Jealousy is a natural emotion that everyone experiences at some point. It typically arises when we perceive a threat to a valued relationship. Jealousy can range from mild feelings of envy to intense feelings of possessiveness and suspicion. While jealousy is common, it can become problematic when it leads to excessive worry, self-doubt, and even anxiety.
What is jealousy?
Jealousy is defined as the negative thoughts and feelings that arise when there is a perceived threat to a relationship. This threat is often focused around losing the affection or exclusivity of the relationship. Jealousy typically involves:
- Fear of losing the relationship
- Suspicion about a partner’s fidelity
- Distrust of a rival
- Feelings of possessiveness over a partner
Jealousy is a complex emotion that encompasses many different feelings including anger, sadness, humiliation, anxiety, envy, and rejection. It is often triggered by threats to self-esteem as well as threats to the relationship itself.
What triggers jealousy?
There are several common triggers for jealousy in relationships:
- Perceived or actual infidelity – Even flirting or emotional cheating can provoke jealousy if it makes a person feel threatened.
- Distrust – Pre-existing trust issues or insecurities may lead to chronic jealousy.
- Attentiveness – A partner paying attention to, confiding in or spending time with someone else can trigger jealousy.
- Exclusion – Feeling left out while a partner has fun with others can stir up jealous feelings.
- Uncertainty – Any type of instability or ambiguity in a relationship may provoke jealousy.
- Comparison – Feeling that you do not measure up to a rival in terms of attractiveness, success, etc.
- Possessiveness – An excessive need for control in a relationship can fuel jealousy.
In summary, jealousy often arises when there is a threat to the exclusivity or security of a relationship. Triggers include infidelity, distrust, attention given to rivals, social exclusion, uncertainty, inferiority comparisons and possessiveness.
How can jealousy lead to anxiety?
Experiencing jealousy is not necessarily problematic. Mild or moderate jealousy is common and can even have certain benefits for relationships. However, severe and chronic jealousy can be detrimental and lead to significant anxiety.
There are several ways in which ongoing feelings of intense jealousy can generate anxiety:
- Excessive worry and rumination – Constantly worrying that a partner will cheat or leave can create anxiety. Ruminating fuels negative thought patterns.
- Hypervigilance and suspicion – The compulsion to constantly monitor a partner’s behavior and look for “signs” of infidelity leads to anxiety and stress.
- Emotional volatility – The anger, humiliation, sadness and fear associated with jealousy creates instability and anxiety.
- Insecurity – Jealousy often stems from feeling insecure in oneself or the relationship. This chronic self-doubt breeds anxiety.
- Control issues – Attempts to control a partner to alleviate jealousy creates anxiety when this fails.
- Interpersonal conflict – Jealous accusations and possessive behavior damages relationships and causes further anxiety about losing a partner.
In essence, the threat jealousy poses to a valued relationship generates significant stress. Attempts to mitigate this threat through worry, hypervigilance and control backfire, fueling further emotional turmoil and anxiety.
Signs jealousy may be causing anxiety
When jealousy crosses the line from normal to problematic, there are several red flags to look out for:
- Obsessively worrying about a partner cheating
- Feeling on edge when apart from a partner
- Experiencing panic attacks or racing heart when jealous
- Having intrusive suspicions with little rational basis
- Monitoring a partner’s phone, social media, emails etc.
- Frequently accusing a partner without legitimate reasons
- Severely restricting who a partner sees or speaks to
- Making threats if jealousy isn’t assuaged
- Experiencing anxiety that disrupts work, social life or relationships
- Feeling that jealousy is uncontrollable despite negative consequences
If chronic jealousy reaches this level of irrationality, anxiety and disruption, then professional help may be warranted. Left unchecked, it can damage mental health, undermine relationships and severely impact quality of life.
Typical anxious thoughts triggered by jealousy
Jealousy has a way of setting off anxious patterns of thinking. Some examples of anxious thoughts that may arise include:
- “What if they find someone better than me?”
