Living apart together (LAT) relationships, also known as commuter marriages, are becoming increasingly common. In a LAT relationship, a married or committed couple live separately while continuing their relationship. While unconventional, some couples find that living apart can actually strengthen their marriage in certain circumstances. Living apart provides partners with space, autonomy, and time for self-reflection. It can reignite passion and excitement when couples reunite after time apart. However, living apart also poses challenges to maintaining intimacy, trust, and connection in a relationship. It requires effort, compromise, and excellent communication skills. Living apart together will not fix underlying issues in a marriage. But for some couples, it can alleviate stress, improve satisfaction, and ultimately save their relationship.
What are the benefits of living apart together?
Living apart together relationships have a number of potential advantages for married couples:
Greater independence and personal space
Having separate homes allows each partner to decorate, organize, and manage their living space as they wish. It provides space to pursue individual hobbies and interests. Partners do not have to compromise on their living styles or constantly negotiate shared household responsibilities.
More time for self-care and reflection
Time spent alone can be an opportunity for self-care, introspection, and personal growth. Without the constant presence of a partner, individuals have more time for relaxation, exercise, socializing with friends, or pursuing therapy and self-development.
Reduced conflict over domestic issues
Couples who live together often argue about household chores, decor, money management, and other domestic issues. Maintaining separate homes eliminates many of these daily tensions.
Romance and excitement is revived
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Time apart can build anticipation and excitement for when couples reunite. Reconnecting periodically can feel like dating again. The relationship may feel fresh rather than stale or stagnant.
Flexibility and practicality
Sometimes living apart makes practical sense due to jobs, finances, children from previous relationships, or other circumstances. LAT provides flexibility to adapt to individual needs and changing life stages.
Avoidance of co-dependence
Too much time together can lead couples to become overly dependent on each other. Separate lives encourage partners to nurture their own friendships, interests, and independent identities.
What are the challenges of living apart together?
Despite the potential rewards, living apart together also comes with risks and difficulties for married couples:
Lack of emotional intimacy
Physical and emotional intimacy are harder to maintain when living separately. Out of sight can mean out of mind, leading to weaker bonds and a sense of growing apart.
Logistical difficulties
Partners must coordinate their schedules, traveling, and finances to ensure adequate couple time together. Juggling two households with bills, maintenance, and possessions can be complicated.
Trust issues
Constant togetherness helps reinforce commitment and trust in a relationship. Suspicions about fidelity may arise when partners are not together 24/7. Jealousy issues may also surface.
A sense of leading separate lives
When living apart, it’s easy for partners to become too focused on their own daily routines and priorities. They may start to feel more like friends than a married couple.
Difficulty integrating into each other’s worlds
If partners limit time in each other’s homes and circles of friends, they can become detached from each other’s lives. It may be challenging to transition into the role of spouse during visits.
Missing out on shared experiences
From small daily moments to major life events, being apart means missing out on making memories together. Physical separation can exacerbate emotional distance.
Social stigma
Living apart from a spouse remains relatively uncommon. Many people are skeptical and may see it as strange, even when couples are happy with the arrangement.
When can living apart together benefit a marriage?
Living apart will not rescue a faltering marriage, but in certain scenarios it may improve relationship satisfaction:
As a temporary transition phase
After a crisis like infidelity or periods of high conflict, a short-term separation can provide breathing room to work on the relationship from a distance. Partners can use the time and space for self-improvement, therapy, or marriage counseling.
To accommodate career demands
If spouses have jobs in different locations and maintaining two households makes sense financially, LAT relationships allow both to further their careers. Commuter marriages are especially common for those in the military, academics, politics, or other fields requiring travel.
To prioritize children’s needs
For couples with children from previous relationships, living in two separate homes may better accommodate custody schedules. Kids can maintain consistency rather than constantly switching between households.
To meet special health needs
If one partner has unique medical needs or disabilities, maintaining two adapted living spaces tailored to each person’s accessibility requirements may improve quality of life.
To allow caregiving from a distance
If a partner needs to relocate to care for an aging parent or other family member, living apart may allow them to provide care while sustaining the marriage.
Later in life and retirement
As people age, some couples prefer to maintain their own homes and routines rather than attempting to fully combine households. LAT provides more space and independence.
Tips for making it work
Living apart together successfully requires some adjustments. Here are some tips for married couples navigating a LAT relationship:
Set expectations and boundaries
Discuss your needs and relationship goals openly. Negotiate ground rules regarding intimacy, privacy, finances, household management, and trust. Review expectations regularly.
Maintain physical intimacy
Make regular time for sexual and emotional intimacy. Physical closeness reinforces your bond even when living apart. Intimacy should be a priority during visits.
Communicate constantly and effectively
Frequent check-ins are essential when not together daily. Discuss feelings openly, listen closely, compromise, and promptly resolve any issues. Video chat and phone calls between visits.
Continue dating and shared activities
Plan regular date nights, weekends away, and new shared experiences to preserve your marital friendship and generate new memories.
Integrate into each other’s separate worlds
Spend time in each other’s living spaces and with friends and family to stay involved in both of your broader lives. Keep investing in the relationship.
Maintain trust, empathy, and emotional presence
Provide reassurance, validate each other’s feelings, and demonstrate commitment to earn trust. Be transparent about your daily life and whereabouts.
Questions to reflect on
If considering a living apart together arrangement, a married couple should honestly reflect on some key questions:
- Why do we want to live apart – are our motivations healthy?
- What issues are we trying to solve or avoid?
- How will living separately improve our marriage?
- How might it add new challenges?
- Are we both fully committed to each other despite separating?
- Are our expectations for marriage aligned?
- How will we maintain intimacy and romance?
- How often will we see each other and reconnect?
- How will we resolve conflict productively at a distance?
- How will we build trust, empathy, and understanding?
- How will we integrate our two lives together?
- Are we willing to communicate openly and transparently?
- How will we make joint decisions?
- How long do we plan to live apart?
- What would need to change to reunite in one home?
Honest conversations and carefully considering these types of questions is key to determining if living apart may be right for your relationship.
Conclusion
Living apart together can allow married couples to enjoy greater independence while sustaining their bond. It may inject novelty and flexibility into a relationship. But it also comes with logistical complexity and emotional risks. Living apart will not rescue a floundering marriage but may improve satisfaction if done thoughtfully by committed partners for the right reasons. With frequent bonding time, excellent communication, vulnerability, mutual trust, and a shared vision for the relationship, some couples can live happily apart together long-term. For others, it serves best as a temporary situation until conditions allow reunifying in one home. If considering living apart, have open and realistic conversations to weigh the potential rewards and challenges. With compromises and adjustments, living apart together may ultimately strengthen your marriage.