image. Blaming others allows them to avoid emotional pain and maintain their internal narrative of being superior, exceptional people.
They may even engage in cognitive distortions to justify their blame shifting. For instance, a narcissist who is fired for poor performance may convince themselves that their boss was simply jealous of their talents. Or they may vilify someone they abused by telling themselves the person somehow deserved it.
| Narcissist’s Reality | Narcissist’s Distortion |
|---|---|
| Makes mistake at work | It wasn’t my fault, my coworker didn’t prepare me properly |
| Abusive behavior damages relationship | My partner was too sensitive, the relationship failed because of them |
Externalizing blame allows them to avoid change
Furthermore, externalizing blame allows narcissists to avoid accountability and evade changing their toxic behaviors. If they admitted fault, they would have to actively work on improving themselves or make amends, which would be a blow to their inflated egos.
For example, if a narcissistic friend blamed you for the failure of your friendship, they could feel justified in severing ties with you and continue their pattern of failed relationships. Accepting that their exploitation and lies damaged the friendship would require apologizing and modifying their conduct.
The narcissistic rage when confronted with blame
When others challenge their tendency to blame shift or hold them accountable for their actions, narcissists often respond with a narcissistic rage. They may verbally attack or devalue the person. Their fragile self-image feels deeply threatened by criticism.
For instance, if their spouse confronts them about their selfish behavior during the marriage, the narcissist may explode with insults about the spouse being too needy or hysterical. They may storm out of the room or give their partner the silent treatment rather than have a thoughtful discussion about sharing responsibility for the relationship troubles.
How narcissists blame others for specific issues
Narcissists utilize blame shifting and externalization across a variety of contexts and issues in their lives. Here are some examples of how narcissists blame others when faced with different problems or shortcomings:
Work/career failures
A narcissistic worker may blame their boss or coworkers for a demotion, failed project, or lack of promotion. They may accuse others of conspiring against them due to jealousy rather than accept responsibility for poor performance.
Financial problems
Narcissists may blame the economy, their employer, or even family members for their money issues. Accepting that overspending, poor investments, or lack of financial discipline caused money woes would contradict their inflated self-competence.
Addiction
When struggling with addiction, narcissists often fault others like family members or friends. They may claim emotional distress or pressure from their job led them to drink or use drugs. They avoid admitting powerlessness over their addiction and assigning blame externally.
Failed relationships
In intimate relationships that end, narcissists may pin all the responsibility on their ex-partner. They may claim the person was too needy, too boring, unsupportive, or never truly understood them. This externalization obscures their own emotionally abusive behaviors, infidelity, or neglect that damaged the relationship.
Parenting struggles
Narcissistic parents frequently blame their children or spouse when faced with problems like defiant kids, damaged family relationships, or children going no contact. They fail to see how their own selfishness, conditional love, or emotional abuse impacted their family.
Signs someone is blame shifting onto you
When interacting with a narcissist, you may notice their tendency to frequently blame you or others. Here are some signs that someone is shifting blame rather than owning up to their behavior:
- They react defensively and angrily to any feedback about their behavior
- They deny responsibility for anything that goes wrong
- Conversations often revert back to what you or others have done wrong
- They have a pattern of damaged relationships and friendships due to the “fault” of others
- They distort facts or leave out key details of events to bolster their victim narrative
- Everything is someone else’s fault, they accept little or no responsibility for outcomes in their life
- They demand sympathy and understanding but rarely offer the same in return
Coping with a narcissist’s blame shifting
Trying to have healthy relationships with narcissistic people prone to blame shifting can be extremely challenging. Here are some tips for coping:
- See their blame shifting as a reflection of their disorder, not the truth – Remember that their Externalization is a coping mechanism to stabilize their fragile self-esteem. Do not own any unfair blaming.
- Establish strong boundaries around their toxic behaviors – Make it clear you will not tolerate verbal abuse, distortions of facts, or emotional manipulation when they blame shift.
- Speak the truth, even if they reject it – Tactfully yet firmly challenge their externalization and false victimhood when appropriate. Say things like “I won’t own blame that isn’t mine.”
- Reduce or eliminate contact if needed – If their blame shifting becomes emotionally exhausting, consider low or no contact with the narcissist.
- Seek support – Share your experiences with trusted friends or a therapist. This can validate your reality in the face of their warping blame.
| Unhealthy Response | Healthy Response |
|---|---|
| Absorbing their criticisms and blame | Recognizing their words reflect their disorder |
| Argue and defend yourself from their false accusations | Disengage and set boundaries on their behavior |
| Internalizing their blame shifting and feeling guilty | Speaking your truth while refusing to own undeserved blame |
Conclusion
In summary, the tendency to blame others for problems rather than take personal responsibility is a hallmark trait of narcissism. Narcissists blame shift to protect their grandiose yet fragile self-view. They may even distort facts and logic to rationalize their victim narrative. Managing relationships with narcissists prone to externalization can be exhausting. See their blame as a reflection of their disorder, establish strong boundaries, and seek validation through outside support.