- “I know they are cheating, I just can’t prove it”
- “They are acting different, they must be seeing someone”
- “They are messaging someone else a lot, I just know it”
- “They are going to get bored and leave me”
- “Someone that good-looking would never be satisfied with me”
- “What if those girls try to hit on them?”
- “They are more excited to see friends than be with me”
- “They are hiding their phone, they must be hiding something”
- “If I don’t keep checking up on them, they will cheat”
As you can see, these anxious thoughts center around themes of suspicion, inferiority, abandonment and lack of control. The thoughts reinforce the false perception that a relationship is under imminent threat, fueling further jealousy and anxiety.
How jealousy differs for anxious and avoidant attachment styles
Attachment style may influence both the severity and focus of jealous feelings. Anxious attachment styles tend to experience more intense jealousy and are more prone to suspicion about infidelity. Avoidant attachment styles still feel jealousy about abandonment but this may present as feigning disinterest.
| Anxious | Avoidant |
|---|---|
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In summary, while both attachment styles are jealous about losing a partner, anxious types exhibit it through clinginess and obsession, while avoidants conceal it through emotional distance and indifference.
Effective coping strategies if jealousy causes anxiety
If jealousy has become a major trigger for anxiety, there are ways to manage it:
- Communication – Talk to your partner honestly but non-defensively about your feelings.
- Self-soothing – Calm yourself down before reacting to jealousy through breathing, meditation or grounding techniques.
- Rational responding – Ask yourself if there is factual basis for your jealous feelings or if it is hypothetical.
- Distraction – Engage in activities away from your partner that reduce anxious thoughts about the relationship.
- Affirmation – Seek reassurance from your partner about their commitment.
- Security – Identify factors that genuinely threaten the relationship versus irrational suspicions.
- Boundaries – Set reasonable ground rules with your partner about behaviors like secrecy or opposite-sex friends.
- Self-esteem – Boost your confidence and sense of self-worth so you feel less threatened.
- Therapy – Work with a professional to address underlying causes of excessive jealousy like attachment issues or past betrayals.
With self-awareness, communication skills and secure attachment behaviors, jealousy’s impact on anxiety can be minimized. But if jealousy feels uncontrollable despite negative consequences, then seeking counseling is highly recommended.
When jealousy becomes emotionally abusive
In some instances, chronic intense jealousy crosses the line from anxious feelings into emotional abuse. This can happen when someone tries to control their partner’s behavior through manipulation, threats or unreasonable demands rooted in jealousy. Signs of emotionally abusive jealousy include:
- Isolating or restricting partner’s contact with family/friends
- Stalking or monitoring partner’s movements
- Extreme, unfounded accusations of cheating
- Combing through partner’s phone, accounts or belongings
- Verbally threatening partner if jealousy isn’t appeased
- Making false accusations designed to trigger jealousy as punishment
- Physically blocking partner from leaving during argument about jealousy
- Blaming partner for causing jealous feelings
This form of pathological jealousy seeks to alleviate anxiety through exerting control over a partner. However, it tends to damage relationships and emotional health. Other mental health issues like personality disorders are often involved in these situations of emotional abuse. Professional intervention is recommended in such cases.
Conclusion
It is clear jealousy has the potential to be a major trigger for anxiety. While some jealousy is normal, excessive or chronic jealousy can be extremely damaging. The perceived threat to a valued relationship creates anxiety which then fuels jealous feelings and behavior. This creates a vicious cycle of anxiety and jealousy feeding one another. There are many effective ways to manage jealousy before it reaches problematic levels. But at its most severe, jealous behavior may cross into emotional abuse requiring counseling. With self-awareness and the right coping strategies, it’s possible to experience jealousy without anxiety running rampant. The key is addressing the root insecurities fueling jealousy and maintaining a relationship built on open communication and trust.