Having close friendships can be challenging for those with borderline personality disorder (BPD). The intense emotions and difficulty regulating feelings that are hallmarks of BPD can put a strain on relationships. However, with treatment and conscious effort, it is possible for those with BPD to develop and maintain healthy friendships.
What is Borderline Personality Disorder?
Borderline personality disorder is a mental health condition characterized by intense and unstable emotions, impulsive behavior, fear of abandonment, and unstable personal relationships. Some key symptoms of BPD include:
- Intense emotional reactions and mood swings
- Impulsivity and reckless behavior
- Unstable self-image
- Feelings of emptiness
- Explosive anger
- Chronic feelings of boredom or loneliness
- Fear of abandonment
- Difficulty trusting others
People with BPD often engage in unstable and intense personal relationships. They may idealize friends when relationships are going well, but then rapidly shift to anger, sadness, or deep distrust when perceiving rejection or abandonment. These cycling emotions and behaviors can be exhausting for friends and romantic partners.
Challenges of Friendship with BPD
There are several factors that can make friendship difficult for those with borderline personality disorder:
- Fear of abandonment – People with BPD often have an extreme fear of abandonment. Even small signs that a friend may be distancing themselves can provoke panic and emotional crisis.
- Black-and-white thinking – The all-or-nothing thought patterns associated with BPD can lead to rapid flipping between idealizing friends and then seeing them as completely bad or uncaring.
- Mood swings – Frequent emotional ups and downs may cause friends to feel like they are on an exhausting rollercoaster ride.
- Anger issues – Explosive anger triggered by minor incidents can push friends away over time.
- Impulsiveness – Impulsive behaviors like substance abuse, reckless spending, and unhealthy relationships may strain friendships.
- Misreading social cues – Difficulty accurately interpreting social cues and emotions can lead to misunderstandings.
- Needing frequent reassurance – The extreme self-doubt of BPD may lead someone to require constant reassurance from friends.
These BPD traits can create an unstable friendship dynamic that leaves both parties feeling drained. Those with BPD may blame themselves as friendships fall apart, reinforcing their negative self-view.
How to Develop Healthy Friendships with BPD
While challenging, people with BPD can take steps to establish and maintain healthy friendships:
- Seek treatment – Engaging in psychotherapy and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) helps people with BPD better regulate their emotions.
- Communicate openly – Talking honestly with friends about BPD triggers and symptoms allows friends to understand and adapt.
- Set boundaries – Having rules for acceptable behavior, like no yelling or name-calling, creates stability.
- Apologize when needed – Making amends after BPD symptoms cause harm can help preserve friendships.
- Give friends space – Respecting friends’ needs for alone time combats the abandonment fears of BPD.
- Find support – Joining a BPD support group helps reduce isolation and learn healthy relating skills.
- Be yourself – Focusing on your true self, values, and interests makes friendships more authentic.
Practicing mindfulness, self-soothing techniques, and distress tolerance skills can also help manage difficult emotions that may otherwise damage friendships. With concerted effort using healthy coping strategies, those with BPD can build stable and fulfilling friendships.
Tips for Being a Good Friend to Someone with BPD
How can you support a friend who has borderline personality disorder? Here are some tips:
- Educate yourself about BPD so you understand their struggles.
- Offer consistent emotional support and validation.
- Set clear boundaries around unacceptable behavior.
- Give space during times of high stress or volatility.
- Encourage them to seek professional help.
- Focus on positive shared experiences.
- Avoid making big relationship decisions during unstable periods.
- Speak with love rather than frustration when they are dysregulated.
- Accept that the friendship may sometimes feel like a rollercoaster.
Being a strong support system can make a major difference in your friend’s BPD recovery journey. However, also make sure to protect your own emotional needs in the process.
Signs of an Unhealthy BPD Friendship
While successful friendships are possible with BPD, some warning signs may indicate an unhealthy dynamic:
- You feel constantly manipulated or like you are “walking on eggshells”
- Your own mental health is declining
- The friendship feels completely one-sided
- You are subjected to extreme verbal abuse
- You are expected to provide constant reassurance
- You feel forced to accept unacceptable behavior
- Your friend refuses to acknowledge their BPD or seek help
- The relationship feels like a constant rollercoaster
- You dread interacting with this friend
Being in a friendship that leaves you depleted or distressed is unsustainable. If attempts to discuss boundaries and mutual support fail, terminating an unhealthy BPD friendship may become necessary for your wellbeing.
