Autism is a developmental disability that affects how people communicate and interact with others. Autism exists on a spectrum, meaning it affects each individual differently. Some autistic people have significant challenges with social skills and forming friendships, while others are more mildly impacted. This leads to an important question – do autistic people want friends in the first place?
Do autistic people experience loneliness?
Research shows that many autistic people do experience loneliness and a desire for friendship. In one study, nearly 50% of autistic adults surveyed said they felt lonely on a regular basis. Feelings of loneliness were highest among those with more significant social challenges. Other studies have found that autistic youth are significantly more likely to self-report having no friends compared to non-autistic peers.
However, some autistic people, especially those with more severe social difficulties, may have trouble outwardly expressing a desire for companionship. They may not initiate social interactions or show their feelings of loneliness in the same direct ways as non-autistic people. But when asked directly, many autistic individuals say they do wish they had more friends.
Do social challenges make friendships difficult?
While many autistic individuals want friendships, social difficulties inherent to autism can make forming and maintaining relationships exceptionally challenging:
- Communication differences – Autistic people may have trouble using and understanding typical nonverbal cues like eye contact or body language. They may have differences in conversational skills like turn-taking or sharing reciprocal back-and-forth interaction.
- Narrow, intense interests – Autistic people often have passionate interests in specific subjects and can have trouble relating to others’ interests or holding conversations outside their preferred topics.
- Sensory issues – Sensitivity to sounds, lights, smells or touch may make it hard for autistic people to comfortably experience larger social gatherings.
- Need for routine – Autistic people can be rigid about schedules and ritualized behavior, making it hard to develop flexible friendships that adapt to changing plans.
These and other social challenges inherent to autism can put up barriers to making and keeping friends. But research confirms that autistic people do still have an underlying desire for friendship much like non-autistic people.
Do autistic people understand friendship?
Another question is whether autistic people fully understand the meaning and rules of friendship. Several studies provide insight:
Autistic children have similar ideas about friendship
Researchers have found that autistic children ages 4-7 have remarkably similar concepts of friendship to non-autistic peers when asked directly about friendship attributes. Autistic children value things like helping, sharing, and common interests in their friendships much like others their age.
However, autistic children were more likely to construct ideas of friendship from logic and rules, whereas non-autistic children focused more on emotional connections.
Autistic youth know the “hidden curriculum” of social rules
As children get older, friendships take on more nuanced “hidden curriculum” of social rules and norms that go beyond basic concepts. Although autistic youth struggle to apply these intricate rules fluidly in real-time interactions, studies show they often comprehend the hidden social curriculum intellectually.
In one study, autistic youth ages 11-16 demonstrated knowledge of advanced friendship rules like reciprocity, inside jokes, white lies, politeness, and dealing with arguments when asked directly. They knew the subtle friendship building blocks in theory, even if unable to adeptly use those skills in practice.
Autistic adults understand but struggle to apply friendship skills
Research into autistic adults echoes similar themes – autistic adults comprehend friendship norms but have ongoing challenges applying this knowledge in their real relationships:
- Autistic adults can define friendship and articulate its meanings when interviewed directly.
- They value closeness, trust, acceptance, caring, and shared interests in friendships, much like non-autistic adults.
- But turning this friendship knowledge into tangible skills remains problematic. Conceptual knowledge outpaces real-life application.
So in summary, research dispels stereotypes that autistic people somehow do not understand friendship in concept. But social-communication challenges make it hard to translate this comprehension into every day relational success.
How do communication differences impact autistic friendships?
Let’s explore how some of the most common social-communication differences in autism impact the way autistic people form, understand, and navigate friendships:
Literal interpretations
Because autistic people tend to interpret language literally and have difficulty with nuance, metaphors, irony and other non-literal devices are often lost on them. This can lead to miscommunications and misunderstandings that strain social connections.
Monologuing instead of conversing
Reciprocal conversation involves back-and-forth turn taking and sharing. Autistic people often have trouble with this, instead monologuing about their special interests regardless of listeners’ responses. This one-sided communication style hinders bonding.
Blunt honesty
Non-autistic people often soften opinions with white lies or politeness to avoid offense. Autistic people tend to value blunt, transparent communication and may not modulate their honesty about others’ traits or behavior. This can come across as rude and damage relationships.
Missing nonverbal cues
Reading subtle nonverbal signals like facial expressions, posture and tone conveys important social information. Autistic people struggle to interpret these cues, not recognizing disinterest, disagreement or other implicit messages.
Focus on rules over feelings
Non-autistic people lean on emotional intuition to navigate social decisions. Autistic individuals rely more on logic and rules, puzzling over the shifting moods essential to bonding. Prioritizing principles over feelings can frustrate friends.
While generalities never apply to all individuals on the spectrum, these communication patterns do present common obstacles autistic people must navigate in forging meaningful friendships.
Do autistic people have impaired empathy?
Another friendship-related skill that autistic people are often said to lack is empathy – the ability to understand and share in others’ emotions. Is this true? The research is complex:
Autistic people care about others
Contrary to negative stereotypes, studies show autistic people very much care about others’ wellbeing and emotions. When asked, autistic people describe high levels of concern for friends and family, desire to help others in distress, and motivation to treat people respectfully.
