It’s natural to worry about upsetting your therapist or making them angry. After all, therapy is an intimate process where you open up about personal struggles. You want your therapist to like you and understand you. However, it’s important to remember that a good therapist will not get angry with you for sharing your feelings honestly in session.
Why therapists avoid anger
There are several reasons why a therapist will avoid expressing anger towards a client:
- It’s unprofessional – Therapists are trained to respond to clients in a calm, compassionate way. Becoming visibly angry would be seen as losing control and not modeling healthy responses.
- It shifts the focus – Anger often makes us become defensive. If a therapist gets angry, it can shift the client’s focus from their own issues to the therapist’s emotions.
- It damages the therapeutic relationship – This relationship is key to therapy being effective. Anger from the therapist may make a client no longer feel safe opening up.
- It’s counterproductive – Anger rarely leads to productive solutions. Therapists aim to guide clients positively to make healthy changes.
That being said, therapists are human. They may sometimes feel frustrated by a client’s actions or mistakes. However, a good therapist will process these feelings on their own time, not in session with the client.
Signs your therapist is angry
While outright anger is uncommon, your therapist may show subtle signs of irritation or annoyance. Watch for:
- Curt responses
- Less eye contact
- Tension in face or body language
- A change in tone of voice
- Cutting session time short
However, keep in mind your therapist may just be having an off day occasionally. We all do! Before assuming anger, check in with them gently about what you noticed.
If your therapist gets angry
If your therapist does express clear anger towards you, try not to get defensive:
- Listen calmly to understand where it’s coming from.
- Acknowledge their feelings non-judgmentally.
- Ask questions if you need clarification.
- Don’t blame yourself.
Talk it through, but if you don’t feel comfortable continuing with a therapist who gets angry, know it’s okay to switch providers.
When is anger justified?
There are rare situations where a therapist may show anger, especially if you:
- Violate agreed upon boundaries – Ex: showing up intoxicated to session
- Lie to them repeatedly
- Are abusive – verbally or physically
- Attempt to manipulate them – Ex: threatening self-harm if they don’t comply
Their anger may be a sign that they need to set clearer boundaries or even end the therapeutic relationship for everyone’s wellbeing.
Focus on you
You will make mistakes in therapy. You may say or do things you regret. A good therapist will respond professionally to guide you forward, not chastise you. Don’t let fear of anger prevent you from sharing openly.
Rather than worry about their reaction:
- Be honest about your feelings
- Apologize if you need to
- Discuss how to do better next time
- Keep focusing on your growth
This is your space. Own it.
When to get a new therapist
If anger issues disrupt your work together, it may be best to switch providers. Consider a change if your therapist:
- Gets angry often in general
- Seems triggered by certain topics or your behaviors Makes you feel unsafe or attacked
- Refuses to discuss their anger productively
You should feel cared for, understood, and respected by a therapist at all times. Don’t stay with one who can’t provide that.
Talk to them
The first step is being open about what you noticed. “I felt hurt when you raised your voice last session. Can we talk about that?” Give them a chance to explain or apologize.
If the issue persists, you can say you don’t feel it’s a good fit and need to switch therapists. A good provider will understand and support this choice.
When to report anger issues
If a therapist’s anger seems abusive, discriminatory, or dangerous, consider reporting them. Contact:
- Their licensing board
- The clinic/agency they work for
- Your insurance company, if relevant
You can report with or without giving your name. Sharing your experience may protect other clients.
Remember your rights
You have a right to:
- Feel safe with your therapist
- End therapy at any time for any reason
- Report unprofessional or unethical behavior
- File a complaint if boundaries are violated
- Give feedback and be heard with compassion
A therapist’s license depends on adhering to strict professional codes of conduct. You are not required to stay in an unhealthy or dangerous situation.
When anger might help
Are there times when a therapist expressing some anger may be productive? Possibly, if:
- It’s mild, controlled frustration not rage
- It’s in response to a boundary violation
- The focus stays on your wellbeing
- It leads to an open, nuanced conversation
- It sparks needed motivation to change
However, these situations are rare. Most therapists will refrain from anger and use other means to hold you accountable.
What about anger towards your therapist?
It’s very common and okay to sometimes feel anger or irritation towards your therapist. They are not perfect! Bring up these feelings to discuss openly:
- Explain why you felt angry in a calm tone
- Be specific about words/actions that sparked it
- Talk through how to handle similar situations better
- Be open to their perspective too
Processing conflict constructively strengthens your connection and leads to growth.
Use anger as insight
Anger directed at your therapist may reveal valuable insights about yourself. Explore these questions:
- Does this relate to anger directed at others in my life?
- What core feelings are beneath the anger – hurt? Abandonment?
- What unresolved issues from my past does this bring up?
- What vulnerabilities am I protecting?
Your therapist can guide you to uncover how anger ties into your mental health struggles. This can lead to huge breakthroughs!
When to let it go
While it’s good to be open, keep in mind your therapist is human and may make occasional minor mistakes:
- Forgetting a minor detail about you
- Being a few minutes late
- Seeming distracted once in a while
Before reacting in anger, consider whether the issue is significant enough to be worth discussing or if you can let it go.
Focus on feelings, not facts
When sharing anger with your therapist, talking details often backfires. Instead, focus on underlying feelings:
- “I felt hurt when you forgot my birthday” not “You forgot my birthday”
- “I’m feeling let down and disconnected today” not “You were 15 minutes late”
This helps the therapist understand the emotional impact and how to rebuild trust.
When to let your therapist go
If anger or loss of trust becomes a pattern in therapy, ending the relationship may be healthiest. Consider parting ways if:
- You fight constantly
- Your therapist seems burnt out or impatient
- Progress has stalled
- You dread going to sessions
A good fit feels safe, supportive, and productive. Don’t stay just out of habit or guilt.
Ending well
When it’s time to move on, aim to end the relationship considerately:
- Give them a few sessions notice if possible
- Explain your reasons for leaving calmly
- Summarize insights gained working together
- Share what type of therapist may be a better fit
- Ask for referrals if needed
This allows you both to gain closure. Your therapist wants to see you succeed, even if it’s with someone else.
When anger is progress
Feeling comfortable expressing anger or disappointment with your therapist can actually show therapeutic progress. It means you:
- Trust them enough to be vulnerable
- Are tuning into your emotions more
- Are setting boundaries around your needs
- Believe the relationship is strong enough to handle conflict
Hashing out anger constructively brings you closer and builds confidence.
Use sessions effectively
If you do get angry in therapy, use the time effectively by:
- Letting the therapist respond and reflect
- Being open to different perspectives
- Asking what changes are needed
- Suggesting solutions
- Ending on a cooperative note
Stay away from accusations, threats, or storming out. The goal is resolving, not “winning” the argument.
Conclusion
Anger sometimes arises in therapy, but should not be common on either side. You have a right to an emotionally safe, compassionate therapist. Yet also reflect on anger as an opportunity for growth and honesty. With care, patience and courage, anger can be transformed into deeper connection and healing.