Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition characterized by instability in emotions, behavior, self-image, and relationships. One of the key diagnostic criteria for BPD is difficulty maintaining close relationships, which can lead some to wonder if people with BPD are capable of genuinely loving others. This article will explore what the research says about whether people with BPD can experience love and healthy relationships.
What is BPD?
Borderline personality disorder is one of several personality disorders listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Some key symptoms and characteristics of BPD include:
- Intense emotions that rapidly shift
- Impulsivity and risky behaviors
- Unstable self-image and sense of self
- Feelings of emptiness and boredom
- Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
- Difficulty maintaining stable relationships
- Chronic feelings of emptiness
- Explosive anger or irritability
- Paranoia and dissociation
People with BPD often engage in idealization and devaluation in their relationships, switching between putting someone on a pedestal and then feeling extreme disappointment, anger, or disgust. Their emotions tend to shift rapidly, making it difficult to maintain close bonds over time. However, this does not mean that true love is impossible with BPD.
Are people with BPD capable of love?
Yes, people with BPD are absolutely capable of genuine love, attachment, and intimacy in relationships. Their ability to love is not impaired – it is their ability to maintain stability and consistency in relationships that is disrupted by the intense symptoms of BPD.
Research shows that people with BPD:
- Desire closeness and intimacy in relationships
- Experience love and attachment similarly to those without BPD
- Have emotional depths and passion equal to others
- Invest heavily in relationships in the beginning
The main struggle for people with BPD is regulating their emotions and reactions when faced with real or perceived rejection, abandonment, or disappointment from loved ones. Their sensitivity to emotional stimuli can lead to dramatic relational ups and downs. However, if they are in treatment and actively using skills to manage their symptoms, people with BPD are absolutely capable of sustaining loving relationships long-term.
Brain imaging studies
Brain imaging studies show that people with BPD have similar activity in brain regions associated with love and attachment as those without BPD when shown images of a romantic partner. This indicates their capacity for love is intact on a neural level.
Desire for intimacy
Surveys of people with BPD find that the vast majority strongly desire close interpersonal relationships. Though they struggle to maintain stability, their wish for intimacy is as strong as it is for the general population.
Attachment styles
Like everyone else, people with BPD have attachment styles that influence their relationship patterns. Many show a disorganized attachment style related to early childhood trauma. But they are as able to form secure attachments as anyone with supportive partners.
Challenges in BPD relationships
While capable of love, there are some key challenges people with BPD may face in their close relationships:
- Intense & rapidly shifting emotions
- Hypersensitivity to rejection or abandonment
- Black-and-white thinking about others
- Difficulty trusting partners
- Pattern of intense idealization followed by devaluation
- Difficulty understanding others’ perspectives
- Tendency to be impulsive or volatile at times
These BPD symptoms can lead to chaotic relational patterns, intense arguments, ghosting/blocking, and short-lived relationships. However, evidence shows that remission and recovery from BPD is possible, especially with professional treatment. As BPD symptoms improve, so does relationship stability.
Borderline rage
The intense anger, shouting, and lashing out that occurs during episodes of “borderline rage” understandably damages relationships. But this behavior stems from emotional dysregulation, not any inability to love. With coping skills to control impulses and tolerate distress, people with BPD can substantially reduce relationship volatility.
Fear of abandonment
An overwhelming fear of abandonment or rejection can lead those with BPD to seem possessive, controlling, or jealous at times. Clinginess stems from anxiety, not an incapacity for real love. Reassurance from partners helps ease this fear.
Black-and-white thinking
The tendency to see things in extremes – to idealize partners before being profoundly disappointed in them – stems from black-and-white thinking patterns. With therapy, people with BPD can adopt more nuanced perceptions of others. This allows for realistic understanding of a partner’s strengths and flaws.
Can people with BPD have healthy relationships?
Absolutely. While it presents very real challenges, BPD does not make healthy relationships impossible. According to a large-scale study published in the Journal of Family Psychology:
- Over 75% of people with BPD reported being in a romantic relationship
- 64% of those with BPD described their relationship as high-functioning and loving
- Only 11% of people with BPD described their relationships as abusive or exploitative
This indicates that the majority of people with BPD are capable of healthy, fulfilling partnerships. Factors associated with relationship success include:
- Participating actively in BPD treatment
- Communicating openly and honestly with partners
- Learning to self-soothe emotions and control impulses
- Working with therapists on managing problematic relational patterns
- Finding partners willing to learn about BPD and provide validation
Essentially, while BPD presents very real challenges, the outward relational chaos does not reflect an inner incapacity to feel authentic love. With self-understanding, skills, and the right partnerships, those with BPD can absolutely have stable and loving long-term relationships.
Signs of healthy BPD relationships
Healthy relationships involving a partner with BPD will exhibit:
- Mutual care, respect, and love for one another
- Open communication about needs and feelings from both partners
- Understanding of BPD and how it impacts the relationship
- Willingness to apologize from both partners when needed
- Shared responsibility for the relationship’s health and stability
- Ability to productively resolve conflicts
- Lack of violence, abuse, or hostility from either partner
While the bad times might be more dramatic, the good times between periods of instability are as warm, loving, and satisfying as they are for any healthy couple.
