Breakups can be difficult experiences for both men and women. There is a common perception that women take breakups harder than men and take longer to recover. However, the research on whether gender differences exist in recovering from a breakup reveals a more complex picture. In this article, we’ll review the evidence on who gets over a breakup faster and examine the many factors that influence recovery.
Summary of Key Points
- Research findings on gender differences in recovering from breakups are mixed, with some studies finding women take longer while others find no differences.
- Multiple factors beyond gender influence how quickly someone recovers from a breakup, including who initiated the breakup, level of investment in the relationship, presence of social support, attachment style, and age.
- Women tend to have larger support networks and be more willing to seek support after a breakup, which may facilitate recovery.
- Men report more emotional control and distractions from feelings after a breakup, which may delay grief but not necessarily recovery.
- Rebound relationships may help both genders recover more quickly but can also impede making a full emotional recovery.
Studies on Gender Differences in Recovering from Breakups
Several studies have investigated whether women or men have more difficulty emotionally recovering from a romantic breakup.
Studies finding women take longer to recover
- A 2021 study of 128 participants found women reported higher levels of grief, depression, and brokenheartedness than men after a breakup. However, it relied on retrospective self-reports rather than following people longitudinally after a breakup.
- An older study from 1996 measured emotional adjustment over time in recently separated couples. It found women had consistently higher levels of separation anxiety and depression compared to men up to a year after the breakup.
- Some neuroimaging studies have found women show higher activation in brain regions associated with social pain and rumination after viewing images of their ex, suggesting they experience more attachment and preoccupation with their ex.
Studies finding no gender differences
- A 2019 study followed people for 9 weeks after a breakup and found no gender differences in patterns of emotional recovery over time.
- Other longitudinal studies following individuals for weeks or months after a breakup found no differences between men and women in time to recover from a breakup.
- A meta-analysis of multiple breakup studies with over 11,000 participants concluded there are no consistent gender differences in post-breakup distress and recovery.
Limitations of these studies
- Sample sizes are often small in breakup studies.
- Definitions of emotional “recovery” vary across studies.
- Few studies follow people for extended periods of time after a breakup.
- Self-reports of emotions may be biased by gender norms about expressing vulnerability.
Factors Influencing How Quickly Someone Gets Over a Breakup
While research findings on gender differences are mixed, multiple factors beyond simply gender influence how quickly someone recovers from a breakup.
Who initiated the breakup
People who initiate a breakup often start emotionally disconnecting before the relationship ends, giving them a head start in the recovery process. The person being broken up with has a harder time dealing with the shock.
Level of investment in the relationship
People more invested in and satisfied with their relationship generally have a harder time getting over the breakup. Those unsatisfied may have already disengaged and be relieved after breaking up.
Presence of social support
Having friends and family to lean on after a breakup helps speed recovery for both men and women. Those lacking strong social support may struggle more.
Attachment style
People with insecure attachment styles involving fear of abandonment or avoidance of intimacy may have longer emotional recoveries after a breakup.
Age
Younger people tend to recover more quickly perhaps due to having less invested in relationships. Breakups later in life after long-term relationships can be especially challenging.
| Factor | Influence on Recovery |
|---|---|
| Who initiated the breakup | Initiator recovers more quickly |
| Investment in the relationship | More investment makes recovery slower |
| Social support | More support aids recovery |
| Attachment style | Insecure attachment slows recovery |
| Age | Younger people recover more quickly |
How Men and Women Cope Differently After Breakups
Gendered norms and socialization may influence how men and women cope in the aftermath of a breakup, which can impact emotional recovery.
Women’s coping
- Women more often rely on social support and openly talking through feelings with friends after a breakup.
- Women report crying frequently and expressing despair after a breakup.
- Women demonstrate a stronger tendency to ruminate about what went wrong and how to get their ex back.
- Support and emotional expression may help facilitate recovery, even if women initially feel worse than men.
Men’s coping
- Men report distracting themselves with activities, work, or hobbies after a breakup.
- Men describe denying certain emotions and suppressing outward displays of grief.
- Men more often report feeling anger and resentment about the breakup.
- Avoiding painful emotions may delay grief but not necessarily recovery. Suppressed emotions may resurface later.
The Role of Rebound Relationships
Rebound relationships with new partners soon after a breakup are a common coping mechanism that may help both genders recover more quickly.
Potential benefits
- Providing distraction from emotional pain and loneliness.
- Restoring a sense of self-esteem through feeling desired.
- Allowing an opportunity to compare new and old partners.
- Helping move on by shutting the door on reconciling with an ex.
Potential drawbacks
- Impeding grief over the loss of the previous relationship.
- Transferring unresolved feelings onto a new partner.
- Repeating destructive relationship patterns.
- Delaying personal growth by avoiding being single.
Conclusion
The research on whether women or men recover from breakups more quickly is complex, with mixed findings. While women may initially express more distress, men likely also feel grief even if expressing it less openly. The many factors beyond gender that influence breakup recovery make the question of who gets over it faster difficult to conclusively answer. Gendered coping styles certainly influence the process of recovery, but not necessarily the endpoint of getting over a relationship. Ultimately, people of both genders face challenges in recovering from heartbreak. With self-care, support, and time to process feelings, most are able to work through the pain and come out emotionally stronger in the end.