It’s a common scenario – one partner in a relationship decides to get sober, while the other partner continues to drink alcohol or use drugs. This can happen for many reasons, like a personal decision to improve health, a previous addiction, or a family history of alcoholism.
Whatever the reason, it inevitably changes the dynamic of the relationship. The sober partner may now refuse to be around substances or enable substance use. The using partner may feel controlled or resent the sudden shift. Navigating these challenges requires compromise from both people.
Ultimately, a relationship with mismatching sobriety levels can work. But it requires open communication, personal growth, professional help, and commitment from both partners.
Can a relationship survive sobriety differences?
Yes, it’s absolutely possible for a relationship to thrive when partners have different sobriety statuses. But it takes work.
According to a study in the Journal of Family Psychology, over 50% of relationships where one partner is sober are still together after three years. This success rate is only slightly lower than relationships where both partners drink moderately.
However, relationships where both partners heavily abuse substances are much less stable over time.
This indicates that sobriety mismatch alone does not make or break a relationship. With care and intention, couples can navigate their differences in sobriety.
Why does getting sober change a relationship?
Getting sober is an enormous personal change. When one partner chooses sobriety, the relationship dynamic inevitably shifts too.
Here are some common ways sobriety impacts a relationship:
Sober partner establishes boundaries
A sober person often can’t be around alcohol or drugs anymore because it triggers strong cravings. They may ask their partner to:
– Not drink or use substances around them
– Keep alcohol out of shared spaces like the home
– No longer go to bars or parties together
– Limit discussing alcohol and drug use with them
This can feel restrictive to the using partner. But boundaries are necessary for the sober partner’s recovery.
Using partner feels controlled
When a sober partner says they are no longer comfortable with drinking or drug use, the using partner may feel:
– Like their lifestyle is being judged
– Pressure to quit too before they are ready
– Controlled and limited in their choices
These tensions need to be discussed honestly. Compromise is key.
Activities change
A couple’s social life often revolves around alcohol. Bars, clubs, even dinners out all center around drinking.
A sober person can no longer participate in these activities comfortably. This means less time together doing previously shared activities.
The couple must be creative and find new social outlets that support sobriety. This will take effort but can ultimately strengthen their bond.
Emotions run high
Early sobriety can be an emotional rollercoaster. The sober partner may struggle with:
– Mood swings
– Depression, anxiety, irritability
– Cravings and difficult emotions that were previously numbed with substances
This can strain communication between partners. The using partner must practice patience and compassion.
With time and treatment, the sober partner will regain their emotional balance. But the early phase of sobriety is often unpredictable.
Responsibilities shift
Often, the using partner has picked up more slack over the years to compensate for the other’s drinking or drug use.
Now, the sober partner must start carrying their full weight – caring for themselves, sharing chores and bills, not depending on others to manage their life.
This rebalancing of duties can be positive. But the using partner may feel overwhelmed or resentful about the extra burden, especially if the transition is abrupt.
Trust needs rebuilding
Years of alcoholism or addiction likely damaged trust between partners.
Now sober, the partner must slowly rebuild trust by demonstrating consistent responsible behavior over time. It takes patience on both sides.
Learning to be vulnerable and open with each other again is critical to healing. Couples counseling helps guide this process.
How to make a relationship work with different sobriety statuses
Here are some proactive steps couples can take to strengthen their bond when one partner is sober:
Communicate openly and often
Don’t ignore or minimize the “elephant in the room.” Have regular open talks about sobriety and how it impacts your relationship. Share feelings honestly. Seek to understand each other’s perspectives.
Compromise and set boundaries
The sober partner still deserves a supportive environment. But the using partner also should not feel controlled. Find middle ground with compromise.
Perhaps the using partner only drinks outside the home or limits drug use to social occasions. Sober partner attends alternate gatherings.
Make new social plans
If bars and parties are now off-limits, get creative! Try outdoor activities, engaging classes, travel, double dates with other sober couples, game nights in, or museums.
Spend quality time together in ways that don’t revolve around alcohol. Explore new passions.
Check on your emotional health
Sobriety often uncovers mental health issues like depression and anxiety. Seek counseling to process these challenges in a healthy way.
Using partners should also reflect on their own relationship with substances and if they want to make any changes.
Rebalance caretaking roles
As the sober partner takes on more responsibility, reassess what is fair. Split chores clearly. Share financial and parenting burdens equally. Discuss needs openly and adjust.
Practice forgiveness
Drawing clear boundaries now doesn’t mean resenting the past. Seek to forgive each other for hurts caused when alcoholism or addiction strained the relationship. This allows healing.
Ask for support
Don’t isolate yourselves. Surround yourselves with friends, family, and communities that support sobriety and will nourish your relationship as you navigate this new normal.
