Being in a relationship with an insecure partner can be challenging. Insecurity can manifest in different ways, from jealousy and controlling behaviors to constant reassurance-seeking and doubts about the relationship. While insecurity does not have to doom a relationship, it does require extra work and communication from both people involved. Ultimately, whether you can have a healthy relationship with an insecure person comes down to the willingness and ability of both people to address the insecurity constructively.
What causes insecurity in relationships?
There are a few common causes of insecurity in romantic relationships:
- Past relationship trauma – Being cheated on, lied to, or abused by previous partners can undermine someone’s ability to trust.
- Low self-esteem – Feeling unworthy of love can lead to doubts and jealousy.
- Attachment style – People with anxious attachment styles may constantly worry about abandonment.
- Mental health issues – Conditions like depression or anxiety can contribute to negative thought patterns.
- Unmet needs – Feeling like your needs for affection, attention, etc. aren’t being met can brew insecurity.
Often, a combination of factors leads someone to feel insecure. While in many cases the person did not choose to be insecure, it remains their responsibility in relationships.
How can you support an insecure partner?
If you’re dating someone with insecurity, here are some tips to help them feel supported while also setting healthy boundaries:
- Be patient and empathetic – Remember, this is their issue to work through.
- Offer reassurance when needed – But don’t enable constant reassurance-seeking.
- Validate their feelings – Let them know it’s okay to feel insecure sometimes.
- Don’t take things personally – Insecurity often makes people overreact.
- Encourage them seek help – Therapy can give coping techniques.
- Set boundaries around controlling behaviors – You deserve privacy and freedom.
- Reinforce your commitment – Verbalize your dedication to the relationship.
- Point out negative thought patterns – Kindly challenge irrational worries.
- Make them feel loved and appreciated – Boosting their self-esteem can help.
What are signs of unhealthy insecurity?
There are some behaviors that cross the line from regular insecurity to unhealthy insecurity that damages the relationship:
- Extreme jealousy over harmless interactions
- Accusing you of cheating with no evidence
- Going through your phone, emails, accounts without permission
- Isolating you from friends and family
- Needing to know your whereabouts at all times
- Making you “prove” your love and loyalty
- Verbal threats related to their insecurity
- Physically preventing you from leaving an argument
These are signs your partner’s insecurity has reached a toxic level. You deserve to feel trusted and have your boundaries respected. Healthy relationships are built on mutual trust, respect, and security – not obsessive control.
How can you put up boundaries around their insecurity?
While supporting a partner struggling with insecurity, it’s essential to maintain your own boundaries. Some ways to do this include:
- Communicate which behaviors feel controlling or smothering
- Reinforce trust needs to go both ways in the relationship
- Don’t tolerate accusations, yelling, or other verbal abuse
- Keep parts of your life that are just for you (hobbies, friends, etc.)
- Limit how much reassurance you provide
- Let them know which spaces and accounts are private for you
- Check in on your own needs and whether they’re being met
- Acknowledge you can’t “fix” their insecurity – only they can
- Be prepared to walk away if unhealthy behaviors don’t change
Consider seeing a couples counselor who can help mediate setting these boundaries. Boundaries aren’t about control – they’re about mutual respect.
When does insecurity become emotional abuse?
There’s an important line between regular insecurity and emotional abuse. Here are some signs a partner’s insecurity has crossed into emotional abuse territory:
- They criticize you and undermine your self-esteem
- They isolate you from family and friends
- They don’t allow you privacy or independence
- They use threats or anger to control you
- They blame you for their feelings of insecurity
- The relationship revolves around their insecurity
- You feel like you’re constantly “walking on eggshells”
- You apologize and change your behavior to avoid their reactions
- They use their insecurity to justify hurtful words or actions
If your partner uses their insecurity to manipulate, isolate, or control you, it has gone beyond healthy levels. Emotional abuse takes a tremendous toll on mental health and undermines your self-worth. No one deserves to be treated that way – if you see these unhealthy patterns, consider seeking help.
How can you tell if the relationship is salvageable?
It can be hard to know whether to keep trying with an insecure partner or call it quits. Here are some signs the relationship could be worth saving:
- They acknowledge their insecurity is a problem
- They take responsibility for managing their insecurity
- They give heartfelt apologies for hurtful behaviors
- They are actively working to change their behaviors (therapy, self-help)
- They respect your boundaries when you enforce them
- You see gradual improvement in their jealousy and control
- They show genuine care and support for you outside their insecurity
- You have open, honest communication about the issues
Without taking responsibility and making effort to change, insecurity will likely keep damaging the relationship. But if both people are committed to growth, it is possible for love to prevail – with some work.
When is it time to leave an insecure partner?
As much as you may care for them, you do have a breaking point. Here are some signs it may be time to end things:
- Your mental health is deteriorating
- The relationship doesn’t make you happy
- You’re constantly walking on eggshells
- Your feelings/needs always come second
- They cross serious boundaries like cheating or violence
- They blame you for their behavior
- They show no interest in changing
- You don’t feel safe being vulnerable around them
- You feel smothered and controlled
Being patient and communicating is important – but don’t stay if you’ve reached an impasse. At a certain point, you may have to choose your own well-being over the relationship. Trust your instincts – you deserve to feel secure and valued in love.
How can you leave securely?
If leaving feels like the healthiest choice, here are tips for doing so securely:
- Tell trusted friends/family about your plans to leave
- Line up an alternate place to stay
- Wait until they are not home to collect your things
- If possible, have someone with you when you leave
- Communicate the breakup in a public setting
- Cut contact and block them on all platforms
- Consider changing locks if they had keys
- Don’t meet up later for further discussion
- Seek support to process the end of the relationship
Leaving a long-term relationship is difficult no matter what – be compassionate with yourself. Surround yourself with loved ones and know you made the best decision for your well-being.
Conclusion
Insecurity in relationships takes work, compromise, and commitment from both people to overcome. While supporting an insecure partner, don’t forget to protect your own boundaries and needs. With open communication, professional help, and willingness to grow, it is possible to build a healthy relationship and find security together. But the process won’t be easy – and if serious change doesn’t happen, leaving may be the healthiest option for your own happiness and self-esteem.