Parenting is hard work. As parents, we want the best for our children – for them to grow up to be happy, successful, and caring human beings. However, sometimes our best parental instincts can backfire. Some parenting approaches, especially those that focus heavily on praise, achievement, and outward measures of success, may foster narcissistic traits in children. Many parents worry that they may be unintentionally raising narcissistic children. So how do you know if your parenting is contributing to narcissism in your kids? And if so, what can you do about it?
What is narcissism?
Narcissism is characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a need for excessive admiration. Narcissists believe they are superior to others and are obsessed with their own success. They feel entitled to special treatment and will exploit others to get what they want. At the same time, they are extremely sensitive to criticism and often lash out when challenged or rejected.
Pathological narcissism is considered a personality disorder that impairs functioning and relationships. However, we all lie on a spectrum of narcissistic traits. An appropriate amount of confidence, ambition, and pride is healthy. It’s when those qualities tip into extreme territory that narcissism becomes problematic.
Signs of narcissism in children
How can you spot narcissistic tendencies in kids? Here are some common signs:
Excessive sense of superiority
Narcissistic children often have an inflated sense of self-worth and importance. They may see themselves as more accomplished, intelligent, and talented than their peers.
Excessive need for admiration
These children crave constant praise, attention, and external validation. They may show off possessions, achievements, appearance, or abilities in pursuit of compliments.
Exploiting others
Narcissistic kids often use friendships for self-promotion and take advantage of others’ time or empathy. They are more concerned with their own needs than being kind.
Lack of empathy
Children with narcissism struggle to understand others’ perspectives or emotions. They lack remorse and concern for people beyond themselves.
Arrogance and haughty behavior
These children act entitled, superior, and above rules. They believe they deserve special treatment and are quick to anger when they don’t get their way.
Excessive reaction to setbacks
Narcissistic children handle criticism, failure, or underperformance poorly. They may lash out at others, make excuses, or lose motivation in response to not being the best.
Are highly praised children at risk?
Many parents today follow well-meaning advice to build their children’s self-esteem by offering copious praise and positive reinforcement. However, research suggests that this over-the-top praise can fuel narcissism.
Children praised for talent and ability rather than hard work may come to believe they are inherently superior. They are at higher risk of acting entitled, avoiding challenges, and handling setbacks poorly.
Perfectionistic pressure from parents is another contributor. Children who believe their parents’ love and acceptance hinges on outstanding performance are prone to narcissism.
While praise for effort encourages resilience, unconditional support fosters genuine self-esteem. Children praised for who they are, rather than blindly for what they achieve, tend to demonstrate more empathy and manage criticism better.
Is permissive parenting to blame?
Permissive parents place few demands on their children and rarely discipline. This parenting style can lead children to believe they are the center of the universe.
When parents give kids excessive autonomy, fail to set limits, and allow disrespectful behavior, children learn that rules don’t apply to them. This fosters entitlement, poor self-control, and inflated self-worth.
Children of permissive parents may grow up spoiled, demanding, and unable to healthily handle conflict. These traits left unchecked can lead to narcissism.
Authoritative parenting with high warmth, appropriate discipline, and age-based expectations tends to raise the most well-adjusted kids.
Do special treatment and spotlight promote narcissism?
Parents sometimes shower gifted or talented children with extra attention, privileges, and praise. Sports stars, child actors, and kids with early ability in music, dance, or academics often get placed on a pedestal. While their abilities warrant nurturing, the spotlight treatment can inflate self-focus.
Children treated as exceptionally special or talented may struggle with arrogance, poor coping skills, and interpersonal issues. They are at higher risk of developing narcissistic tendencies.
While supporting children’s talents, reminding them of the virtues of hard work, humility, and consideration for others can help prevent negative consequences of the spotlight.
Do narcissistic parents create narcissistic children?
Growing up with a narcissistic parent often contributes to narcissistic traits in the children. Narcissistic parents value themselves and their own needs above all else. Their love often comes with strings attached.
Children of narcissists learn that love is conditional, based on performance and superficial qualities. As a result, they often struggle with shame, insecurity, and inadequate self-worth. Some grow up to be narcissists themselves, seeking the external validation they lacked.
Narcissistic parental approval is inconsistent and unpredictable. Narcissistic parents swing between putting their kids on a pedestal one minute and ignoring, demeaning, or criticizing them the next. This emotional rollercoaster primes kids for narcissism.
Can authoritarian parenting lead to narcissism?
Authoritarian parents impose rigid rules and expectations on their children. They offer little warmth or empathy. Authoritarian parenting can lead children to feel they are only as good as their accomplishments.
Strict punishment for falling short of parental standards teaches children to seek validation through perfectionism and comparison to others. Children with authoritarian parents often feel worthless when they fail to meet expectations.
The conditional approval of authoritarian parents – based on achievement and obedience rather than unconditional love – makes children emotionally vulnerable. As a shield from shame and insecurity, some develop narcissistic tendencies.
Are younger siblings at greater risk?
Research reveals that younger siblings are more likely to develop narcissistic traits than their older counterparts. There are a few possible reasons for this trend:
Over-idealization
Younger siblings may be pampered and indulged by parents and older siblings in a form of “baby of the family” idealization. This excessive adoration can lead to entitlement and superiority complexes.
Comparison and competition
Younger siblings often compare themselves to accomplished older siblings. They may work hard to surpass their brothers or sisters in talent, intelligence, achievement, and attention from parents and peers. This breeds self-absorption and ego-centrism.
Parental fatigue
By the time the younger kids arrive, parents are often tired and invest less time in careful parenting. Younger children may lack structure and accountability or get away with more. Permissive treatment can enable narcissism.
While not universal, these factors put youngest children statistically at greater risk of developing narcissistic traits.
Strategies to avoid fostering narcissism
If you are worried about narcissistic tendencies in your child, there are parenting approaches that may help:
Praise effort over accomplishment
Avoid excessive praise of innate talent and focus on applauding hard work and perseverance. Help children see results as stemming from practice and determination rather than fixed abilities.
Allow children to fail
Let your child experience setbacks, fall short of perfection, or lose at competitions. Learn through failure breeds resilience and humility.
Discourage arrogance
If your child gloats about outperforming peers or acts superior, nip this in the bud. Teach the values of modesty, fairness, and compassion for others.
Teach delayed gratification
Ensure your child learns to handle not getting what they want right away. Set limits and uphold rules. Saying no and denying entitled demands teaches self-control.
Volunteering and contributing
Find ways your child can help others. Serving those less fortunate can build empathy and perspective.
Unconditional love and support
Let your child know you love them for who they are, not what they achieve. Avoid harsh punishment and criticism that leaves them feeling emotionally insecure.
While difficult, narcissistic tendencies aren’t necessarily permanent if caught early. With care and vigilance, there is hope for raising empathetic, grounded children. If you have ongoing concerns, seek professional support.
The bottom line
At times, the hardest thing in parenting is dialing back our efforts to build self-esteem and success. Focusing heavily on achievement, praise, and status can have unintended consequences like fueling narcissism. While wanting the best for our kids, we must also emphasize compassion, responsibility, and humility. With mindful parenting, we can raise children to become their healthiest and most caring selves.