A sexless marriage is typically defined as one in which a couple has sex less than 10 times per year. For many couples, lack of intimacy can significantly strain the marriage and lead to feelings of dissatisfaction, sadness, anger, or resentment. When a sexless marriage persists over time, one or both partners may start to consider divorce as an option.
How common are sexless marriages?
Research estimates that around 15-20% of married couples are in a sexless relationship. Some studies suggest an even higher rate of sexless marriages:
| Study | Estimated Rate of Sexless Marriages |
|---|---|
| 1994 National Health and Social Life Survey | 20% |
| 2017 American Sexual Behavior Study | 15% |
| Kinsey Institute survey | 30-40% |
While the exact estimates vary, the consistent finding across studies is that a significant minority of married couples are having sex less than 10 times per year. Sexless marriages are very common.
What causes a sexless marriage?
There are many potential reasons that intimacy and sexual activity decline in a marriage, including:
Mismatched sex drives
Partners may have differing levels of sexual desire. Mismatched libidos can lead one partner to initiate less and the other to feel rejected.
Physical health problems
Health conditions like erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness, chronic pain, or disability can directly impact sexual function and frequency. Medications and treatments can also interfere with sex drive.
Mental health issues
Conditions like depression, anxiety, trauma, and body image issues may reduce interest in sex. Some medications used to treat mental health can also affect libido.
Prioritizing children over couple time
The demands of parenthood like breastfeeding, lack of childcare, and focus on children’s needs can diminish energy and opportunity for sex.
Communication issues
Partners may avoid discussing needs, desires, and problems. Poor communication about sex leaves issues unaddressed.
Anger, resentment, or unresolved conflicts
Built-up anger, lingering resentment over issues, and constant conflict can undermine emotional intimacy and sexual connection.
Infidelity or betrayal
Discovering an affair or other major betrayal can severely damage the trust required for physical intimacy.
Body image concerns
Struggles with weight, aging, changes after childbirth, or comparing to media ideals can result in sexual avoidance.
Work and lifestyle stress
Exhaustion, lack of time alone, and life stresses like financial strain or careers demands can impair intimacy.
Routine and lack of novelty
Familiarity and falling into repetitive sexual habits can increase boredom and reduce excitement.
Lack of emotional intimacy
Without enough affection, closeness, and companionship in the relationship, the desire for physical intimacy may fade.
Psychological factors
Past sexual trauma, strict upbringing, inner conflicts over sex, or sexual orientation may inhib
Impacts of a sexless marriage
While some couples are content with minimal or no sex, for many, a sexless marriage has significant emotional consequences:
Lower self-esteem and body image
Constant sexual rejection from a partner can damage self-confidence and make someone feel undesirable or flawed.
Increased frustration and arguments
Mismatched libidos and lack of physical connection often generates frustration that spills into other areas of the relationship.
Increased risk of infidelity
One or both partners may be more vulnerable to seeking physical intimacy outside the marriage.
Emotional detachment and isolation
Partners may start to feel distant, lonely, unloved, and uncared for when physical intimacy disappears.
Depression and anxiety
Rejection, isolation, and hopelessness resulting from a sexless marriage can contribute to developing mood disorders.
Feeling trapped
Partners who remain sexually unfulfilled but otherwise want to stay married may feel trapped in the relationship.
Anger and resentment
When sexual needs go unmet for long periods of time, feelings of anger, resentment, or bitterness may result.
Marital instability
Sexual dissatisfaction is correlated with increased risk of separation and divorce. Sexless marriages have lower marital quality.
When is lack of sex grounds for divorce?
A sexless marriage is not considered an automatic or easy cause for divorce. However, it can be grounds for divorce in some cases:
Constructive abandonment
If one partner unilaterally cuts off sexual relations against the other’s wishes, this may meet criteria for “constructive abandonment,” allowing the unwanted partner to seek divorce.
Cruelty
Denying intimacy to inflict emotional distress may be considered mental cruelty, which is grounds for at-fault divorce in some states.
Adultery
If the sexless nature of the marriage leads one partner to cheat, the infidelity can give grounds to the other spouse for divorce.
Irreconcilable differences
If both spouses agree the marriage is unsalvageable due to sexual issues, they can divorce citing irreconcilable differences in states allowing this no-fault option.
However, if the sexless marriage results from a medical condition, this may not be adequate grounds for divorce, as illness is not under a person’s control.
Can a sexless marriage be saved?
Before opting for divorce, many couples attempt to restore intimacy and improve their sexless marriage first. Some ways to potentially rekindle physical connection include:
Communication exercises
Practicing active listening, emotionally focused dialogues, and sharing feelings and needs around sex.
Reconnecting through non-sexual touch
Cuddling, gentle massage, hugging, and other affection without the pressure of intercourse.
Date nights and couples activities
Spending fun quality time together to nourish the relationship.
Adding variety to lovemaking
Trying new sexual positions, locations, toys, role playing, and exploration of fantasies.
Medical or therapeutic interventions
Seeking help for any underlying physical or mental health issues contributing to the sex problems.
Prioritizing sex and intimacy
Making physical connection a consistent priority rather than allowing distractions.
Resetting unrealistic expectations
Letting go of excessive romantic ideals about sexual frequency that set the bar too high.
Focusing on overall relationship health
Strengthening the quality of the marriage in and out of the bedroom.
Acceptance and compromise
Learning to live with differences in desire while still finding compromise that satisfies both partners enough.
Conclusion
While lack of physical intimacy poses a significant challenge in marriage, it does not have to mean the end. Many couples are able to improve their sex lives when they address the underlying issues together with openness, patience, and willingness to explore. However, if both spouses ultimately feel the problems are irresolvable and leaving the marriage is the right choice, then the sexless state of their relationship can contribute to grounds for divorce. With effort and commitment, some sexless marriages can regain connection, but when partners are emotionally past the point of no return, moving forward with divorce may be the healthier option.