What is a trauma bond?
A trauma bond refers to the strong emotional attachment that can form between two people when one person intermittently harms and helps the other. It typically develops between a victim and their abuser in an abusive relationship. The abuser often uses tactics like gaslighting, intermittent reinforcement through reward and punishment, and manipulative abuse cycles to keep the victim bonded to them through trauma. This creates an addictive attachment for the victim as they become conditioned to seek their abuser’s affection.
Some key characteristics of trauma bonds include:
- Feeling addicted to the relationship, even though it is harmful
- Feeling like you need your partner, even if they mistreat you
- Feeling insecure, anxious, or unable to leave when apart from your partner
- Making excuses for your partner’s abusive behavior
- Repeating the cycle of abuse, reconciliation, and calmness multiple times
Trauma bonds are often seen in abusive relationships like domestic violence, narcissistic abuse, and Stockholm syndrome situations. The repeated trauma of the abuse cycle creates changes in the victim’s brain chemistry, conditioning them to crave the validation of their abuser. This makes it very difficult for the victim to leave, even when the relationship is objectively unhealthy.
Why do trauma bonds form?
There are several psychological mechanisms through which trauma bonds form:
Intermittent reinforcement: The abuser provides occasional affection or positive reinforcement amidst the abuse. This random “reward” powerfully reinforces the trauma bond, similar to how unpredictable rewards strengthen addiction in gambling. The victim becomes hooked on seeking those positive moments of connection with their abuser.
Power imbalance: The abuser asserts dominance and control in the relationship. Over time, this causes the victim to become dependent on their abuser who makes them feel insecure and powerless on their own.
Sense of obligation: The abuser may also do nice things for the victim or provide for their material needs. This can make the victim feel obligated to stand by their abuser.
Shared trauma: Going through repeated abuse together forms a warped sense of a shared bond and intimacy. The victim feels their abuser is the only one who understands their trauma.
Self-blame: Victims are often made to feel the abuse is their fault, making them try harder to improve the relationship.
Hope for change: During the honeymoon phase, the abuser promises change and gives hope the abuse will end. This keeps the victim invested.
Can a relationship with trauma bonding become healthy?
It takes tremendous work, but it is possible for a relationship with trauma bonding to heal into a healthy union. Some key steps include:
1. Recognize the trauma bond: The first step is for both people to acknowledge the relationship has become unhealthy due to trauma bonding. This requires honesty, self-awareness, and a willingness to change from both partners.
2. Commit to complete relationship reset: They must commit to letting go of past resentments and patterns and starting fresh in the relationship. This means no more manipulation, abuse, score-keeping, or power plays from the past.
3. Therapy: Extensive individual and couples counseling is vital to identify and heal the psychological wounds fuelling the trauma bond. This can re-wire the maladaptive conditioning.
4. Set boundaries: Healthy boundaries need to be mutually agreed upon and enforced. This helps re-balance control in the relationship.
5. Build intimacy and trust: Creating true intimacy based on mutual love, respect, and understanding will slowly start to replace the false trauma-based bond.
6. Amend behaviors: The abusive partner must take full responsibility and put active effort into correcting their manipulative behaviors. The victim also needs to work on insecure attachment styles.
7. Be patient and vigilant: Healing trauma takes time. Both partners must be patient and watchful for relapses into old dynamics. Ongoing counseling provides external support.
Is it worth trying to heal a trauma bonded relationship?
This depends on various factors:
– Severity of the abuse: Emotional abuse may be overcome with work, but extreme physical or sexual abuse is likely too traumatizing to recover from.
– Commitment to change: Recovery is only possible if both partners are completely committed to transforming the relationship and their personal behaviors.
– Self-esteem of the victim: The victim needs enough self-worth to recognize they deserve better treatment. Otherwise, they may cling onto an abusive relationship.
– Damaged trust: It may simply be too difficult to rebuild genuine trust and intimacy after severe betrayal trauma.
– Time and resources for therapy: Trauma bonds require extensive professional counseling to break – which both partners need to fully commit to.
– Willingness to walk away if needed: The victim must be ready to leave the relationship if it continues being unhealthy, dangerous, or emotionally damaging.
So in some circumstances like very mild abuse, mutual desire for change, and proper support systems, a trauma bonded relationship can potentially heal into something stable. But in many cases, the damage is simply too deep – making it safest for the victim to walk away and begin fresh.
When is it time to let go of the relationship?
It’s time to let go of a trauma bonded relationship if:
- The abuse escalates in frequency or severity
- The abuser refuses to take responsibility or change their behavior
- The relationship becomes dangerous to your physical safety, mental health, or self-esteem
- Trust between you is completely broken with no signs of repair
- You have given it your best effort without seeing real change
- You feel emptier, more anxious, confused, or depressed due to the relationship
- The relationship is preventing you from healing or moving forward in life
At some point, you have to decide enough is enough. Walking away takes immense courage but is necessary to break free of the trauma bondage. Your safety, well-being, and inner peace matter.
Healthy relationship habits to cultivate after trauma bonding
If you do leave a trauma bonded relationship, be very careful of falling into similar dynamics again. Take time for self-reflection and work on developing healthy relationship habits for the future. Some positive habits to cultivate include:
1. Strong boundaries: Know your limits and deal-breakers. Be ready to speak up or walk away if someone crosses them.
2. Self-care: Focus on your own growth and healing. Don’t lose yourself trying to fix others.
3. Open communication: Share your authentic thoughts and feelings. Avoid hints, passive aggression, score-keeping, or sudden breakups.
4. Security in yourself: Build your self-confidence and sense of identity outside of any relationship.
5. Mutual respect: Only stay with partners who treat you as an equal and with kindness.
6. Slow pace: Take time to really know someone’s character before getting highly attached.
7. Support system: Maintain close platonic relationships so you don’t rely solely on romantic ones.
8. Self-soothing skills: Find healthy ways to cope with difficult emotions without needing another’s validation.
9. Deal with red flags: At the first sign of mistreatment, communicate or be ready to let go. Don’t make excuses.
10. Therapy if needed: Seek professional help to identify and heal emotional wounds or maladaptive patterns in yourself. This can prevent you from subconsciously repeating harmful dynamics.
In Summary
Trauma bonding is a dangerous emotional attachment that can form between an abuser and victim in abusive relationships. It occurs due to psychological mechanisms like intermittent reinforcement and a warped sense of intimacy born through shared trauma. Such trauma bonds can become very difficult to break free from. However, with tremendous self-work, mutual commitment to change, and professional help, it is possible for such a relationship to heal into something healthy. But realistically, that level of change is rare. In many cases, it is safest for the victim to gather their courage and walk away from the relationship that continues keeping them trapped in trauma. Seeking help to identify and heal their own underlying wounds or patterns can prevent repetition of such dynamics. With time, resilience, and the right therapeutic support, it is possible to break trauma’s after-effects and build relationships based on genuine love, trust, and equality instead.