Do emotional affairs last?

An emotional affair is a romantic or emotional relationship between two people, where at least one person is already in a committed relationship with someone else. Emotional affairs are often kept secret and do not involve physical intimacy. However, an emotional affair can feel like cheating and harm an existing relationship.

Emotional affairs are quite common – research suggests around 45-55% of people in relationships have engaged in emotional infidelity at some point. However, there is debate over whether emotional affairs can stand the test of time and develop into stable, long-term relationships.

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Can Emotional Affairs Turn Into Real Relationships?

There are a few factors to consider when determining if an emotional affair has the potential to turn into a real, committed relationship:

The circumstances under which the emotional affair began – was one person looking to fill a void in their existing relationship? Or did both enter the emotional affair when already checked out of their relationships?
Has the emotional affair been exposed? Going public and dealing with the fallout can strengthen the bond or reveal incompatibilities.

Are both people available and committed to making it work? Leaving a spouse or partner is difficult and will require effort and sacrifice from both individuals.
Do they have a strong emotional connection and want the same things? An emotional affair based solely on physical attraction may fizzle out.
How well do they deal with conflict and communicate? Good relationships require emotional maturity from both partners.

While emotional affairs don’t always lead to committed relationships, they can if both individuals put in the work to build trust and intimacy and share compatibility beyond the initial attraction. However, the beginning of a new relationship after an affair comes with unique challenges.

Challenges of Turning an Emotional Affair Into a Relationship

Some key challenges that can arise when trying to turn an emotional affair into a lasting relationship include:

Dealing with guilt and shame – Feelings of remorse over hurting others can undermine the new relationship.

Lack of trust and honesty – Secret affairs can lead to jealousy and suspicion after going public.
Resentment from former partners – Former partners may make things difficult and resist the relationship.
Disapproval from family and friends – Lack of support due to the circumstances of how the relationship began.

The loss of the secretive, fantasy aspect – The everyday realities of an official relationship can be disappointing.
Different expectations – The two individuals may realize they want different things once the relationship progresses.

Overcoming these obstacles requires open communication, transparency, setting boundaries with former partners, seeking counseling if needed, and giving the new relationship enough care, patience and time to blossom. It also helps if there is a strong foundation of friendship and true emotional intimacy distinct from the affair.

Making an Emotional Affair Last

It is possible for an emotional affair to successfully transition into a happy, committed, long-lasting relationship. Here are some tips that can help:

Be open about the affair and apologize for any hurt caused – don’t start a relationship with secrecy.
Cut contact with exes and set boundaries – Focus energy on the new partner.

Take things slowly – Don’t rush major commitments like moving in together.
Seek counseling – Work through lingering feelings of guilt, trust issues.
Nurture intimacy and friendship – Build a relationship not just based on attraction.

Don’t be afraid of discomfort – Working through challenges will strengthen the bond.
Create shared experiences – Do new things together to form a distinct relationship history.
Focus on quality time together – Invest in the new partnership.

Be open and honest – Communicate feelings and needs clearly.
Discuss the future – Make sure you share common relationship goals.

With effort, patience and willingness to work through difficulties, many emotional affairs can develop into healthy relationships built on genuine love, respect and companionship.

Steps for Recovering from an Emotional Affair and Saving Your Relationship

If you had an emotional affair and want to save your primary relationship, here are some tips:

Be honest. Admit to the affair and take responsibility. Offer full transparency going forward.
Cut contact completely with the other person. This is essential for rebuilding trust.

Listen to your partner’s feelings. Understand their hurt without being defensive.
Identify issues that led to the emotional affair. Work on fixing them together.
Commit to total openness. Share passwords, accounts and messages.

Be patient and consistent. Rebuilding trust takes time after a betrayal.
Seek counseling. An objective third party can facilitate productive conversations.
Make your partner a priority again. Invest time and energy into the relationship.

Identify boundaries for other relationships. Stick to them.
Express appreciation and affection. Compliment and do kind things for your partner.

With consistent effort over time, an emotional affair can be overcome through mutual understanding, forgiveness and revitalized commitment. However, both partners must be willing to put in the work.

When Is it Time to Let Go of the Relationship?

In some cases, an emotional affair may signal that a relationship has run its course and should come to a close. Here are some signs it may be time to let go:

Your needs have changed and are no longer being met.
The trust between you and your partner is completely broken.

Counseling and communication efforts have failed over an extended time.
The affair exposed deeper problems that existed already.
You are regularly arguing and fighting.

You or your partner remain attached to the person from the emotional affair.
The emotional connection and feelings of affection are gone.
Your life goals and visions for the future no longer align.

The hurt from the emotional affair overshadows happiness.

While recovering from an affair is possible, sometimes the damage goes too deep. Reflect honestly on your situation. You both deserve fulfilling relationships.

Can You Regain Trust After an Emotional Affair?

Regaining trust after an emotional affair requires consistent, patient effort from the unfaithful partner, and willingness to forgive from the hurt partner. Here are some tips:

The unfaithful partner must end all contact with the affair person completely.
Be transparent and give access to phones, accounts, correspondence.
Communicate openly and answer questions honestly.

Understand that rebuilding trust after a betrayal takes time.
Follow through consistently on promises and changes.
Do thoughtful things to make your partner feel valued.

Give your partner space if needed.
Identify the root causes of the emotional affair and address them.
Accept that the hurt partner may still feel some mistrust.

Consider counseling to facilitate healing.

With consistent effort and reassurance over time, emotional trust can be rebuilt. However, the unfaithful partner must earn back trust by demonstrating changed behavior. It cannot be forced.

Conclusion

Emotional affairs have the potential to turn into lasting relationships, but overcoming the stigma and fallout of how the relationship began can be very challenging. Ultimately, whether an emotional affair can successfully transition into a committed partnership comes down to the sincerity and maturity of the individuals involved, and their willingness to put in consistent effort to build trust, intimacy and open communication. In some cases, however, an emotional affair may signal the need to let go of an unhealthy relationship and move on. With openness, compassion and commitment to growth, recovering from an affair is possible but requires time and dedication from both partners.