The idea of lifelong monogamous relationships is a relatively modern concept in human history. For most of our existence as a species, relationships tended to be more fluid and temporary. However, the rise of institutions like marriage shifted cultural attitudes toward favoring lifetime pair bonding. Today, there is an open debate around whether humans are truly meant to commit to a single partner for life. There are reasonable arguments on both sides of this issue.
What are the origins of monogamy?
For the vast majority of human existence, dating back to our hunter-gatherer ancestors, monogamy was rare. Primitive human groups tended to practice various forms of non-monogamy like polygamy (one man with multiple female partners) or promiscuity (no stable relationships). This makes sense from an evolutionary perspective, as men who fathered children with multiple women could produce more offspring. Meanwhile, women benefited from access to male resources from multiple mates.
As human societies transitioned toward agriculture and civilization around 10,000 years ago, concepts of marriage and monogamy emerged. Some experts believe establishing paternity and inheriting property drove this shift. With wealth accumulation, men wanted to ensure their resources were passed down to biological heirs. Codifying monogamy helped address this need. Other scholars argue that controlling female sexuality also played a role in the rise of monogamous marriage.
Religion further cemented monogamy as a moral ideal. Christianity, Judaism, Islam and other major belief systems positioned lifelong marriage as the proper template for relationships. By creating spiritual meaning around monogamy and making non-monogamy a sin, religions reinforced monogamous pair bonding as the norm.
What does science say about monogamy?
Evolutionary biology offers perspectives on why monogamy developed in human societies and how natural it is for our species. Scientists have studied mating patterns across different animal species, including primates closely related to humans, to draw conclusions.
Most primates demonstrate polygynous mating patterns, where one male mates with multiple females. This includes chimpanzees, our closest genetic relatives. However, a minority of primate species show monogamous tendencies. These include gibbons and species like titi monkeys and owl monkeys. Scientists speculate certain factors may favor monogamy in some primates, including:
- Low population density – With fewer potential mates available, pair bonding becomes more advantageous
- Significant male care of offspring – When males invest in raising children, ensuring paternity makes monogamy appealing
- High risk of infanticide by males – Monogamy reduces the threat of males killing offspring not their own
Based on these criteria, ancient human conditions may have likewise selected for monogamy. The masculinization of the human brain, including features like higher paternal investment compared to other primates, could also have neurological roots in monogamy.
At the same time, human evolutionary history makes us biologically inclined toward non-monogamy as well. Evidence suggests we have not evolved to be sexually exclusive for life. Humans do not display extreme sexual dimorphism, where one gender is much larger than the other, which is associated with monogamy in primates. Men also have penises relatively larger than monogamous primates, suggesting evolutionary adaptations for sperm competition.
Does human psychology support lifelong commitment?
Beyond biology, human psychology also shows signs of both monogamous and non-monogamous tendencies. Some key factors:
- Pair bonding – Humans have brain circuitry for attachment and romantic love that forms emotional bonds. This facilitates monogamy.
- Cooling of passion – Sexual passion and excitement tend to naturally decline in long-term relationships. This decline is linked to neurochemicals like dopamine.
- novelty-seeking – Both men and women demonstrate interest in sexual variety and novel partners. This push toward non-monogamy may be driven by testosterone.
Based on these factors, human minds seem designed for serial monogamy. We are capable of developing powerful pair bonds and deep attachment, but these feelings may diminish naturally over time. Our attraction to novelty leads to seeking fresh partners. So while we can commit to one person for a period, psychologists do not believe lifelong monogamy aligns innately with human nature.
What do marriage and divorce rates reveal?
Marriage and divorce data provides insights into human monogamy patterns:
| Country | Marriage Rate | Divorce Rate |
|---|---|---|
| United States | 6.5 per 1,000 | 2.9 per 1,000 |
| United Kingdom | 4.3 per 1,000 | 1.7 per 1,000 |
| Australia | 4.6 per 1,000 | 2.0 per 1,000 |
Globally, a minority of marriages end in divorce. However, divorce rates around 50% are common in Western cultures. These patterns demonstrate that lifelong commitment often falls apart for one or both partners. Waning passion, seeking novelty outside marriage, or simply growing apart are common reasons long-term marriages fail.
The data shows humans are capable of monogamy, especially in conservative cultures that deter divorce. But the breakdown of many marriages supports the notion that sustaining lifelong pair bonding does not come naturally for most people.
Does non-monogamy work?
Non-monogamous relationships have always existed, despite social conventions pressuring monogamy. Today, consensual non-monogamy is becoming more visible and accepted. Forms like open relationships and polyamory challenge the idea that monogamy is the only valid option.
Research on non-monogamous relationships shows mixed results:
- High satisfaction reported – Many consensually non-monogamous couples rate their happiness on par with monogamous couples.
- Requires open communication – Non-monogamy only works with continuous trust and transparency between partners.
- Higher divorce rates – Some studies show polyamorous marriages are more likely to end in divorce.
While more data is needed, non-monogamy appears to work for some couples but not others. The factors that make it successful likely include innate personality traits like high openness, as well as strong communication skills.
Jealousy in non-monogamous relationships
Overcoming jealousy poses one of the biggest hurdles in non-monogamous relationships. Research insights into managing jealousy include:
- Cultivate compersion – Compersion is the positive feeling of vicarious joy from seeing your partner happy with other partners.
- Unlearn possessiveness – Possessiveness stems from fears of losing a partner. But it often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
- Reframe jealousy – Accepting jealousy as natural while not letting it dictate actions allows it to dissipate.
Anecdotally, some non-monogamous couples report that confronting jealousy strengthened their communication and ultimate bond. But for other couples, jealousy remains an insurmountable barrier.
Conclusion
The evidence around human mating strategies offers a complex picture. Biologically and psychologically, we are capable of both lifelong pair bonding and non-monogamy. Socially, the practice and feasibility of monogamous marriage varies greatly across cultures and eras. While some couples certainly can remain happily monogamous for life, this seems to go against our natural inclinations.
Given the diversity of human behavior and preferences, the most reasonable conclusion is that no single relationship style works universally. Some individuals are much more monogamous-minded than others. The key is finding a partner with compatible values and negotiating a relationship structure that aligns with mutual goals and needs for intimacy. Being flexible and not constrained by traditional norms allows people to forge partnerships that let them thrive.