A narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by an exaggerated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy for others, and a need for admiration. Narcissists tend to be preoccupied with fantasies of their own success, beauty, brilliance or ideal love. They believe they are superior and often require excessive admiration from others. Many narcissists often struggle to maintain healthy relationships. This raises the question – can a narcissist be a good mother?
What is narcissistic personality disorder?
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental condition characterized by:
- An inflated sense of self-importance
- A deep need for excessive attention and admiration
- Lack of empathy for others
- Often having troubled relationships
People with narcissistic personality disorder believe they are superior to others. They tend to exaggerate their achievements and talents. They often feel entitled to privileges and feel devastated by even the slightest criticisms. They take advantage of others to get what they want. They often feel envious of others or believe others are envious of them.
Common traits of narcissists
- An exaggerated sense of self-importance
- Preoccupation with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
- Belief they are superior and can only be understood by fellow special people
- Need for excessive admiration
- Sense of entitlement
- Exploitative behavior
- Lack of empathy
- Envy of others or belief others envy them
- Arrogant behaviors
Many narcissists often struggle to maintain healthy relationships and fulfill normal responsibilities at work, home, and school. Their need for excessive admiration and sense of entitlement put significant strain on relationships.
Can a narcissist be a good parent?
Being a good parent requires attributes like patience, empathy, compassion, and unconditional love – qualities that narcissists often lack. However, some experts believe narcissists can still be decent parents under the right circumstances.
Potential problems narcissistic parents pose
There are some significant risks narcissistic parents pose to their children’s well-being:
- Lack of empathy – Their lack of empathy makes it difficult for them to understand their child’s needs.
- Need for control – They have an excessive need to control their child’s life.
- Role reversals – They may inappropriately depend on the child for comfort and guidance.
- Exploitation – They may exploit or manipulate their child to fulfill their own needs.
- Neglect – When their child fails to satisfy their needs, they withdraw love and affection.
- Rejection – They are highly critical and quickly reject or disapprove of their child.
Children raised by narcissistic parents are more likely to experience emotional turmoil, feelings of inadequacy, and lifelong issues with self-esteem.
Ways narcissists can be decent parents
While narcissists struggle with key attributes like empathy, experts believe they can still be decent parents if:
- They keep their own narcissistic needs in check
- They respect their child’s independence
- Their child satisfies their needs for love and admiration
- They receive counseling and parenting support
- They focus on their child’s needs and not their own
- Their child has another loving caregiver as a role model
With self-awareness, external support, and constant effort, experts believe it’s possible for narcissists to be decent parents. However, it requires managing their narcissistic tendencies.
How narcissistic parenting affects children
Being raised by a narcissistic parent can significantly impact a child’s mental health and self-esteem. Here are some common effects:
| Effect | Description |
|---|---|
| Low self-esteem | Feeling inadequate or flawed from excessive criticism. |
| People-pleasing | Excessive need for approval from others. |
| Perfectionism | An excessive need to meet extremely high expectations. |
| Sensitivity | Easily hurt by disapproval or criticisms. |
| Difficulty trusting | Trouble forming close relationships. |
| Poor communication | Struggles expressing needs and feelings. |
Children of narcissists often absorb the message that they are not good enough. This leaves them vulnerable to low self-esteem, perfectionism, and other issues.
Signs of narcissistic parenting
Here are some common signs that a parent may be narcissistic:
- Is overcritical of their child
- Takes credit for their child’s success
- Seems annoyed by their child’s needs
- Has unrealistic expectations of their child
- Displays a lack of interest in their child’s life
- Seems jealous or competitive with their child
- Overshares or inappropriately confides in their child
- Exploits or manipulates their child
- Makes their child feel responsible for their happiness
These behaviors undermine a child’s sense of self and make it difficult for the child to form a healthy parental attachment.
Helping children of narcissistic parents
There are steps adult children of narcissists can take to overcome the effects of being raised by a narcissistic parent:
Seek counseling
Therapy provides validation for their experiences and helps build self-esteem. It offers tools to set healthy boundaries with narcissistic parents.
Establish boundaries
Setting clear boundaries with narcissistic parents helps limit the emotional turmoil caused by their behaviors.
Separate their identity
Understanding they are not responsible for their parent’s emotions helps separate their identity from the narcissist.
Build self-confidence
Developing interests, skills and meaningful relationships apart from their parents helps establish a strong sense of self.
Limit contact if needed
Going low or no contact with a narcissistic parent might be necessary to protect mental health.
Join support groups
Connecting with others who understand their experience helps overcome feelings of isolation.
With patience, hard work and support, the effects of being raised by a narcissistic parent can be overcome.
Conclusion
In summary, being raised by a narcissistic parent significantly impacts a child’s self-esteem and mental health. While narcissists often lack empathy and exploit others, some experts believe they can still be decent parents if they keep their narcissistic tendencies in check. However, children of narcissists are at risk for issues like perfectionism, people-pleasing behaviors and difficulties trusting others. With counseling, establishing boundaries and building self-confidence separate from the narcissistic parent, the negative effects can be overcome. So while the narcissistic personality presents significant challenges to good parenting, the consensus is some of those issues can be mitigated by a narcissist with self-awareness, external support and a commitment to meeting their child’s needs first.