Many people wonder if it’s possible for men to be content in a sexless relationship. For some men, lack of sex may not be an issue, while for others it can lead to frustration, resentment, or infidelity. There are several factors that contribute to whether or not men can be satisfied in sexless relationships.
What is considered a sexless relationship?
Experts define a sexless relationship as one in which couples have sex 10 times or fewer per year. This amounts to having sex less than once per month on average. By this definition, an estimated 15-20% of couples are in sexless marriages.
While what counts as a sexless relationship is somewhat subjective, the most commonly used timeframe is when couples have not had sex with each other in the past 6 months to 1 year.
What are common reasons relationships become sexless?
There are many potential causes of sexless relationships, including:
- Mismatched libidos – One partner desires sex much less frequently than the other
- Medical conditions – Health problems like erectile dysfunction or pain during sex
- Medications – Some medications dampen libido as a side effect
- Psychological issues – Mental health conditions like depression or stress can reduce sex drive
- Physical separation – Jobs requiring travel or long distances between partners
- Relationship problems – Lack of emotional intimacy, unresolved conflicts, or infidelity
- Age – Sex drives often decline naturally as people get older
- Childbirth and child-rearing – Being parents can lead to exhaustion and lack of time for intimacy
Often it’s a combination of factors that lead to sex diminishing in relationships over time. The natural decline of hormones, the stresses of work and family life, and lack of prioritization of sex by one or both partners play key roles.
How common are sexless relationships?
Various studies estimate that anywhere from 15-30% of couples are in sexless marriages. However, the prevalence increases with age. According to research from the University of Chicago:
- 15% of couples in their 20s are sexless
- 27% in their 40s
- 28% in their 50s
- 34% in their 60s
This data indicates that while sexless relationships occur at any age, they are most common among middle-aged and older couples. Reasons include declining hormones, onset of health conditions, exhaustion from work/family responsibilities, and decreased priority of sex at older ages.
How men feel about sexless relationships
Men have a wide variety of perspectives when it comes to sexless marriages. Some main considerations include:
Sexual desire and frustration
In general, men tend to have higher libidos than women, especially as they age. Sex drive is impacted by testosterone levels, which remain high in most men but drop dramatically for women after menopause. Given this, men are more likely to be dissatisfied when sex disappears in a relationship. Lack of sex can leave men feeling frustrated, rejected, and undesired by their partner.
However, libido varies significantly between individuals. Some men may be perfectly content with little to no sex, while others consider it essential for intimacy and connection in the relationship.
Intimacy and connection
For many men, sex represents an important means of maintaining intimacy, attachment, and bonding with their partner. When sex fades, some may struggle to feel close and connected in the relationship without physical intimacy.
However, some men may feel they can preserve intimacy through other forms of affection like cuddling, holding hands, giving massages, etc. Non-sexual intimacy may be sufficient depending on the individual.
Affirmation
Sex can affirm a sense of masculinity and make men feel desired by their partner. In sexless marriages, some men may feel insecure and unattractive without this form of affirmation. Especially for those whose self-esteem is more contingent on sexual validation, lack of sex can be a major blow.
On the other hand, men who derive their self-worth from multiple areas of life may be less affected by not getting sexual affirmation from their partner. Their identity and confidence rests on other pillars besides sexuality alone.
Infidelity
Insufficient sex is one of the top reasons men report cheating on their spouses. The temptation to have an affair can be very strong for those whose sexual needs aren’t being met within their marriage. Infidelity does not have to be the answer, but for some men the urge may be very difficult to resist.
However, many men in sexless marriages remain faithful by upholding their integrity and commitment to the relationship. They derive meaning through other areas of life, communicate openly with their partner, or attend counseling when needed.
Coping strategies for men in sexless relationships
If men hope to stay satisfied long-term in a sexless marriage, certain coping strategies and lifestyle changes may help:
Communication
Openly communicating feelings, needs and desires with a partner is key. Understanding each other’s perspectives can help identify compromises or solutions. Therapy or counseling provides a safe environment for working through intimacy issues.
Adjusting expectations
Adapting to the new normal of less frequent sex may require managing expectations around intimacy. Some men may need to focus more on quality over quantity.
Alternate forms of intimacy
Developing non-sexual intimacy through acts like cuddling, massage, warm conversation and thoughtful gestures can foster closeness. Physical and emotional intimacy don’t have to be dependent on sex alone.
Solo activities
Taking matters into one’s own hands through self-pleasure or watching pornography can provide sexual release. However, it shouldn’t replace partnered sex completely long-term.
Focus on other passions
Investing time and energy into hobbies, friendships, career goals or causes that provide meaning and purpose can fulfill men in lieu of sex. A diverse sense of identity empowers men in sexless relationships.
Medical support
If sexual issues are due to erectile dysfunction, low testosterone or other medical problems, seeking professional help is wise. Treatment of underlying conditions may resolve some intimacy issues.
