Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a challenging mental health condition characterized by difficulty regulating emotions, impulsivity, and unstable relationships. People with BPD often experience intense emotions and struggle to manage them in healthy ways, leading to interpersonal problems. One common issue that arises in relationships for those with BPD is determining how much space and alone time is healthy vs abandoning the relationship. Finding the right balance can be difficult, but is important for maintaining stable connections.
What is borderline personality disorder?
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition marked by a pattern of instability in moods, behavior, self-image, and functioning. People with BPD often have trouble regulating their emotions and impulses, leading to unpredictable behavior and turbulent personal relationships. hallmark symptoms of BPD include:
- Intense but unstable emotions and mood swings
- Impulsive, risky behaviors
- Unstable, chaotic interpersonal relationships
- Fear of abandonment
- Identity disturbance or unstable self-image
- Chronic feelings of emptiness
- Self-harm behaviors
- Dissociative symptoms
These symptoms typically start in early adulthood and occur across a variety of situations. BPD causes significant distress and functional impairment in daily life. With proper treatment and support, many people with BPD can find relief from symptoms and establish healthy relationships.
Do people with BPD need space?
When it comes to relationships, people with BPD often struggle with boundaries around closeness and distance. Many crave intimacy but then feel overwhelmed, causing them to need time apart. This push-pull dynamic confuses and frustrates partners. So do people with BPD really need more space and alone time? There are a few key factors to consider:
Fear of abandonment – Those with BPD desperately fear rejection and being left. Time apart can trigger this, even if temporary. More space may increase anxieties.
Attachment issues – Many with BPD have disorganized attachment styles rooted in childhood. They yearn for intimacy but get uncomfortable with too much closeness. Needing distance can reflect this attachment instability.
Emotional dysregulation – BPD involves intense, poorly controlled emotions. Relationships and social interaction can further overwhelm already fried nerves. Time alone helps calm the emotional storm.
Identity disturbances – People with BPD struggle with a poor sense of self. Too much enmeshment with others may further dilute their fragile identity. Space allows reestablishing a sense of self.
So in many cases, yes – creating some healthy breathing room in relationships can be stabilizing for those with BPD. But how much space is healthy vs. harmful?
Finding the right balance
People with BPD may benefit from opportunities for solitude to decompress and self-reflect. However, too much distance can exacerbate fears of abandonment. Finding the right amount of space in relationships involves:
Communication – Clearly expressing needs for alone time or quiet. Setting expectations upfront.
Moderation – Occasional and brief periods of space. Not withdrawing for extended periods or routinely.
Reassurance – Providing reassurance that the relationship is stable. Avoiding radio silence. Checking in periodically.
Respecting boundaries – If a partner requests space, don’t overwhelm them. Stick to their timeline.
Self-soothing – Using healthy coping strategies when alone to stay regulated. Not letting emotions escalate.
Treatment – Working on attachment and emotional regulation issues in therapy. Reducing dependency on others for stability.
With open communication, predictable routines, and appropriate self-care, people with BPD can balance time together and apart. However, if space becomes an escape or void, it may be time to work with a professional on addressing core BPD issues.
Tips for partners of those with BPD
For loved ones of those with BPD, their need for space can be confusing and spark anxiety. Some tips for partners include:
– Avoid taking it personally – this reflects their own struggles, not flaws in the relationship.
– Offer reassurance – remind them you care and will be there when they’re ready.
– Respect boundaries around space requests.
– Encourage self-care while apart – journaling, hot baths, exercise.
– Check-in occasionally – don’t let the distance go on too long.
– Request they put space limits in writing if needed.
– Voice your own needs clearly.
– Attend therapy together to build communication skills.
– Don’t abandon your own support system.
– Know when to walk away from unhealthy push-pull cycles.
While challenging, with mutual understanding and accountability, healthy space can be achieved in BPD relationships.
When space goes too far
For those with BPD, alone time can slip into isolation that exacerbates problems. Watch for space becoming:
– A way to punish or control partners.
– Means of avoiding issues that need addressing.
– Extended, not communicated, leaves partner hanging.
– Used to stir up drama or insecurity.
– Done impulsively, without self-care.
– An escape from getting appropriate treatment.
If space becomes dysfunctional, destabilizing or lasting, it may require evaluation by a mental health professional. Unhealthy uses of space won’t resolve core BPD issues.
Healthy alternatives to space
If intervals of alone time become problematic, some healthy alternatives include:
– Short breaks doing an activity together – puzzling, cooking, hiking. Gets space while staying connected.
– Creative projects – art, music, DIY projects. Helps express emotions in a tangible way.
– Exercise – yoga, weight lifting, dance class. Moving the body can release tensions.
– Time with pets – snuggling a furry friend. Comfort without the interpersonal demands.
– Volunteering – serving others gets out of own head.
– Relaxation practices – light yoga, deep breathing, meditating. Can reduce stress.
– Journaling – writing down thoughts and feelings. Helps process emotions.
The goal with these is shifting focus in a healthy way without fully withdrawing from the relationship. They can meet needs for decompression without triggering abandonment fears.
When is professional help needed?
While some space in relationships can be healthy for those with BPD, professional help may be warranted if:
– Push-pull cycles of clinging then withdrawing become extreme or chaotic.
– Time apart is used punitively or impulsively.
– Self-destructive behaviors emerge when alone – substance abuse, self-harm.
– It causes significant distress for either partner.
– Stability deteriorates despite attempts to establish boundaries.
– Communication totally breaks down.
– Significant depression, anxiety or emotional dysregulation persists despite space.
A therapist can help identify unhealthy patterns around space and intimacy and restore balance. They can also teach coping strategies, communication skills and help process underlying issues maintaining the BPD. With professional guidance, space can become a tool for self-awareness and restoring stability, rather than fueling further turmoil.
Conclusion
People with borderline personality disorder often struggle with closeness and distance in relationships. Their fear of abandonment and attachment challenges can make time apart anxiety-provoking. However, emotional dysregulation may also necessitate intervals of solitude to decompress. Finding the right cadence between togetherness and air helps preserve the relationship. Being mindful, communicating needs and seeking help if space becomes dysfunctional allows adjusting the rhythm in a healthy way. With proper treatment and skills, those with BPD can determine how much space allows the relationship to breathe while staying intimately bonded.