Finding stability
The keys to finding stability in BPD relationships include:
- Getting into DBT or talk therapy treatment programs
- Learning to communicate needs assertively but calmly
- Working to identify triggers before emotions escalate
- Letting partners know how to best support you
- Forming a strong therapeutic alliance with providers
- Practicing radical acceptance of partners’ flaws
- Finding the right medication regimen if needed
While the process takes time, people with BPD can get to a place of much greater consistency and security in their close relationships with professional help.
Does successful BPD treatment increase relationship capacity?
Yes, when people with BPD get effective treatment, their ability to maintain healthy relationships greatly improves. The most effective treatment for BPD is dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), a specialized type of cognitive behavioral therapy. Research shows DBT:
- Reduces suicidal thinking and self-harm behaviors
- Lessens mood instability and impulsivity
- Lowers relationship volatility and chaos
- Improves social and relational skills
- Increases capacity to handle distress
- Reduces feelings of emptiness
As these core BPD symptoms improve with treatment, relationships become far more stable and satisfying. People with BPD become better able to:
- Regulate their emotions
- Communicate their feelings and needs
- Avoid overreacting to perceived rejection/abandonment
- Think flexibly rather than in absolutes
- Manage fears of engulfment or isolation
DBT equips people with BPD with tangible skills to apply in challenging relational moments and build consistency. Treatment transforms attachment and love from something frightening into a source of meaning and comfort.
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT)
DBT treatment consists of four main components:
- Individual psychotherapy sessions
- Skills training groups
- Phone coaching
- Consultation team for therapists
By participating fully in these components, people with BPD can learn how to regulate emotions, think dialectically, tolerate distress, and communicate effectively – all of which are essential for healthy relationships.
Improved sense of self
DBT and other forms of talk therapy also help people with BPD develop a stronger, more stable sense of self. This provides an inner foundation from which to build healthy relationships that aren’t rocked by uncertainty about identity or chronic emptiness.
| DBT Modules | Skills Learned | Benefits for Relationships |
|---|---|---|
| Mindfulness | Observing, describing, participating, non-judgment, one-mindfully, effectively | Stay present; tolerate distress; reduce impulsivity |
| Distress tolerance | Crisis survival, self-soothing, distracting, improving the moment | Manage relational problems wisely when in distress |
| Emotion regulation | Identify and label emotions, reduce emotional vulnerability, opposite action | Communicate feelings productively; avoid emotional escalation |
| Interpersonal effectiveness | DEAR MAN, GIVE FAST, relationship mindfulness, validating others | Tools to deepen intimacy and avoid conflict |
| Walking the middle path | Finding the synthesis between extremes, tolerating ambiguity | See partners as complex, flawed humans; reduce splitting |
As this table illustrates, DBT equips people with concrete skills in the precise areas where BPD typically causes relationship dysfunction – making lasting love possible.
How can partners help build healthy BPD relationships?
The other essential ingredient for healthy relationships with someone who has BPD is a partner with knowledge, understanding, and compassion regarding BPD. Partners can help by:
- Educating themselves about BPD
- Going to couples counseling together
- Giving validation and reassurance
- Not taking mood swings personally
- Helping their partner adhere to treatment
- Learning to set loving boundaries
- Offering kindness after conflicts
- Being a source of stability
It also helps when partners:
- Have their own strong support system
- Work on their own mental health and growth
- Don’t tolerate abuse or other toxic dynamics
- Communicate their own needs clearly
With mutual understanding and effort, great relationships are absolutely achievable when one partner has BPD.
Provide validation
Offering verbal validation when emotions are intense goes a long way in helping soothe a partner with BPD and deescalate conflicts. Statements like, “I understand this is upsetting right now. We’ll get through it together,” remind them they are loved.
Learn about triggers
Partners can gently help identify common triggers and observe warning signs of impending emotional crisis. By noticing the signs early and handling triggers compassionately, blowups can often be averted.
Manage your own reactions
When emotions are running high for a partner with BPD, it’s essential for loved ones to manage their own reactions calmly. Returning accusations or criticism can worsen the situation, while calmness can be contagious.
Set healthy boundaries
Boundaries are crucial for any healthy relationship, but require tact and care when one partner has BPD. ultimatums backfire, while clearly communicated needs stated with love typically go over well.
Offer reassurance
Since abandonment fears are paramount for people with BPD, offering verbal reassurance helps partners feel secure. Statements like “I’m not going anywhere” or “I love you and we’re in this together” go a long way.
Conclusion
In summary, the evidence clearly shows that people with BPD are absolutely capable of genuine love, attachment, and intimacy in relationships. With professional treatment, commitment to using learned skills, self-understanding, and supportive partners, those with BPD can and do have long-term, loving relationships. While BPD presents very real challenges, loving someone with BPD is certainly possible with education, proper treatment, good communication, and compassion on both sides.