Relationship counseling
Therapy helps get to the root of sexual concerns on a relationship level. Counseling provides tools to enhance emotional intimacy, affection, communication, and/or sex directly.
Consider opening the relationship
For some couples, permitting sex outside the relationship or “outsourcing” sexual activity can be a mutually acceptable compromise. However, clear boundaries and ongoing communication are imperative.
Are sexless relationships healthy?
Whether sexless relationships are healthy depends on the partners involved. Some key considerations around satisfaction and wellbeing include:
Differing attitudes toward sex
If one or both partners are content without sex, a sexless marriage can be very healthy and stable. However, if one partner is unhappy due to unmet sexual needs, the relationship tends to suffer.
Attachment and affection
Without sex, some couples struggle to stay connected. But others can maintain intimacy through non-sexual affection and activities spent together. Preserving attachment is key.
Open communication
Couples that openly communicate their needs and feelings around lack of sex – even seeking counseling if required – tend to navigate sexless periods better.
Reasons for abstinence
Context matters. Some health issues or life changes temporarily preclude sex, which couples may understand. But relationship problems, unattractiveness or lack of effort typically harm relationships over time.
Alternatives to intercourse
Complete absence of any sexual activity is problematic. But many couples maintain health through openness to non-intercourse intimacy like oral sex, touching, fantasy play or massage.
Integrity preserved
Major risks like resentment, detachment, infidelity or divorce increase when sexual needs go unaddressed for too long. But some couples do preserve relationship health despite lack of sex.
Overall, occasional sexless periods are usually manageable for men when handled openly and honestly. But prolonged sexlessness tends to threaten intimacy for the majority of male-female relationships.
Do men cheat when needs are unmet?
Some key considerations around whether unmet sexual needs cause men to cheat:
Infidelity statistics
| Men who report cheating due to lack of sex at home | 66% |
| Men who admit to committing infidelity at some point | 21% |
| Men who would cheat if they knew they’d never get caught | 74% |
While not all men cheat when sexually dissatisfied, lack of sex is the top reason men themselves provide for infidelity. Up to 2/3 admit it has led to cheating in their relationships.
Biological wiring
Men’s higher testosterone levels generally translate into greater sex drive. Unmet sexual urges and temptation to fulfill them elsewhere can be challenging for some men to resist.
However, human beings have evolved beyond basic biological urges. Rational thinking and commitment to integrity can override cheating impulses.
Emotional attachment
When emotional intimacy and affection are preserved, some men report feeling less urge to cheat just for sex. However, lack of emotional AND physical connection doubles the risk.
Personality factors
Certain traits like high narcissism, impulsiveness, and entitlement tend to correlate with increased infidelity when sexual needs aren’t met. But personality is not necessarily destiny.
Communication and counseling
Men who openly communicate their needs and relationship concerns are less likely to cheat. Additionally, counseling helps provide tools to cope with sexual frustrations.
In summary, while unfulfilled sexual urges may explain infidelity, they don’t excuse it. With compassion and effort, healthy solutions are nearly always available to couples through openness, creativity, and professional support if needed.
Can the relationship survive if a man’s needs are unmet?
Whether the relationship survives when a man’s sexual needs go unfulfilled depends on several key factors:
The man’s perspective
If sex is centrally important to the man’s happiness and attachment, he may eventually seek separation or divorce. But if he is relatively content without sex, the relationship may endure.
The woman’s perspective
If she is committed to reviving intimacy and meeting his needs, the relationship has hope. But if she is unwilling or unable to become more sexual, breakup risks climb.
Outside support
Couples counseling helps explore solutions and enhances understanding between partners. Medical help improves sexual issues stemming from health problems.
Alternate forms of intimacy
Developing non-sexual physical and emotional intimacy can help meet underlying needs for closeness and affection. This may be sufficient for some men.
Openness to outsourcing
Permitting sex outside the relationship or an open marriage may enable the partnership to continue, assuming both partners are truly comfortable with it.
Integrity preserved
If neither partner cheats or sabotages the relationship despite unmet needs, this builds resilience and hope for the partnership.
Ultimately every couple needs to determine what compromises or lifestyle adaptations may help a sexless relationship survive and thrive. With compassion, creativity and professional support, many find healthy ways to cope with mismatched libidos.
Conclusion
While some men are perfectly content without regular sex, most prefer an active intimate life with their partner. For men with high libidos, lack of sex can impact their sense of masculinity, connection, and overall relationship satisfaction.
However, through open communication, compromise, and alternate avenues of intimacy, sexless relationships can still survive and remain healthy. And by upholding integrity and seeking counseling when needed, men can overcome urges to stray when sexual needs go unfulfilled at home.
With understanding and effort, men and women can maintain loving relationships despite mismatched levels of sexual desire. The keys are adaptability and unrelenting respect for oneself and one’s partner.