Narcissism is a personality trait characterized by a sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a need for attention and admiration. Narcissists tend to have an inflated sense of self and often come across as arrogant or haughty. They tend to pursue status, power and prestige and often take advantage of others to achieve their goals. Many people wonder – can narcissists have loving relationships or show genuine care and affection for others? This article will explore whether narcissists are capable of love.
What is narcissism?
Narcissism exists on a spectrum, with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) at the extreme end. The latest edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders lists nine criteria for NPD, including:
- An exaggerated sense of self-importance
- A preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love
- A belief they are special and unique and should only associate with other special or high-status people
- A need for excessive admiration
- A sense of entitlement and expectation of special treatment
- Exploitation of others for personal gain
- A lack of empathy
- Envy of others or belief others are envious of them
- Arrogant or haughty behaviors and attitudes
Many narcissists do not meet the clinical threshold for NPD but still exhibit some narcissistic traits and behaviors. These could include vanity, self-absorption, a tendency to dominate conversations, and a belief in their own superiority.
Do narcissists struggle with intimacy?
Yes, narcissists often struggle with emotional intimacy in relationships. There are several reasons for this:
- Their sense of entitlement leads them to demand affection and praise rather than earn it.
- They see their partners as extensions of themselves rather than separate individuals.
- They lack empathy and struggle to understand their partner’s needs.
- They crave admiration and validation which crowds out emotional intimacy.
- They can be controlling and unwilling to compromise.
Narcissists focus on their own needs and agenda in relationships. They want an adoring, compliant partner rather than an equal, which prevents true intimacy. Their criticism and demands create distance. They see relationships in transactional terms, exchanging affection for validation. This prevents the reciprocity and vulnerability of loving bonds.
Do narcissists love bomb?
Yes, love bombing is a common tactic used by narcissists early in relationships. Love bombing involves lavishing a partner with flattery, gifts, affection and promises for the future. The goal is to quickly foster dependence so the narcissist can gain control. This love bombing often ends abruptly once the narcissist feels confident in the relationship, replaced by withdrawal, criticism or abuse.
Some signs a narcissist is love bombing include:
- Excessive flattery and praise, putting you on a pedestal
- Bombarding you with messages, calls and dates
- Sharing intimate details about their life very quickly
- Making grand gestures like expensive gifts or elaborate dates
- Talking about the future as a couple very early on
- Wanting to see you and be in contact constantly
This idealization is not rooted in real love but is a means to an end for the narcissist. It often leaves the recipient feeling pressured, burdened or unsettled.
Can narcissists fall in love?
Narcissists are capable of falling intensely in love – but their version of love differs greatly from how others experience it. There are a few key ways narcissistic love differs:
- Their love is founded on idealization rather than true intimacy.
- It’s self-serving rather than selfless.
- It’s possessive rather than empowering.
- It’s contingent on external validation rather than core security.
Narcissists love their partners as extensions of themselves or for how the relationship bolsters their ego. However, they struggle to love someone for who they are. Their ‘love’ often comes with expectations of reciprocation and conditions to be met. It centers around getting rather than giving.
Some narcissists mistake obsession or jealousy for love. They may believe themselves ‘madly in love’ when it is actually anxiety about abandonment or a threatened ego. This volatility makes their version of love quite tenuous and prone to sudden downswings.
Do narcissists struggle with commitment?
Many narcissists do struggle with long-term commitment in relationships for a few reasons:
- They abhor routine and can grow bored easily.
- Their sense of entitlement makes them constantly seek a ‘better deal.’
- Their egos demand constant positive attention and validation.
- They resent obligations and avoid things that restrict their freedom.
- They struggle with trust and often cheat or self-sabotage.
Narcissists crave the excitement of the pursuit. Once in a stable relationship, they may miss the validation and attention they enjoyed from chasing new partners. They start seeking it elsewhere. While they desperately want a relationship, they chafe against the constraints. Their own needs always come first – leaving little room for their partner’s.
However, some narcissists are adept at securing stable long-term partners. They achieve this through love bombing and manipulation. The right amount of validation, lavish gestures and intermittent reinforcement can make the relationship rewarding enough to continue.
Can narcissists change for someone they love?
It’s extremely difficult for narcissists to fundamentally change even for someone they love. There are several obstacles that make change unlikely:
- They lack self-awareness and don’t believe they have flaws.
- They feel entitled to behave as they wish.
- They struggle to empathize with their partner’s perspective.
- They resent perceived restrictions on their freedom.
- They crave validation of their false self.
A narcissist may temporarily alter some behaviors if sufficiently motivated. But their core traits are rigid and entrenched. Lasting change requires painful self-reflection, accountability, empathy and relinquishing their sense of superiority and entitlement. This level of change is rare without extensive therapy.
For most, their narcissism is too central to their identity. They will twist reality to rationalize their behaviors rather than confront difficult truths. Some may feign change to stabilize a relationship. But more often a narcissist will opt to find a new partner who strokes rather than challenges their ego.
Can a relationship with a narcissist work?
It’s possible but very challenging to make a relationship with a narcissist work long-term. Some key factors include:
- Managing expectations around intimacy, knowing it will likely remain shallow.
- Providing consistent validation of their inflated self-image.
- Allowing them freedom and space when needed.
- Focusing on their positive traits like charisma and ambition.
- Not expecting true reciprocity, compromise or maturity when resolving conflicts.
The partner must have abundant self-esteem, strong boundaries, independence, emotional resilience and minimal needs for true intimacy. It requires stoically enduring criticism, entitlement and mood swings without protest. For most, the sacrifices outweigh potential rewards.
Leaving is very difficult due to dependence built via trauma bonding. Therapy helps partners accept they didn’t cause the issues and can’t control or cure the narcissism. All energy spent trying to please the narcissist or prove worth is wasted. The key is focusing on self-care and wellbeing.
In summary
Narcissists have a limited capacity to healthily love or meet their partner’s needs. Their version of love is tainted with entitlement, possession and ego. While they intensely pursue relationships, they resent reciprocity expectations. Their focus remains on themselves. For most people, the painful costs of a relationship with a narcissist outweigh the fleeting rewards.