Affection and intimacy are vital components of a healthy marriage. Displaying loving feelings and behaviors towards your spouse reinforces your emotional connection and bonds you together. But what happens when the affection begins to fade? Can a marriage continue to thrive if the spouses grow distant and unaffectionate? Let’s explore this complex question.
What is affection in marriage?
Affection encompasses the loving words, touches, hugs, kisses, and quality time shared between spouses. It involves expressing care, fondness, warmth, and tenderness for your partner. Affectionate behaviors make your spouse feel loved, valued, and secure in the relationship.
Affection serves several important functions in a marriage:
- Reinforces emotional intimacy and closeness
- Communicates love and caring between spouses
- Increases feelings of satisfaction and happiness
- Boosts oxytocin, the “love hormone” that enhances bonding
- Strengthens the marital friendship
- Fosters a sense of security and commitment
Research shows that affectionate touch releases oxytocin, reduces stress, lowers blood pressure, and has positive effects on relationships. Partners who regularly express affection experience greater relationship satisfaction, happiness, and stability over time.
Why does affection fade in some marriages?
While most couples start out very affectionate, this often lessens over time. There are several common reasons affection may diminish in a marriage:
- Familiarity – The early excitement and novelty wear off as you get used to each other.
- Stress – Jobs, kids, chores, and life stresses leave less time and energy for affection.
- Resentment – Unresolved conflicts and hurts can breed resentment and emotional distance between spouses.
- Routine – Marriages often fall into dull routines where spouses take each other for granted.
- Poor communication – When partners stop opening up, affection suffers.
- Diverging interests – As spouses grow apart, they share less affection.
- Physical separation – Work travel, military service, or other extended time apart strains emotional closeness.
If spouses make affection a priority and intentionally foster it, they can prevent it from declining over time. But without effort, it’s easy for marriages to become devoid of affection.
Is lack of affection a dealbreaker?
It depends. Every couple has a different threshold for how much affection they need to feel loved and content in the marriage. For some spouses, a lack of physical affection is deeply unfulfilling but not a dealbreaker. They may compensate by cultivating emotional intimacy and closeness in other ways. But for others, physical affection like hugging, kissing, and sex is integral for feeling connected to their partner. Living without this affection over the long-term leaves them unhappy and unfulfilled.
Numerous studies confirm that marital satisfaction declines when spouses stop expressing affection. In one national survey, 56% of Americans stated that more hugging, kissing, and sexual touching would improve their marriages. Research clearly shows physical affection enhances marital quality and longevity.
However, a deficit in emotional affection is often equally detrimental. Feeling genuinely cared for, listened to, understood, and valued by your spouse fosters trust, vulnerability, empathy, and depth in the relationship. Without these affective behaviors, marriages often deteriorate.
How does lack of affection impact marriages?
Let’s look at some common consequences when affection fades from a marriage:
- Emotional distance – Partners feel disconnected and lonely even when physically together.
- More conflict – Spouses argue and bicker more without affection’s buffer.
- Infidelity risk -seeking affection outside the marriage becomes tempting.
- Depression – Chronic unaffection breeds sadness and low mood in spouses.
- Resentment – Partners feel unloved, disregarded, and bitter.
- Lower commitment – Lack of affection erodes the marital bond and investment.
- Less sex – Physical and emotional intimacy decline together.
- Poorer health – Reduced oxytocin and touch harms cardiovascular health.
The joy, humor, empathy, and mutual caring once present in the marriage fade without ongoing affection. Spouses feel like roommates rather than intimate partners. Over time, these marriage-damaging effects compound and can become very difficult to reverse.
Can marriages recover from a lack of affection?
In some cases, yes. Marriages bereft of affection for months or years can rekindle emotional and physical closeness with concerted effort from both spouses. Certain principles are vital for rebuilding affection:
- Make affection a priority again. Schedule time for just the two of you.
- Have open, honest conversations about your emotional needs and feelings.
- Let go of past hurts and resentments; forgive each other.
- Engage in new shared activities you both enjoy.
- Flirt, tease, compliment, and date each other again.
- Touch intentionally – hugs, hand-holding, massages, cuddling.
- Reestablish sexual and sensual intimacy.
- Give love, warmth, understanding – help your spouse feel cherished.
- Seek counseling if you struggle to reconnect.
However, both partners must want to rekindle the affection and do their part. Without mutual care, effort, and commitment, unaffectionate patterns become very entrenched. Counseling can assist couples in getting unstuck.
Should you stay in a marriage without affection?
It depends on your priorities and values. Some spouses feel the companionship and logistical benefits of marriage outweigh the lack of affection. They find meaningful fulfillment through their children, careers, friends, hobbies, or faith communities. Others cannot envision being happy and whole without romantic love and physical intimacy in their marriage.
Every couple must determine what’s acceptable or unbearable based on their unique needs. It’s wise to seek counseling before deciding to end a marriage to ensure you’ve explored every option. However, if one spouse remains unwilling to address the affection deficit and associated problems, the marriage likely has poor prospects. You must weigh your options carefully.
Tips for rekindling affection in marriage
Here are some proactive tips to increase affection if you feel your marriage needs more:
- Initiate affection – don’t always wait for your spouse. Give unexpected hugs and kisses.
- Compliment your partner’s attributes sincerely.
- Hold hands when walking, watching TV, riding in the car.
- Snuggle in bed before falling asleep and when waking up.
- Greet each other warmly at the end of the workday.
- Cuddle on the couch together without distractions.
- Leave affectionate notes in surprising places.
- Slow dance in the kitchen or living room.
- Take romantic weekend getaways when possible.
- Give each other massages – offer nurturing touch.
Prioritizing small acts of affection every day, even when you feel stressed or disconnected, can rekindle warmth. But don’t expect instant results – rebuilding emotional and physical intimacy requires patience and commitment from both spouses.
When to seek marriage counseling
If a lack of affection remains an ongoing struggle in your marriage despite your efforts, seek professional help. A counselor can:
- Uncover root issues driving the unaffectionate behaviors.
- Teach communication and conflict resolution skills.
- Help you rebuild trust and intimacy.
- Provide exercises to increase affection.
- Hold spouses accountable for making changes.
- Decide if trial separation makes sense.
- Guide you in deciding whether divorce is advisable.
Don’t wait until your marriage has deteriorated to get help. Seeking intervention in the early stages gives counseling the best chance of success.
In summary…
Research clearly shows affection is vital for relationship satisfaction and longevity. While marriages can survive periods of unaffection, both spouses must be willing to restore emotional and physical intimacy. If patterns remain unchanged, lack of affection breeds distance, resentment, and disconnection. Before choosing divorce, seek counseling and make an honest effort to revive affection. But if one partner refuses to address it, separating may be healthiest. With commitment and compromise, many marriages can rebound after affection fades. Small daily acts of warmth keep emotional bonds strong.