The loss of a loved one is one of the most difficult experiences a person can go through. Grief is a natural reaction to loss, and the process of grieving is unique for each individual. Many models have been proposed to explain the common stages of grief, with the most well-known being the five stages of grief outlined by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. These five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. However, grief does not always progress neatly through each stage, and it is possible for a griever to skip stages entirely. In this article, we will explore whether it is possible to skip stages of grief and the factors that influence an individual’s grief response.
The five stages of grief
The five stages of grief were first introduced in 1969 by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book “On Death and Dying.” These stages include:
- Denial – The initial stage of denying or not fully accepting the loss.
- Anger – Feeling angry about the loss or unfairness of the situation.
- Bargaining – Attempting to negotiate or change the situation.
- Depression – Overwhelming feelings of sadness and sorrow.
- Acceptance – Coming to terms with the reality of the loss.
It’s important to note that these stages are not meant to be linear or predictable. People may move between stages repeatedly or experience just a few. Some may skip stages entirely. The stages are just a general framework for understanding some of the common reactions to grief.
Is it possible to skip stages of grief?
Yes, it is absolutely possible for a griever to skip one or more stages of grief. Grief is a highly personal experience, and there are many factors that influence how someone grieves. Here are some key reasons a griever may skip certain stages:
- Anticipated loss – If the loss was expected, such as a long illness, the griever may have already processed some reactions and started accepting the reality of the loss before it occurred.
- Relief – In some cases, especially after a long or difficult decline in health, the griever may feel more relief than grief, bypassing some of the intense anger, denial or depression stages.
- Personality and coping style – Some personalities are more likely to intellectualize grief and skip overt emotional reactivity. Others may seek out distractions and sublimate their feelings.
- Support system – Strong social support and secure attachments can help a griever adapt to a loss in a more steady way, skipping denial or anger.
- Prior experiences – Previous experiences with loss can make subsequent losses easier to process and accept.
- Cultural and religious beliefs – Faith, values and societal norms around grief can shape which stages predominate or are bypassed.
- Circumstances of the loss – Sudden, traumatic or ambiguous losses often lead to more complications and a non-linear pathway through grief.
The bottom line is that since every grieving process is unique, it is more than possible to skip one or more stages of the commonly understood grief cycle. The reasons for skipping a stage vary widely depending on the griever’s personality, background, culture, beliefs and circumstances of the loss.
Common stages people may skip
While any stage can potentially be skipped, there are a few that seem more likely to be bypassed by grievers:
Denial – Some grievers, especially those experiencing an anticipated loss, may already have accepted the inevitable before the death. They may view death as a relief for their loved one’s suffering and skip right to sadness rather than denying the reality.
Anger – Anger often arises from a sense that the death was unfair or untimely. But for an older adult who led a full life, there may be less anger about the loss. Anger may also be tempered by philosophical, spiritual or religious outlooks.
Bargaining – Bargaining reflects a desire to postpone or prevent the loss. If grievers have already come to accept the inevitability of death, they may be less likely to dwell in the bargaining stage.
Depression – Some grievers experience sadness without spiraling into the immobilizing despair suggested by depression. Their resilience, faith or prior experiences with loss may help them adapt.
But again, these are just common patterns. Any stage can be skipped depending on the unique circumstances. The key is not judging or invalidating someone else’s grief response if it does not follow a predictable progression through each stage.
Does skipping stages prolong grief?
There is no evidence that skipping one or more stages prolongs the grieving process. In fact, some studies suggest that people who skip certain stages may adapt better and find their way through grief more rapidly.
For example, researchers studying spousal loss found that those who did not experience anger were more likely to show patterns of resilient coping and growth after their loss. Other studies show that people who intellectually accept a loss immediately tend to move through grief faster than those who are mired in denial or anger.
Ultimately the duration and progression through grief has more to do with the griever’s personality, coping mechanisms, social support and the circumstances of the loss. Skipping some stages does not necessarily indicate suppressed or unresolved grief. Nor does it predict complicated or prolonged bereavement. As long as the person feels their grief is adequately processed, there is likely no cause for concern.
Tips for coping when you skip stages
If you recognize that you are skipping one or more common stages of grief, here are some tips that may help you through the process:
- Allow yourself to grieve in your own way – Don’t force emotions or reactions that aren’t there.
- Talk to others who knew the deceased to share memories and process the loss.
- Find meaningful rituals to honor the deceased, like donating to a favored cause.
- Express your grief through creative outlets – writing, art, music, poetry.
- Take care of your physical health with good self-care habits.
- Seek counseling if you feel stuck, numb or concerned about your grief.
Remember that skipping stages is normal and does not indicate a problem. Focus on what feels natural to you, while still creating space to honor the loss in meaningful ways.
When to seek help
While skipping stages is not necessarily concerning, it is important to seek professional help if:
- You are unable to accept the reality of the loss months later.
- Numbness or emptiness persist without relief.
- Destructive behaviors, substance abuse or recklessness increase.
- Relationships, work or daily functioning are negatively impacted.
- Loss of purpose, suicidal thoughts or intense loneliness predominate.
- Physical symptoms like appetite changes, sleep disruption or fatigue worsen.
Any of these could signal complicated bereavement or depression that requires counseling or grief therapy. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help.
Conclusion
Grief is a highly unique and personal process. While some patterns like the five stages of grief are commonly seen, there is significant variation in how different people grieve. It is absolutely possible to skip one or more stages, especially denial, anger, bargaining and even depression.
Skipping stages does not prolong grief or imply suppressed emotions. The reasons for skipping stages are multifaceted and relate to personality, culture, support systems, and circumstances of the loss. If you recognize your own grief skips certain stages, be self-compassionate. Focus on authentic expressions of grief that work for you. Seek counseling only if difficult symptoms persist and impede your ability to function. Allowing yourself to grieve in your own way will ultimately help you adapt to the loss at your own pace.