Cognitive vs. intuitive empathy
However, autistic people seem to arrive at empathy through a different route. Non-autistic people employ intuitive empathy – effortlessly imagining others’ feelings based on nonverbal cues. Autistic people excel more at cognitive empathy – intellectually understanding emotions using logic and explicit information.
Challenges with intuitive empathy
The intuitive empathy route is impacted in autism due to challenges reading facial expressions, body language, and social context. But when provided with clear verbal explanations of characters’ thoughts in stories, for example, autistic people display normative cognitive empathy.
Empathy and close relationships
Possessing more cognitive than intuitive empathy abilities appears sufficient for showing care and concern in many family and close friend relationships, though casual social connections often take more of an intuitive toll.
In summary, autistic people do not lack empathy itself, but navigate it differently than non-autistic people, which contributes to some friendship difficulties. However, they remain very capable of meaningful caring friendships, especially with those willing to communicate feelings verbally and explicitly.
Do social challenges cause autistic people to prefer solitude?
Some speculate that the social difficulties of autism lead autistic individuals to choose self-isolation and actively avoid friendships. Does research support this idea? The conclusions are multifaceted:
Mixed findings on preference for solitude
Some studies do find a subset of autistic people, often those with more severe social-communication challenges, demonstrate a genuine preference to be alone when given the choice. They report enjoying and valuing solitude.
However, other studies find social isolation is far more often associated with social anxiety, depression, bullying, and negative self-concept in autistic youth and adults. Many autistic people, even if appreciating some alone time, do not want to be isolated.
Social exhaustion
Seeking solitude may also be a way for autistic people to cope with social exhaustion, similar to introverts among the non-autistic population. Too much social interaction is draining. Time alone to recharge may improve social motivation rather than representing a desire for isolation.
Depends on the person and situation
In the end, preference for aloneness versus sociality in autism seems highly individualized and context-dependent. While some autistic people do prefer solitary activities, research indicates most still desire some level of friendship much like anyone else.
What makes friendship difficult for autistic people?
Beyond internal social-communication challenges, what external factors make friendship uniquely difficult for many autistic individuals?
Peer rejection
Unfortunately, research indicates autistic youth are far more likely to be overtly rejected, bullied or simply ignored by peers. Making and keeping friends is enormously harder in an unwelcoming social environment.
Social exclusion
Even well-meaning efforts like mainstreaming autistic students in regular classrooms can backfire if teachers don’t actively foster inclusion. Without purposeful mediation, autistic students often remain socially isolated.
Friendship skill deficits
Typical school curriculums do not teach concrete friendship skills. While non-autistic children pick up these nuanced rules intuitively, autistic students need direct friendship coaching. Lacking this support is a barrier.
Communication mismatches
Non-autistic people often speak abstractly, indirectly, idiomatically, and with unclear nonverbal cues. These communicative mismatches create obstacles unless friends and family intentionally make conversations more concrete, logical and explicit.
Anxiety and depression
After years of rejection, failed attempts and not fitting in, many autistic people develop painful mental health challenges like anxiety, depression and low self-worth. This understandably impacts social confidence and willingness to keep trying.
In summary, external factors outside autistic people’s control have a huge impact and must be addressed to improve friendship opportunities.
What helps autistic people make and keep friends?
Despite real challenges, autistic people certainly can and do have meaningful friendships. What helps?
Start young
Friendship difficulties should be targeted early through childhood coaching and peer mediation programs. Skills are easier to build when still developmentally malleable.
Target friendship skills directly
Don’t assume children pick up nuances implicitly – teach friendship rules overtly through modeling, social stories, dramatizing, scripts, etc. Break abstraction down concretely.
Encourage inclusive peers
Peers willing to adapt their communication style help span the social gap from both directions. Encourage flexibility and understanding in potential friends.
Find common interests
Shared passions provide a social bridge when conversing and interacting around mutually enjoyed topics. Pursue friendship with those who share your interests.
Allow social accommodations
Accept that autistic people may need adjustments like more personal space, quieter environments or advance plans. Adaptations maximize social success.
Practice self-advocacy
Being transparent about communication differences and social needs often improves relationships as others understand how to best interact with you.
Seek supportive communities
Making friends with others who have similar life experiences combats isolation. Connecting with the neurodivergent community provides camaraderie.
Find professional help if needed
For those with disabling anxiety, depression or skill deficits, psychologists and social skills therapists can provide important counseling and training to improve social confidence and ability.
With compassion, understanding and direct skill building, autistic people can form meaningful connections. The challenges are real, but not insurmountable.
Conclusion
In summary, while autistic people face real social-communication challenges, research confirms that most autistic individuals do desire friends and appreciate the companionship, support, enjoyment and closeness friendship provides. They may construct ideas of friendship somewhat differently or arrive at empathy through more cognitive than intuitive means, but fundamentally value friendship just like anyone else.
However, successfully translating this desire into fulfilling relationships requires external understanding, accommodation and direct skill teaching too often missing. With compassion, overt social coaching, a supportive community and shared interests, autistic people can find, make and keep meaningful friendships. They want to connect – we must foster this inclusion.