How the sober partner can help the relationship thrive
The sober partner has an opportunity to guide the relationship toward deeper intimacy and growth. Here’s how to play that role well:
Focus on your own health first
Don’t let the relationship distract you from your recovery. Prioritize self-care, boundaries, and mental health above all else right now. The healthier you become, the more you can strengthen the relationship.
Be understanding
This transition is just as difficult for your partner. Show empathy when they express fear, confusion, or reluctance. Don’t take it personally. Give them time to process.
Rebuild trust gradually
After years of unreliable behavior, trust won’t recover overnight. Earn it back slowly by keeping your word, showing accountability, and offering reassurance.
Share your journey
Invite your partner into your sobriety experience. Share what you learn in treatment and support groups. Ask them to attend couples’ counseling to understand addiction better. Discovering recovery together deepens intimacy.
Find the right language
Describe what you need clearly without attacking your partner. Avoid words like “never” and “always” that sound demanding. Frame requests positively – “I would appreciate if…” or “It helps me when you…”
Celebrate milestones
Mark landmarks in your sobriety, whether it’s 30 days or 3 years. Let your partner take part in recognizing your hard work. Continued success shows this relationship can thrive.
How the using partner can strengthen the relationship
The using partner also has power to greatly improve this relationship during their loved one’s sobriety journey:
Educate yourself
Learn about alcoholism, addiction, and recovery. Get informed so you can better understand what your partner is experiencing. Knowledge builds compassion and patience.
Express your needs calmly
Don’t bottle up confusion or resentment. But avoid ultimatums and venting. Have gentle dialogues where you both speak your truth then work out compromises.
Embrace their new lifestyle
Your partner haschanged, and that’s okay. Appreciate their healthy new interests and habits. Participate in the activities they enjoy sober. Share in this renaissance.
Give encouragement
Compliment achievements and milestones. Celebrate small daily wins. Your belief in their recovery motivates and strengthens them.
Consider your own use
You don’t have to get sober too. But be honest if you lean on substances yourself. Get support if you want to cut back or quit. Matching their commitment inspires.
Let go of control
Accept there are things you can’t change about your partner’s sobriety journey. As hard as it is, let go of illusion of control. Focus on what you can control – your own choices.
Lead by example
Set clear boundaries for your substance use. Only indulge responsibly away from your partner. Model moderation and self-control. This responsibility means the world.
Offer forgiveness
Recovery means a new chapter. Let go of past hurts, betrayals or neglect during their addiction. Forgive them fully and start fresh. Healing can’t happen without forgiveness.
Professional help is crucial
An experienced couples’ counselor provides tremendous value for mismatched sobriety relationships. They help:
– Teach effective communication strategies
– Uncover and process underlying feelings
– Identify strengths and growth areas
– Set constructive boundaries
– Rebuild intimacy and trust
– Encourage personal growth
– Prevent enabling patterns
– Navigate potential co-dependency
Many outpatient rehab programs also now offer couples’ therapy alongside individual treatment.
Attending Al-Anon meetings gives the using partner perspective. They see others navigating the same dynamic of loving someone in recovery.
Therapy helps both partners address any mental health challenges underlying substance abuse – like trauma, depression, or anxiety. These must be confronted for recovery to last.
So don’t hesitate to access professional support. It provides the insight and skills necessary for a mismatched sobriety relationship to thrive. Investing in counseling strengthens the relationship for the long term.
Table summarizing relationship counseling options:
| Type of counseling | How it helps |
|---|---|
| Couples’ counseling | Teaches communication skills, rebuilds intimacy and trust, sets boundaries |
| Al-Anon meetings for partners | Shares perspective of loving someone in recovery |
| Individual mental health therapy | Addresses underlying issues like depression, trauma, anxiety |
Be ready for ups and downs
In the early phases of sobriety, emotions may run high as the relationship dynamic shifts. Prepare for potential turbulence:
The sober partner may experience mood swings, depression, or cravings that strain communication. The using partner may feel loneliness if social life changes dramatically.
With care and counseling, these rough patches do smooth out. But understanding this challenging transition is normal will help you weather it.
Over time, as sobriety sticks, positive habits form, and intimacy is renewed, the relationship can ultimately reach an even stronger, more rewarding place.
Conclusion
Yes, it is absolutely possible for a relationship to thrive when partners have different sobriety statuses – but it requires effort. With open communication, compromise, professional support, and commitment from both people, mismatched sobriety relationships can grow even stronger.
The key is embracing sobriety as a journey to be navigated together. When both partners view it as an opportunity to build trust, deepen understanding, and cultivate new activities that nurture the relationship, they will discover new levels of fulfillment.
While the path has challenges, sober relationships exemplify the power of love, resilience, and personal growth. By rising to meet this challenge as a team, couples discover their relationship is capable of so much more. The effort pays dividends through an incredible bond built to last.