Affairs rarely “just happen” out of the blue. There are usually underlying issues in the marriage that create vulnerabilities, along with situational circumstances that provide opportunity. However, the choice to have an affair is ultimately made by the individual. While affairs may seem to occur spontaneously, a closer look often reveals a gradual slide into infidelity resulting from unresolved problems, unmet needs, and rationalizations.
What leads to affairs?
There are multiple factors that can make someone susceptible to an affair. Some of the most common reasons include:
- Feeling emotionally disconnected from one’s spouse – A lack of intimacy, affection, and overall bonding can motivate someone to seek those feelings elsewhere.
- Sexual dissatisfaction – An unfulfilling sex life or mismatched libidos frequently play a role in infidelity.
- Boredom and craving excitement – Seeking the “high” of a new relationship can be appealing after years of marriage.
- Loss of love, trust, and respect – When positive regard for a partner diminishes, cheating becomes more tempting.
- Revenge or retaliation – Infidelity may be an attempt to get back at a spouse for previous hurts and betrayals.
- Insecurity and need for validation – Affairs can be a temporary ego boost and provide a sense of being desired.
While these factors may help explain affairs, they don’t remove individual responsibility. There are always alternatives to cheating, such as marriage counseling, trial separation, or divorce.
How do affairs start?
Affairs frequently begin through seemingly innocent interactions that gradually become more intimate over time. There is often no conscious decision to be unfaithful initially – it is more of a slide than a leap. Here are some common ways affairs develop:
- Friendship at work becomes too close – Frequent conversations and lunches out lead to sharing intimate details and growing attraction.
- Emotional affair with an ex or old friend – Staying in touch rekindles feelings, leading to flirtation and confiding.
- Innocent texting or messaging with an acquaintance turns flirtatious.
- Spouse spends increasing amounts of time with a platonic friend of the opposite sex.
- Online relationship blurs boundaries between friend and romantic partner.
- Alcohol lowers inhibitions around a tempting colleague or neighbor.
In each of these scenarios, the relationship shifts gradually from platonic to inappropriate intimacy. If left unchecked, an emotional or physical affair can develop. Preventative measures like setting boundaries and limiting contact can stop this slide before it goes too far.
Does marital unhappiness justify cheating?
Being unhappy in a marriage does not make an affair inevitable or unpreventable. There are many choices beyond just staying miserable or straying:
- Communicate with your spouse – Clearly express what you feel is lacking in the relationship and work together to make improvements.
- Attend marriage counseling – A skilled therapist can help you reconnect and identify changes needed.
- Take time apart – Separate constructively to gain clarity and perspective on the relationship.
- Consider divorce – If the relationship cannot be repaired, ending it with integrity is an option.
- Invest in personal growth – Tend to your own needs and desires independent of your spouse through hobbies, classes, social circles, etc.
While infidelity may appear to be an easy escape, it often creates more problems. Working on the marriage directly, or leaving it honestly, are more ethical alternatives.
Can an affair help a marriage?
Despite notions of an affair re-igniting passion or signaling a marriage should end, infidelity rarely improves a relationship. In most cases, it has the opposite effect:
- The trust between spouses is severely damaged, requiring years of repair.
- The partner who was cheated on feels betrayed and suffers a blow to self-esteem.
- Resentment and anger arise, which can be difficult to overcome.
- The unfaithful spouse feels guilt, shame, and regret over their actions.
- intimacy in the marriage deteriorates due to emotional distance.
- The affair creates a secret between partners that limits openness.
In the aftermath of infidelity, many couples find the relationship was too damaged to salvage. The healthiest option is nearly always to work through marriage problems directly, rather than seeking solutions outside it.
Can affairs be prevented?
While there are no guarantees, the risk of an affair can be minimized by:
- Ensuring emotional needs are met within the marriage, so neither spouse feels compelled to look elsewhere.
- Making regular time for romance, intimacy, and connection as a couple.
- Setting clear boundaries with members of the opposite sex to avoid slippery slopes.
- Removing temptations like flirtatious friends/colleagues where possible.
- Committing to transparency around daily activities and relationships.
- Participating in marriage enrichment activities – counseling, retreats, workshops, etc.
- Holding each other accountable for improper behavior and flirtatious interactions.
However, a spouse cannot control their partner’s choices. If one spouse is intent on cheating, the best options are either professional help to rebuild intimacy or separating paths.
Conclusion
While affairs may appear to “just happen” randomly, they are usually the result of incremental steps that lead to infidelity. Unresolved marital issues, unmet needs, and situational circumstances lend themselves to cheating in many cases. However, an affair is never inevitable and always involves a deliberate choice. Investing in the marriage directly and avoiding compromising situations are far better alternatives than giving in to temptation.