Trauma, especially in childhood, can have lasting impacts on a person’s personality and behavior. One common effect is becoming a “people pleaser” – someone who feels compelled to seek approval from others, has difficulty setting boundaries, and struggles to say no. This often stems from a deep subconscious fear of rejection or abandonment rooted in the original trauma. While the desire to avoid conflict can be seen as a positive trait, people pleasing due to trauma often crosses into unhealthy territory.
What is trauma?
Trauma is defined as any disturbing or distressing event that overwhelms a person’s ability to cope and leaves them with lasting psychological and physiological effects. Trauma can occur from a single event or prolonged exposure to stressors over time. Examples include:
- Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse
- Neglect
- Natural disasters
- Serious injuries or illnesses
- Witnessing violence or death
- War experiences
Trauma that happens in childhood can be particularly damaging since a child’s brain is still developing. Without proper support, the child may encode maladaptive patterns of thinking and relating to others.
How childhood trauma impacts personality development
Childhood trauma interferes with the development of a cohesive, stable sense of self. Children experience the world through their relationships and derive a sense of safety and acceptance from caregivers. When caregivers are abusive, neglectful, or inconsistent, the child’s worldview becomes centered on avoiding rejection at all costs.
In particular, childhood trauma disrupts the formation of secure attachment between child and caregiver. Children adapt in these insecure environments by becoming hypervigilant about reading cues and meeting others’ needs. They may compulsively seek to please as a survival mechanism.
Effects of insecure attachment from childhood trauma:
- Heightened fear of rejection/abandonment
- Poor understanding of boundaries
- Difficulty identifying own needs/wants
- Low self-worth and lack of identity
- Approval-seeking behavior
- High attunement to others’ needs and emotions
These effects help explain why childhood trauma survivors often become people pleasers later in life. The underlying insecurity persists even once they are objectively safe.
Characteristics of people pleasing due to trauma
People who struggle with compulsive people pleasing tend to share certain traits and behaviors:
Saying “yes” when they want to say “no”
They have trouble declining requests from others and asserting their own needs. This extends to everything from small favors to sexual consent.
Over-apologizing
They habitually apologize for inconsequential things. This stems from a hypervigilance about possibly offending others.
Overexplaining themselves
They feel compelled to provide lengthy justifications or backstories in response to the slightest criticism. This reveals a deep sensitivity to disapproval.
Chameleon behavior
They morph their personality to become what they think others want. This comes from an unstable sense of self.
Difficulty identifying their own preferences
Years of focusing excessively on others’ needs can leave people unsure of what they truly want. They may struggle making even simple decisions.
Seeking validation from others
They have an extreme dependence on praise, reassurance, and validation from others to feel OK.
Difficulty accepting compliments
They deflect or downplay praise. This relates to low self-esteem and denial of their accomplishments.
High empathy and emotional intuition
They tend to be very attuned to others’ emotions as a result of emotional hypervigilance. However, they often struggle with emotional regulation themselves.
Passive communication style
They avoid asserting needs directly and tend to phrase requests very indirectly or apologetically.
How people pleasing perpetuates trauma
People pleasing traits give the illusion of strength and hide deep insecurities. However, always surrendering one’s own needs can re-traumatize in several ways:
- Enables abuse/toxic behavior from others
- Reinforces core shame, low self-worth
- Leads to secrecy, emotional repression
- Creates feelings of powerlessness
- Causes chronic stress from poor boundaries
Saying “yes” when we want to say “no” means betraying ourselves over and over. We teach others that our feelings don’t matter – only theirs do. This recapitulates the original trauma of being disregarded in childhood. It prolongs the vicious cycle.
Breaking the cycle of people pleasing
The good news is that we can heal from our core wounds through awareness and reprogramming our habits. Here are some tips:
Increase self-awareness
Notice when you fall into people pleasing behaviors. Ask yourself why you felt the need to do that. What story are you telling yourself?
Get comfortable with saying “no”
Practice declining small requests you can easily refuse. Build up to bigger asks. Remember that saying “no” is not selfish – it shows you value yourself.
Set healthy boundaries
Decide what behavior you will and won’t accept from others. Communicate those boundaries clearly. Enforce them, even if it’s uncomfortable at first.
Focus on your own needs
Tune into your feelings and preferences in the moment. Don’t automatically default to what the other person wants.
Examine core beliefs
Our deeply-held assumptions drive behavior. Consider if beliefs like “I don’t deserve love” or “I am worthless if people don’t approve of me” are running your life.
Practice self-validation
Rather than depending on others for approval, work on encouraging yourself. Be your own best cheerleader.
Get professional help
Therapy is very beneficial for untangling trauma, building self-esteem, and learning new relational habits. Look for a trauma-informed therapist.
Conclusion
People pleasing tendencies often arise when childhood trauma strikes at a young age and disrupts healthy development. While pleasing others can appear to be a strength, taken to an extreme, it is detrimental to wellbeing. It is possible to break free of the exhausting cycle by rebuilding secure attachment with oneself and others. There is no need to keep abandoning your own needs to avoid rejection – you are worthy of love exactly as you are.