When Is It Time to End a Friendship with Someone with BPD?
Deciding when to walk away from a troubled BPD friendship can be difficult. Consider ending the relationship if:
- Your own mental health is deteriorating.
- Reasonable boundaries are repeatedly trampled.
- Support and concern are not reciprocated.
- You dread interactions and feel drained.
- Communication has completely broken down.
- The friendship has become abusive in any way.
- Ultimatums to seek treatment are ignored.
- The friendship now causes you more stress than joy.
Ideally, communicate clearly why you need to step back from the friendship for a time or permanently. Be compassionate yet firm in setting this boundary. Seek support from other loved ones as needed.
Can Romantic Relationships Work with BPD?
Romantic relationships involve deeper intimacy and commitment than friendships. This intensity can become turbulent with someone who has BPD. That said, healthy long-term relationships are certainly possible with proper treatment and support. The keys are:
- Getting comprehensive DBT therapy.
- Having an understanding, patient partner.
- Communicating openly and setting clear boundaries.
- Making the relationship a priority.
- Practicing constant self-care and self-improvement.
- Having a strong support system outside the relationship.
Both partners should educate themselves on how BPD manifests in relationships. Working with a couples counselor can also help build a solid relational foundation.
Friendship Challenges at Different Stages of BPD Recovery
The friendship challenges faced by someone with BPD often evolve based on their stage of recovery:
| Recovery Stage | Common Friendship Challenges |
|---|---|
| Pre-diagnosis | Confusing emotional volatility, impulsive behavior, and intense fears of abandonment that sabotage friendships |
| Post-diagnosis | Feeling ashamed of the BPD label and hesitant to open up to friends |
| Starting treatment | Needing support and understanding as old coping mechanisms are challenged |
| Making progress | Learning to balance validating friendships with less healthy dynamics from the past |
| Remission | Fearing reactivation of symptoms as contact with old friends resumes |
Having even one close friend who provides continuity through the ups and downs of recovery can make a major difference. The stability helps counter the sense of isolation and impermanence BPD can create.
Are Friendships Important for Managing BPD?
Yes, high-quality friendships are crucial for managing borderline personality disorder for several reasons:
- Friends provide much-needed social support.
- The right friends offer understanding without judgment.
- Friendships combat the loneliness and isolation of BPD.
- Friends can give reality-testing of irrational BPD thoughts.
- Fun social activities distract from BPD symptoms.
- Close friends may help spot early warning signs of emotional crisis.
- Friendships bolster a sense of identity outside of BPD.
- Friends provide accountability for staying in treatment.
Making and keeping friends requires mastering key social skills like empathy, compromise, and reading social cues. These abilities allow someone with BPD to form reciprocal relationships where both parties have needs met. Developing healthy friendships should be a central goal of BPD treatment.
Joining a BPD Support Group
Support groups provide an excellent opportunity for those with BPD to connect with others facing similar struggles. Potential benefits of a BPD support group include:
- Feeling understood by others with BPD
- Receiving validation and compassion
- Giving and receiving advice on effective coping strategies
- Making friends with a shared life experience
- Practicing social skills in a safe environment
- Finding accountability partners
- Learning about new treatment resources
- Feeling hope by seeing others improve
Both in-person and online BPD support groups exist. Before joining, research options to find a well-moderated group promoting healthy relating skills. Bringing a trusted friend along can also ease the stress of that first visit.
Conclusion
Borderline personality disorder poses some very real friendship challenges. The intense emotional swings, impulsivity, and fear of abandonment associated with BPD can put strain on relationships. However, through comprehensive treatment and conscious relationship-building efforts, those with BPD can forge stable, fulfilling friendships. Seeking understanding friends and fellow BPD support groups assists the process. With time and skillbuilding, healthy friendships can positively transform the BPD recovery journey.